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I’ve come here to pose this question because Tiny Buddha has been a place of healing and understanding during the past two years of my life while I’ve been in a very crucial transition. I’m not going to go into full detail about this transition but one aspect of it has been to take a close look at the people around me and evaluate if they are a positive or negative influence. One of these relationships, my very best friend for over 8 years, who I’ll refer to as “John” moving forward, is a narcissist. I’ve known John since he was 17 and I was 19, 8 years later we are 25 and 27 respectively. I didn’t realize John was a narcissist until recently when I started doing research into the topic. Some of the descriptions and traits associated with narcissism are word for word how I would describe John; it was frightening how accurate some of the descriptions were.
I lost a part of myself in recent years and it lead to a deep depression and a lot of wrong choices. It turns out that part of the reason I lost a sense of myself is because someone else was suppressing it and I didn’t even know it. Whenever I tried to better myself I was met with disapproval. Something as simple as picking up a new hobby such as reading novels was thought to be pedantic or trying to learn the guitar was believed to be an attempt to prove myself as some how superior. I was being suffocated and I didn’t even realize it until recently when I had the opportunity to leave the country and take a vacation of sort from “real life”.
I was a confident person before meeting John but after constantly feeling the disapproval of my friend and being called arrogant for something as simple as attempting to dress well, I gave up on appearances. If you were to look at John today, you’d see who I was before I met John and if you were to look at me you’d see who John was before we met. That being said, I’m on my way back to who I was, I won’t be bullied into submission anymore, I have to do the things I love and be the person I am, I can’t suppress that any longer.
John has shown no signs of wanting to improve. Even now when we speak, perhaps once every month or so on the telephone, he’s entrenched himself firmly in the past and constantly brings up the person who I use to be and the decisions I’ve made. I believe he sees that I’m attempting to change and constantly reminds me that change isn’t possible and that everything is as I left it. A lot of my thoughts are coalescing as I write this out, I think the answer is clear but I may not want to see it. I’d like to get another unbiased opinion on the matter to better help me understand.
The question I wanted to ask is what do I do about John? We’ve been friends for a long time, the research behind narcissism suggest that it’s a lost cause but Tiny Buddha and the people here have taught me the meaning of understanding others and accepting people for who they are. Yes, John is a narcissist and it may turn out that since our relationship dynamic is going to change dramatically he will move on himself but I don’t want to give up on my friend, someone who I consider a brother, without first making an attempt to improve the relationship. I’m confused; I don’t know what to do here. Should I cut my losses and move on or confront John about all of this and make an attempt improve things?
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