Charlierae,

Loneliness, in the way I’ve experienced and learned about it, is when we are not good friends with ourselves yet, and so look outside for “other” so we can feel friendly feelings. It’s like other people give us a chance to stop bouncing around in our head, and its so relieving, so refreshing, to not have “other” is full of sadness and agitation.

The key to unravelling this is accepting that you, by yourself, without anyone else there, have the ability to be happy and content. Of course, its not automatic, we have to grow that place, stoke that light. But the capability is there inside each of us, like a seed waiting to sprout. To do so, we have to become friends with ourselves, take good care of ourselves, clean ourselves off, dust ourselves off.

Consider the lost feeling inside your head. Very normal, very usual. Step dad and mom busy doing their thing, often painful for you to experience. Sisters to care for, protect from dad’s injustices, but not knowing what to do, how could you? Escaping into drug euphorias, leading to addictions that fueled poor choices. These kinds of things would leave anyone feeling disoriented, confused about what to do, seemingly difficult to make friends with themselves. Lots of criticisms from the outside and inside. No wonder mind is messy!

But its all garbage, hogwash, like muck thrown at you for 20 years leaving some clumps of gunk on an otherwise beautiful girl. And that girl has really just ever wanted some good hugs, to know she is seen and loved as is. Unfortunately, like many of us, your parents didn’t do a great job at that, so its up to you. Be kind, tender with Charlierae, she needs your warmth and love. As you act kindly and patiently with yourself, the feeling of loneliness will convert into aloneness, or a sense of well being no matter who you are or are not with. It takes time, though.

Consider focusing more of your attention on self nurturing activities. Art, music, dance, yoga, walks in nature, bathtubs with candles. Make space for yourself to be gentle and kind, and much of the inner agitation naturally dissipates. Plus, it gives space to meet whatever non-functional habits you have left with openness and curiosity. To explore what is not to your liking in your environment or behaviors, and do something different.

Finally, consider a meditation practice. My suggestion is trying “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness, and its something we can practice, grow, and embrace. It lessens the mental wind, the seductive pull into the brain, and helps us stay awake, connected to the present moment. Said differently, the feeling of loneliness is like the heart’s light very naturally grown dim from the difficult times you’ve seen. Metta meditation can help rekindle that light, see it shining bright again.

With warmth,
Matt