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How do I come out of this never ending circle of Mental Torture?

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • May 15, 2013 at 5:38 am #35620
    kay ludwig
    Participant

    You are caught in an ongoing cycle of pain-based loving. You have been mentally abused in the relationship described and you have not completely broken the spell this type of “love” holds over you. I would suggest you have some fixed beliefs about yourself that have to do with not feeling worthy of truly being loved. Examine your childhood experience because this is where we learn our model for loving. Commit to psychotherapy and open your mind to learning why loving turns into such a painful experience. Use your anger (it has not been used effectively) to commit to yourself you will not step back into such a cruel relationship as the one you described. I am not talking about exploding behavior–I am talking about self-reflection, getting in touch with why you allow yourself to be abused, and committing to changing this pattern from this day forward. Life is short and you are young enough to truly change this pain-based love model you described. It starts with learning to love yourself because when you do, you will no longer allow anyone to abuse you. Good luck!

    May 15, 2013 at 8:01 am #35622
    Mick Norris
    Participant

    I totally agree with Kay on this one. Your pattern (cycle) of behaviour is unhealthy and undoubtedly stems from some feelings of not feeling you’re good enough or worthy of being loved. This usually means you have low self esteem and find it difficult to be self-compassionate and love yourself. The only reason I feel this after reading your circumstance is because I have just done exactly the same thing. Broke up after 5 years but kept in touch , partly cos I couldn’t let go, and then i was pushed and pulled and used as and when it suited her needs. But I didn’t complain because I still loved her and wanted to get back together again. Eventually she wanted to move on just like your situation and I was deeply hurt. The long and short of it tho is that this pattern of behaviour (according to my psychotherapist) has gone on all of my life. I was never properly loved by either of my parents as a child, my dad was violent and abusive and psychologically a bully. I grew up feeling worthless. My mother didn’t show me love or affection cos my dad would beat her if she did (he was jealous). Therefore I grew up craving that feeling and this only became apparent as I formed relationships. I ended up in relationships where the other one was stronger or more dominant, but when the relationship broke down i couldn’t cope and crumpled. But now, I’m learning to have some self-appreciation, self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. Once I get to the point where I know I’m happy with my own self then I know I’ll meet someone who deserves me…and this will happen to you but you need the time on your own to reflect, and look at yourself and hopefully begin to realise your true worth and that you only deserve to be loved properly, not toyed with.Don’t be angry with your ex girlfriend, be grateful that what has happened has brought you to this point in your life. Good luck. By the way there are lots of articles on this site that might help you too.

    May 15, 2013 at 8:55 am #35624
    mindtwister24
    Participant

    Thank you for your time.if i talk about my childhood,it was great.being the only child,I parents gave me everything I ever asked for.and i grew up in a family where i got love and care…my ex girlfriend could knew the difference between me and other guys,and its like she knew where to strike.but i know I made certain mistakes after breaking up. I started avoiding my friends,isolated my self.but now I have accepted that all over with her.I am yet not ready for another relation,but I am trying to best distract my self and not to think of her(to be honest,i am finding it very hard),but i am doing every thing I can.

    May 15, 2013 at 9:23 am #35625
    mindtwister24
    Participant

    Hi Mick,thank you for your time.

    Ya that is true,I used to have low self esteem.sometimes I feel that the problem with me was I could not be rude to some one.I mean,i was like,if there is some one,who means something to me…if he or she disrespects me even for no reasons,I used to take everything on me,never replied them back,not because I could not,but because I did not want to loose them over silly things or did not want to create any differences with them over such things.I used to think,let them realize their mistake,I used to forgive them every time.My ex girlfriend knew this.she did every thing that she should not have done at first place,and I forgave her every time,just because I did not want to loose her.and if I talk about my family,I am the only child of my parents,I grew up under good conditions,and I am thankful to God for this… I am not angry with my Ex-girlfriend,but i am hurt after see her double faced character.she did every thing,that I had never expected from her.and ultimately I am the one who had to go through all that pain,and that too for no such mistakes of mine’s.and honestly speaking,I don’t think that I am not good enough.there are people i know,who say that I am good guy,can be a good husband,my family believes that i am a good son,and at work my bosses are happy.even a very good friend of mine approached me for a relation,but i told her that I am not ready yet for a relation…its just I am very hurt,and have not been able to accept what all I got in return.

    May 15, 2013 at 10:49 pm #35673
    littlemissbuddha
    Participant

    Hi, I have actually been in a very similar situation myself. In my relationship for more than 4 years, first 2 years I have behaved similar to your girlfreind and now in the next 2 years my ex-boyfreind is behaving similar to her so i can give you opinion from both persecptives.

    1. you are afraid of confrontation and hurting her feelings (which is awesome) but because of that you havent been able to tell her and show her how much shes hurting you and how you feel. TELL HER. sometimes people dont realize these things. when they do, they change. by not telling her, you’re robbing her of the opportunity of rectifyin her mistakes. you’re just growing resentment inside of you and she probably isnt even aware shes hurting you so much! if you can’t say it write an email. BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL HER. its your only hope to salvage whats left of this.

    2. im currently dealing with an alcoholic, abusive and infidel relationship, which you have also commented on post about. what helped me was taking 5 mins to imagine what my life would be like if we did get married and spend the rest of our lives together. JUST IMAGINE. if you do, you cant escape each other for weeks. will she break all contact with the other guy? will she keep thinking about him or how her life could be with him? will she be there for you? how will she behave with your parents? will she continue to abuse you? will she leave you and go if another job comes up somewhere else? after imagining what life would be like with her, think – IS THIS THE KIND OF LIFE YOU WANT AND DESERVE?

    May 15, 2013 at 11:29 pm #35678
    mindtwister24
    Participant

    Hi,
    see its not like I never told her about what all she was doing.its just she started taking things for granted,made this habit of repeating her mistakes again and again,then apologies. but i used to forgive her every time,why ,just because I did not want to loose her.and i thought she will grow up with time.but that never happened.besides, she broke my trust when she got a chance.and when i got to know,that i was left with no reasons to love her.leaving her was never easy for me,even today there is hardly a moment,when I don’t think of her.but I am full of anger,frustration and at times,i feel letting it out on her,but I don’t want to that.i don’t wan’t to kill the human in me or in her,so best thing I have found is to distant my self from her,leaving her busy in her life and keeping my self busy in mine

    May 16, 2013 at 12:30 am #35680
    mindtwister24
    Participant

    and to be honest,it sound kinda funny..I mean,we both are going through tough time,post break up consequences,everything is so messed up,but we are consoling each other,advising each other..sharing experiences 🙂

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 11 months ago by mindtwister24.
    • This reply was modified 11 years, 11 months ago by mindtwister24.
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