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Hi, and thank you in advance for reading this.
I’ve just finished my third year of college. Being someone who was raised in a small city and then moved to the capital of the country, right at the start I made friends with a girl who appeared to share most of my cultural values. However, after a few weeks I realized we could never become close friends. I was emotional and self-doubting, while she was critical and self righteous. She said she couldn’t understand why I missed my home city, and I had this feeling that she, although secretly, holds my emotions in contempt. Most of our conversations were one sided with me doing the majority of the listening. Either she was talking about the latest scientific show that she had watched, or was busy judging others, saying how they (I, too, was included) were doing things in a wrong, unintelligent way, offering unsolicited advice. Also, she was my academic “rival”. I have always been at the top of my class, and although I do care about my grades, I have always valued learning and pure knowledge above other things. Therefore, her constant checking on my grades and nagging about how unfair the professor had treated her if she had gotten anything less than me had become rather annoying. She had great confidence in her work, believing that because she was making the maximum effort she deserved the best results. I, on the other hand, look upon my studies as a source of pleasure as well as fulfillment, and although I do get tired at times, I try not to study merely in order to get As (ironically I’ve always been a straight A student till this day) or to impress others by my knowledge. Besides, although I try to put my best into everything, I know that there are always some areas that I could still work on, and therefore am not that much disappointed if the results (e.g. grades) are not as great as I want them to be, an attitude which my friend, supposedly, could not agree with.
During the three years of college people kept asking me questions such as: “How can you tolerate staying in a friendship with X?” My usual response was that she had her own good qualities…and she did. Mostly she was generous and she was, to some extent, willing to help others. There were times in which I thought although she often seemed extremely judgmental and critical of others, always talking about facts and always having too much confidence in herself, she did actually have a kind heart underneath. However, I still don’t recall a single time in which I totally felt comfortable in her presence, and I always felt ashamed of myself because of that. I kept reminding myself of her good qualities, telling myself that I should be more accepting and less sensitive to her behavior.
It was in the previous semester that everything was turned upside down. My other “friend”(later I realized she was a narcissist), who had initially rejected her, making it obvious that she didn’t like her, started to let her into our circle. I still haven’t figured out the reason, but the moment that she entered the group she grew to become extremely mean to me. She kept making fun of me in front of others, making some “jokes” which hurt me greatly at the moment. I never laughed at her jokes…I even looked into her eyes with a frown to let her know that what she said had hurt me. I don’t think she ever got the clue, however. She also belittled my future goals and dreams, saying, for example, that deciding to continue my studies in the field of literature meant that I had to find a rich guy to marry so that I wouldn’t end up poor in the future, and not even in a joking tone. Nevertheless, I again told myself that I should be more forgiving and less sesitive. Everybody kept saying how mean she was towards me…saying they had made friends with her because of me and now she was treating me like this. The first few times I said it was ok, believing that she actually didn’t mean what she said. However, as time passed and her behavior didn’t improve, I finally gave in and confessed that yes, I WAS irritated. We went on a trip together, and she proved to be even more inconsiderate than I thought she was. When we confronted her (a rare thing for me to do) she refused to accept her wrongdoings, making invalid excuses, as always. I had already had enough. However, as my other “friends” seemed to move on I did my best to do so as well.
A couple of weeks later the plan for another trip came up. My narcissistic friend called me, and we talked about whether we actually wanted her to come with us. She kept pointing out everything about her that irritated me the most, and I, finally taking her bait, said (although half jokingly) that if she’s gonna be there I’m not going on the trip. She laughed.The day after I became regretful about what I had said, and went up to my friend and said whether she wanted to go with us on that trip or not. She said no. My narcissistic friend kept gossiping about her, calling her stupid, ugly, selfish, and lots of other things. She also asked me why I was still nice to her. At the same time, the friend texted me, asking me how come the narcissist had the audacity to remove her from the circle on behalf of everyone. I said it seemed as if she (the friend) wanted to be alone, and she said the reason is that she had seen certain behaviors that were not appropriate in a true friendship. I said I hope things would work out.
A couple of weeks passed. The narcissist, who had previously put me on the pedestal, got into a fight with me for the nth time, said she’s gonna “take revenge” and reveal to everybody what a huge hypocrite I am. Her first step was to go to the friend, making amends with her, and then tell her it was all about me and I was the one who had all the problems with her, not her, probably quoting the negative remarks “I” had made about her (which she remembered with great precision). I don’t know what she had exactly said to her, but whatever it was, it was enough for her not talking to me after that. Also the friend has said to the narcissist that I have said I hope her problem with the narcissist would get solved (I didn’t, I just said I hopedidn’t things would work out.). Itexted her, telling her that we’ve been friends for 3 years and I know that she won’t make wrong judgements, saying the narcissist and her gang are trying to destroy me, that I don’t want her to become upset with me because of her exaggerations. She didn’t reply. I agree that I was a bit desperate.
Now I don’t know what I should do. As we are classmates I have to see the narcissist, her gang, and the friend on a daily basis. I know that probably my worst mistake has been having poor boundaries with the narcissist. I have no intention of getting close to the narcissist again, but the friend…as I said I never felt totally comfortable in her presence…I never trusted her with my secrets or emotions as I knew she’d be way too critical…however, I never wanted things to end this way. I’ve got mixed feelings about the situation. Sometime I grow angry with the way she treated me in order to, supposedly, appear “cool” in the narcissist’s eye and also the way she kept bothering me about getting lower grades than me…other times, I think about apologizing to her as, after all, there is a little bit of truth in what the narcissist had said to her. What I know, however selfish it seems, is that deep in my heart I never valued her friendship as much as my other ones, the ones that actually made me feel loved and appreciated for who I was. Thinking about this makes me impatient with myself, as I tried my best to love her for who she is, but failed apparently.
What do you think is the best policy? I’ve grown tired of apologizing, of always being the scapegoat. At the same time, the thought of I actually DID sth wrong with regards to her bothers me. Maybe I WAS too sensitive after all…
How can I make peace with myself? To what extent has it been my fault?
Dear Anita,
You don’t know what a great burden was gotten off my chest when I read your reply, so thank you 🙂
Actually, both of the quotes that you mentioned in your reply refer to the same person. I read my post again and I realized in some places it was hard to keep track of who I was talking about. Sorry for that.
So you believe distancing myself from her would have been the best option from your objecting point of view…how I wish I had started this post much earlier!
But what about the things that the narcissist has said to her about me? After making a failed attempt to clear the air (as I said she didn’t reply) I’ve decided to let things go, to keep my distance, and to let her believe whatever she wants to believe, such as I was the (only) one who had problems with her all along way. Do you think it’s a wise decision?
The thing is I am ok with apologizing for what I have said to the Narcissist with regards to her. I don’t remember all my words, but I know they were mainly about how her behavior had hurt me. I also don’t know to what level the N has exaggerated what I had actually said. However, I don’t think apologizing is going to be of any use, and I don’t know if it is a good idea or not in the first place. Is it?
Thank you again.
Love,
Mary
Dear Anita,
You say I should only apologize if I believe what I said or did is wrong. The truth is that, with regards to this situation, I no longer know what is right or wrong anymore. Is telling somebody that you’re hurt by someone else’s behavior “wrong”? Was it wrong of me when I said “if she’s going to be on the trip, I’m not going.”? The thing is I didn’t even remember having said such a thing until the Narcissist brought it up, saying that she’s gonna let her know what I’d been saying behind her back. I said to N I didn’t actually mean it, that I felt regretful after having said that and that is why I later asked her (the friend) if she wanted to go with us on that trip. However, the N had already made her decision to “take revenge”, saying: “Why do I always have to appear to be the bad guy, and you the innocent angelic one? I’m gonna let everyone know what a huge hypocrite you are.”
I’ve tried to write everything as clearly as possible. Generally, I don’t consider myself to be a hypocrite…however, sometimes I think maybe there is some truth in what the N says. What do you think, Anita? I actually need an objective point of view to see things clearly.Mary
Hi Eliana,
Thank you for you reply.
Oh well. If only turning “blue in the face” was the only side effect. For an entire month I couldn’t eat, sleep or basically enjoy life the way I used to. I had to seek therapy, and STILL I have nightmares with them in it. People say I’m making a mountain out of a molehill…I don’t know. All I know is that it hurts. Badly.
These women are a group of college classmates…which means that after the end of summer vacations I’ve got to see them again on a daily basis. During the summer the Narcissist made a few attempts to contact me… I didn’t reply. I had already made my decision to stay as far away from her as possible. Immediately she started slandering me and turning other people against me. Defending myself was of no use. After doing all of this, one day she texted me and said how come I no longer send her my best wishes on her birthday!
We also have a mutual friend (she’s genuinely nice and caring) who is going out of her way to restore peace. She constantly asks me to let go, think about the good moments that we had with the N, reminding me that I actually did certain wrong things which provoked her like this, finally telling me it was irrational of me to destroy “years of friendship” like this. At the same time she’s gone to the N and had probably asked her to forgive me. I love this mutual friend, but I honestly don’t think what she’s doing as a peacemaker is helping the situation. How am I supposed to deal with her?
The summer vacation is approaching its end, and honestly I still dread what is going to come after that. The thought of having to seat side by side to a group of people who are not afraid of smashing you in every way possible is scary, especially now that I’ve decided not to give in to any threats such as ” I will let your angelic mask fall off in front of others”.
How do you think is the best way to let go of this fear?
Mary
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