Elena,

I’m sorry for the insecurity you spin with, and can understand how easily confidence fades. Sometimes when our minds are pulled away from where we are and what we are doing, our skillfulness decreases. Said differently, in the absence of distraction, our faculties attune to the moment and we become more skillful, as more of our energy is focused into our actions. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Perhaps the issue is being looked for “out there” or in some conceptual “how do I believe in myself” kind of way, which doesn’t really address what is happening. Consider that this issue isn’t about belief, its about distraction. Your mind gets pulled away from your actions, thinking instead about losing, perfection, judgments of others and so on. As your concentration becomes dispersed, your attention on the flow of chi from your body decreases. Said differently, when our mind is flittering through the audience, to the past, to the future, we lose our connection to our instrument and our song falters.

The solution is actually quite simple, but takes practice. We can develop our concentration. This allows us to set aside distractions, and bring our consciousness to the moment. The best method I know of for this is breath meditation. There are many great methods, one that might help is counting breaths. Consider searching YouTube for “jayasaro counting breaths” for Ajahn Jayasaro’s description of the method.

As we grow our concentration, instead of trying to believe in ourselves, we begin to have what one of my teachers described as authentic confidence. We don’t have to try to believe, because we know. You described the seeds of this already, where in the absence of the spinning, you do well. By cultivating concentration, instead of it being almost random, we learn to aim.

Namaste, sister, may your roots dig deep into joy.

With warmth,
Matt

ELena, I completely understand how you feel. I think other people can perceive when we don’t trust ourselves. In my case, I think this is what is preventing me from making new friends. I am always afraid of saying something or starting a conversation because “I might not say something interesting or it might come out the wrong way”, so most of the time I just sit back and wait for someone to talk to me instead. I know I have lots of potential, I love to do many things, but I’m scared to start doing for fear of failure or criticism. I am now 30 years old and I am starting to realize that I need to get on my feet because there is no turning back. All my life I’ve waited to shake off my shyness but now I’ve decided that my insecurity is not taking me anywhere. On the contrary, it has left scars on me personally and professionally. I have been shy even in my profession and I know people do not like that; and this makes me uncomfortable because I want to be liked by others. I’ve always wished I was more pro-active and outgoing…God knows I’ve tried, but this is who I am and I can’t change it. All my life I have said, one day I will be someone very important and people will stop taking me for granted. But that’s just a desperate thought. I know we can’t satisfy the whole world, there’s always going to be people who don’t like us and others who do. I think we just need to spend more time worrying about ourselves (making ourselves happy) rather than trying to please everyone else in the world because at the end, the world won’t care if we were happy or if we enjoyed life.