@ Mother of 3 ….. Yes I have played horsey with him. I tickle and tackle him regularly. I hug him and kiss him whenever I get chance. I do these things because my father never did them. My wife says to talk to him …that he understands stuff but I can’t I don’t know what to say and I don’t believe that he understands yet. Whenever we say “No, don’t do it” he does it anyways. His grandparent (Wife’s father) takes him out and buys new toys for him regularly. They have a special bond and I am never jealous but happy because even if I can’t have such bond I know he is having it from someone else. Sometimes it hurts when he goes from my lap to his grand parent. I am not able to give him more time because sometimes I am tired, he is about to be feeded, it’s his nap time, he is watching cartoon on his tab, he is with my mom, he is with my wife, he is with his toys or he is running around happily. For me it’s always like….leave him alone don’t force yourself on him… give him space… don’t disturb him. Even when in group I prefer somebody else to grab him. I don’t want to restrain him from anything. I don’t want to be the bad guy. I often get yelled at by my wife due to that. Last week I was having cold juice and he came to me for a sip and I let him. Now he has flu and chest infection and I am the one to blame…..my wife reminds me everyday. I know I will just go out of the room next time … leaving him crying behind me.

I usually get my time with him when he is sleeping between me and my wife in the night. Then he is playing with me we are tickling and gently biting each other or he is sitting on my belly…… while his mother is shouting at him and me to go to sleep. This happens almost every night. He always sleeps closer to me… forcing me to go to the edge of the bed… while my wife has more to herself. She never complains.

Thankyou but I am not much of a book reader. I will find e-books or read articles as usual. I am just so confused when engaging with him. On the other hand I am normal when he comes to me. I don’t even buy toys for him because he can get hurt while playing or swallow something. I know I am hopeless.

@ Anita … It’s complicated. I live in a culture where there is a close family system. Although my elder brother has abandon my mother and showed her several times that he will not keep her with him, I can’t do that. It’s morally wrong and she won’t survive alone. My elder brother is her favourite because he takes care of her financially but he doesn’t talk to her. My younger sister (yes I am a middle child, younger to first born and elder to the only girl) is married and has 3 kids of her own. I know her husband has beaten her several times and shouts at her regularly. But she knows that she has nowhere to go. In our culture divorce women have a little future. She can’t take care of my mother either because of her own problems. After the death of my father the whole family knows that I have to take care of her. I don’t really care about the whole family …they were not there to save me but I care about my in-laws.

My Father-in-law and Mother-in-law are the parents I always wanted. They are the main reason behind choosing my wife. They have always been my ideal family. My son loves them too. They told me not to abandon her and that my mother only acted like that because of my father. Funny thing is that my father or mother never yelled at or hit my kid. It’s like the rules have changed altogether when you are grandparents. My mother takes care of my child when my wife is not around and believe me she is so nice to him. She tells my wife often not to shout at him and comforts my child when he is crying or yelling. If she was with my child as she was with me nothing on the earth would have stopped me from moving out. But as for now she is old & alone and we are her only company.

You are right I need to tell my wife to stop before it goes out of control. I will talk to her and tell her that she should stop altogether or at least stop yelling at the child if I am around. My wife was the first born in her family so she is a bit spoiled and moody but she is good at heart. After all its her only child. I ignore her shouting at me because the only thing I learned from my experience is patience and compromise. We agreed on family planning and didn’t have the child in our first year. My wife wanted to complete her studies and have a good career. It was my mother and father who told her that they need to see their grandchildren before dying. I didn’t care and feared for the future of my child but in the end my wife persuaded me because she wanted the child as well. I never wanted children because I didn’t know what I would end up doing.

My wife is better educated than me. She has done her masters recently (completed it during our marriage and birth of the child). She loves status & power and want to pursue a career. She started going on job soon after we were married even when my child was 1 year old she started going at her job again. She tries but she is not a housewife. She gets frustrated doing housework and taking care of the kid at the same time. In one word she wanted to be  a strong independent woman but she is stuck in a house with a mother-in-law and a small child. I have not even graduated but I have self learned computers and graphic designing and I earn enough to support my family. She wants to start her career again but her mother (my mother-in-law) told her not to. She told my wife to wait at least until my child learns how to speak. I remember every time she went to office we had to drop our child to the in-laws because we were not comfortable with him being alone with my father and mother. All those times she needed to study she persuaded me let her go to her mother’s house or the university ground or to a friends home. Even after marriage I think she has been at her home for 1 year in these 3 years. And I agreed because I knew it’s impossible to study in environment I grew in. So you see my child has been away from me and my parents from the start. Whenever he was not staying with them every weekend I took him to in-laws to have a good time. He is a happy child as a result.

I am sorry I went off the topic I just felt like sharing it.

@ Anita… I had a chat with my wife about the situation. Told her that she needs to stop yelling. Asked her if she was hitting him. I had a mixed answer. She told me that he doesn’t listen and that sometimes he frustrates her. About hitting she neither acknowledged nor denied. About yelling she told me that she is with him the whole day playing, feeding and looking after him and she only yells when he is teasing her more than usual. She told me that she will be more careful in the future and that she too thinks it’s wrong to yell at the child. Then we had an awkward talk where she tried to convey that she is the mother and I don’t know anything about how to raise a child. I just listened as I know arguing will make matters worse.

About her doing job… I am in no position to give her go ahead. It was combined family elder’s decision which was conveyed by her mother. My saying in this matter will not have any weight in this scenario. She is my wife by name ….. it’s complicated… she is closer to her family than me. Also I have stopped telling her what to do a long time ago. Her parents also want her to do job but they also love their grandson and they think he should be her first priority. I know as soon as he is talking she will go back to her job.

You wrote “her yelling and beating him may very well delay and even prevent him from speaking in the future. He may never speak (a possibility).” It’s not like that at all. I know what yelling and beating is and my wife is not doing it on that lever. She is just stern with him sometimes. Believe me I will not let anyone harm my child not even his mother and my wife knows it too. I told you he is a happy child always smiling and playing (until he wants something…then he is all kicking and screaming). He has started saying uncompleted words months ago. He is just affected by the operation. He never crawled because of that either. He will start talking soon.