Dear H,

I am a 19 year old girl who has just recently got out of a relationship, asking me about these stuff might not be a good thing right now but I can’t help but answer it.

Being in a relationship for someone who has never been one, can be tricky. From what you have posted above, it seems like – you might be not a very social person? I apologise if I am wrong. Choosing to study during university was a good choice but to the point where you didn’t have any friends? You definitely missed out on a lot of things.

You also mentioned that right now you are having a good life right now regardless, you are doing a lot of things such as French lessons and runs workshops. These are very good. You can meet a lot of different people and socialise through these things. Do not rush into dating, it will come to you when you’re ready. There is nothing wrong with a 23 year old man who has never dated before. Dont be so harsh on yourself on these kind of things. Once you find yourself in a relationship, you will understand what relationships are and maybe what love is.

Being in a relationship doesn’t always mean that you’re going to be happy. Trust me on this one. It seems like you still have a lot to learn about human relationships since you have never experience it before. You’re going to feel like you’re on a roller coaster of feelings. Not to mention the word “break up” – it is another whole topic to get into. What I am concern about is that once you get into a relationship, you will get very very attached to the point that it gets unhealthy. If the relationship gets emotionally abusive, you’ll stay anyway just for the sake of having a partner.

I just want to let you know that sometimes relationships are overrated. It is wonderful but it also very realistic. You sound like you’re a very smart person – meet someone like you. At least try to. They will understand you better. If you’re asking for dating advices, I would suggest you to be more social. Girls like man that are confident and reliable. Dont overthink about it. Enjoy life.

-Mina

Dear H:

You wrote: “I have been alone my whole life”- your whole life is 23 years, that means, you were alone as a child as well, correct? Before considering romantic relationships?

anita

Hi H,

Can you do me a favor? When you get some time. Write down columns on a peice of paper. There is no time limit or deadline to give yourself, think of it as healthy homework for your mind, and positive energy. As days go by, or maybe week, two weeks, keep filling up those columns. It’s alot of thinking but worth the effort.

First column: Title it:

1. What are my strengths? What have people told me I do well? What have people told me about my physical appearance, that I have a nice smile? That I have nice eyes? That I’m good with children? Good with animals? Am I dependable? Am I a good friend? Am I caring? Am I thoughtful, remember people’s birthdays, etc. Am I a giving person? Am I good at Basketball, football, tennis, chess, trivia games, etc. Am I funny?
2. 2nd Column: What do I love about myself? Am I kind? Polite? Considerate? A good driver? Good at Athletics? Love to be around children and/ or animals? Do I make people laugh? Do I call people to check up on them if they are sick? Do I volunteer or help others? What did I love to do as a child that made me happy? Paint? Draw? If I did these things now, that made me happy as a child, how would it make me feel about myself? Am I a good friend? A good cook?

This is how you love yourself, and gives you security in yourself. When you see all the great qualities other people have told you, or you feel about yourself, is a great beginning to loving yourself, and these qualities are what makes a woman love you, for who you are. Lastly, never think you have to be clingy, desperate or try so hard to have a relationship, or you Psych yourself out. Look at all your wonderful qualities. Put them in sticky notes everywhere around, In your kitchen, your bathroom mirror, wherever you will see it every day. Gradually, you will begin to see yourself as a wonderful human being with so much to offer. All you have to do is believe it.

Hi H,

I think the trouble is, is you are getting inside your head alot, and it is causing you undue and needless anxiety. I do this too, as do many people. The trick, is to get outside of our heads, and not overanalyze everything. If you feel you need therapy to sort things out, by all means, that might be the way to help matters.

However, we have to get outside of our own heads, or we end up Psyching ourselves out of everything and not enjoying the “present”. Try not to worry..(I know it’s hard), but go out and do whatever and just enjoy life. Let things come to you. Stop searching. It will come. In the meantime, kick back and enjoy life, you are young, your whole life ahead of you..do you really want to spend everyday agonizing and fretting? You will burn yourself out. Just do. Play a game of volleyball, Watch Saturday night live, laugh!!, go to a comedy club, play a game of chess, or cards, go for a walk in the park, walk someone’s dog, teach a child to read and write at your local boys and girls club, volunteer at an animal sanctuary, listen to Oandora, or your favorite radio station, take a soothing bath with fragrance salts, anything to get you out of your head. The answers will come, in time, but don’t agonize and beat yourself up. Enjoy life. Enjoy you.

H,

There is some amazing advice in these responses to your question.

If I may add, begin to Forgive Yourself. When you start to hear your inner critic, go silent, breathe.  Acknowledge in that moment that you have these negative thoughts, but just observe don’t interact with them. Then forgive yourself for those negative thoughts.  You will not silence that inner critic any time soon but in time it won’t take center stage. I would suggest (if you are not already) meditation.  There are a number of resources that have guided meditations that will help you learn to accept yourself…all perfect in your imperfectness 🙂

It sounds as if you are keeping yourself busy, with teaching workshops, learning a new language, and weight lifting. Continue to find activities and hobbies that make you happy because that is what will attract love into your life.  It is hard and cliche but the minute you stop looking for something (love) that is when you will find it.

Just know that you are not alone in your personal criticisms, feelings of being lost, and wanting to find love. All we can do is be here to help support each other.