Dear Anita,

You don’t know what a great burden was gotten off my chest when I read your reply, so thank you 🙂

Actually, both of the quotes that you mentioned in your reply refer to the same person. I read my post again and I realized in some places it was hard to keep track of who I was talking about. Sorry for that.

So you believe distancing myself from her would have been the best option from your objecting point of view…how I wish I had started this post much earlier!

But what about the things that the narcissist has said to her about me? After making a failed attempt to clear the air (as I said she didn’t reply) I’ve decided to let things go, to keep my distance, and to let her believe whatever she wants to believe, such as I was the (only) one who had problems with her all along way. Do you think it’s a wise decision?

The thing is I am ok with apologizing for what I have said to the Narcissist with regards to her. I don’t remember all my words, but I know they were mainly about how her behavior had hurt me. I also don’t know to what level the N has exaggerated what I had actually said. However, I don’t think apologizing is going to be of any use, and I don’t know if it is a good idea or not in the first place. Is it?

Thank you again.

Love,

Mary

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mary899.

Dear Anita,
You say I should only apologize if I believe what I said or did is wrong. The truth is that, with regards to this situation, I no longer know what is right or wrong anymore. Is telling somebody that you’re hurt by someone else’s behavior “wrong”? Was it wrong of me when I said “if she’s going to be on the trip, I’m not going.”? The thing is I didn’t even remember having said such a thing until the Narcissist brought it up, saying that she’s gonna let her know what I’d been saying behind her back. I said to N I didn’t actually mean it, that I felt regretful after having said that and that is why I later asked her (the friend) if she  wanted to go with us on that trip. However, the N had already made her decision to “take revenge”, saying: “Why do I always have to appear to be the bad guy, and you the innocent angelic one? I’m gonna let everyone know what a huge hypocrite you are.”
I’ve tried to write everything as clearly as possible. Generally, I don’t consider myself to be a hypocrite…however, sometimes I think maybe there is some truth in what the N says. What do you think, Anita? I actually need an objective point of view to see things clearly.

Mary

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mary899.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mary899.

Hi Eliana,

Thank you for you reply.

Oh well. If only turning “blue in the face” was the only side effect. For an entire month I couldn’t eat, sleep or basically enjoy life the way I used to. I had to seek therapy, and STILL I have nightmares with them in it. People say I’m making a mountain out of a molehill…I don’t know. All I know is that it hurts. Badly.

These women are a group of college classmates…which means that after the end of summer vacations I’ve got to see them again on a daily basis. During the summer the Narcissist made a few attempts to contact me… I didn’t reply. I had already made my decision to stay as far away from her as possible. Immediately she started slandering me and turning other people against me. Defending myself was of no use. After doing all of this, one day she texted me and said how come I no longer send her my best wishes on her birthday!

We  also have a mutual friend (she’s genuinely nice and caring) who is going out of her way to restore peace. She constantly asks me to let go, think about the good moments that we had with the N, reminding me that I actually did certain wrong things which provoked her like this, finally telling me it was irrational of me to destroy “years of friendship” like this. At the same time she’s gone to the N and had probably asked her to forgive me. I love this mutual friend, but I honestly don’t think what she’s doing as a peacemaker is helping the situation. How am I supposed to deal with her?

The summer vacation is approaching its end, and  honestly I still dread what is going to come after that. The thought of having to seat side by side to a group of people who are not afraid of smashing you in every way possible is scary, especially now that I’ve decided not to give in to any threats such as ” I will let your angelic mask fall off in front of others”.

How do you think is the best way to let go of this fear?

Mary

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mary899.

Dear Anita,

I agree, it is a headache. A painful one. As I don’r seem to reach any logical decisions, I guess I need to let go of the whole thing.

With regards to the narcissist…I didn’t know there is a so called personality disorder at the time I was in a friendship with her. I truly loved her as at first, she appeared to love and accept me for who I am, warts and all. I was nore than willing to do the same for her. It was only after what happened over a very trivial misunderstanding that I realized true friends don’t treat each other like that…true friends don’t threaten you to get revenge or call you names. Therefore, I decided I’d rather get out of a friendship which no longer served me, even if it meant I might lose a couple of other friends and have my reputation ruined by her, which is exactly the thing that happened.

With regards to the other friend…I see your point and I agree with you about my own dishonesty. The thing, however, is that I never disliked “her”. That would be too general. I didn’t appreciate her being too critical and disrespectful behavior towards me at times and at the same time I kept beating myself up for being too sensitive. Still, that doesn’t change the fact that I was forcing myself to stay in a place which I didn’t feel comfortable in, and I do believe that is a form of being dishonest…mostly to myself.

As you said, I need to learn to become more selective with regards to choosing friends. I need to learn being lonely is much better than forcing yourself to stay in toxic relationships to avoid feeling lonely.

So you believe the mess created with these two women cannot be fixed. I already knew that my relationship with the N was beyond reparable…I had some hopes in fixing the other one, but now I can see clearly that despite having good moments,  the foundations of that relationship had been shaky all along the way.

One question remains…now that all the doors are closed with regards to these people, how can I let go of my sense of guilt for possibly having hurt their feelings?

Mary

Hi Eliana,

Again, thank you for your soothing words.

I agree with you about forgiveness and resentment…resentment only result in me suffering, so I need to learn to let go.

Unfortunately, total avoidance is not a real option as I have to pass a large number of courses with them and our classrooms are too  small.

The thing is, with regards to the narcissist, I’ve already forgiven her and have even felt pity for her…although I’ve decided to keep as great a distance as possible.

However, with regards to the friend who this post is about…I’ve forgiven her for what she has said and done, but I don’t seem to be able to forgive myself. As I was hurt, I said things with regards to her and her behavior to the N, whom I previously thought of as trustworthy…among them are things that I’m not that much proud of. After the fight with the narcissist, she went to her and supposedly told her everything that I had said with regards to her.

It still scares me when I think about it. I already had trouble forgiving myself for having made some unkind remarks about her BEFORE the N’s betrayal.  After  witnessing the N taking her aside and whispering in her ear right in front of my own eyes, with me being able to do absolutely nothing at the time, the sense of guilt was doubled. It turned into a painful anguish when I texted the friend after that and she didn’t reply. I felt worthless, rejected and betrayed…a horrible person.

Now I don’t know what to do to let go of the sense of guilt. Sometimes I can bring myself to laugh at how stupid and childish the whole thing is…other times, I’m paralyzed with remorse, guilt and shame.

Mary

Dear Anita,

It’s a good idea to put things into perspective by making a list of what I have learned and what I’d like to change in my future behavior.

1. I have learned there is nothing shameful about feeling uncomfortable around a certain person. Instead of beating myself up for being too sensitive, I need to respect my emotions and take the message behind them seriously.

2. Just because somebody keeps saying how much they love you it doesn’t mean that they actually mean it. Chances are, if they are disrespectful towards others, always gossiping and always passing the blame, soon there will come a time that you, too, will be disrespected, gossiped about and be used as a scapegoat, no matter how much you were “loved” at the beginning of the friendship.

3. Just because someone says I have done something wrong doesn’t make it necessarily true. I have to use my own reasoning to evaluate the situation and come to a logical conclusion. Also, I certainly need to stop apologizing for the  things that I haven’t done.

4. To have peace of mind, I need to let go of other people’s opinion about me. Instead, I have to focus on what “I” think of me.

5. Although it is good to be helpful and generous, my level of worth is not measured based on how many sacrifices I make for other people on a daily basis.

6. I need to let go of my constant fear of what other people can do to punish and reject me. (I still have to work on this.)

7. Although I’m generally very quiet and reserved, I still have to control my tongue,  especially in the presence of someone who has shown a deep interest in gossiping.

8. I need to stop trying to fix and control every situation in order to feel secure.

9. I need to learn that it is very common for certain people to mistreat someone who’s been kind and giving to them. People are what they are and do what they do…you can not fix them or their beliefs.

With regards to the sense of guilt…yes. As a child I was always emotionally punished for being anything less than perfect in all areas of life. I was also punished for things that I hadn’t done or were not responsible for, such as my mother’s mental illness.

Again, thank you Anita for spreading your wisdom and for helping me to see the situation more clearly (:

Mary