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How can I keep it together at a family wedding?

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  • May 31, 2017 at 10:14 am #151382
    Artful Apricot
    Participant

    I’m attending a family wedding this summer. The bride and groom are much younger than me, but we are very close. I’m feeling very emotional about it. I had a tough time keeping my tears from falling at their engagement party, but I managed, just barely. I’m in a long-term relationship, but recent conversations about our future have taken a rather sudden and surprising (at least to me) turn for the worse. I’m already very sensitive about my marital status, having never been married or engaged and watching all my younger family members and friends get married while I feel left behind. I’ve been sad at other weddings, but managed to hide it or even have some fun. Recent events make this so much worse. I was already worried I could end up getting very upset. Now my boyfriend is unable to attend due to work. I’ve never even attended a wedding with a date before, so his presence was going to be a comfort to me. Now I don’t even have that. I’m worried I’ll be a mess at this wedding. I don’t want to embarrass myself or ruin anyone’s good time. Any advice for keeping my thoughts on the happiness of the event and not on my own situation?

    May 31, 2017 at 11:21 am #151402
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Artful Apricot:

    It is very difficult to control our thinking. The more we try not to think of something, the more likely we are to think of it. My suggestion: allow yourself to think whatever it is you will think. But be mindful, or attentive to what is around you: pay attention to the details of the event, the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and feel (covering all five senses here). Being attentive this way, will occupy your brain much of the time so there will be less time for distressing thoughts.

    If you feel particularly distressed, take time out and go to the bathroom or someplace where you can be alone. Don’t wear mascara, in case you do cry. If you are observed crying, that is okay, isn’t it? People do get emotional in weddings. You don’t have to explain the nature of your emotions to anyone.

    You do have the right for your emotions and your thoughts. No shame in them. And last: focus on your behavior, of the three (thoughts, emotions, behavior), your behavior is the only item you can choose effectively.

    anita

    May 31, 2017 at 11:36 am #151404
    Artful Apricot
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita.

    I will try what you suggest. It doesn’t help that I will have relatives there giving me the puppy dog eyes of pity or the other relatives who think things are great asking me when we will follow suit. I have some very nosy family members. Regarding crying…I’m one of those people who can’t stop crying once they start. Shedding a few tears for “happiness” would likely end up with me bawling the rest of the night and living in the ladies room :/

    May 31, 2017 at 11:43 am #151408
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Artful Apricot:

    You are welcome. Regarding the nosy relatives, prepare an answer to the question you expect them to ask, an answer that will amuse you once you verbalize it to them. That may cheer you up.

    anita

    May 31, 2017 at 12:55 pm #151432
    zee
    Participant

     

    We get stuck in this mindset that we need to have things all perfectly lined up to be happy. But life is MESSY. You never know what is going to happen. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes terrible things happen, there’s no way to control every little detail. You could find the perfect husband and then the next day he gets hit by a car! You never know!

    I can very much empathize with how you feel. I don’t even have a boyfriend! I used to feel so sad and insecure about being single. I used to drive myself insane trying to make myself look thin and pretty and I’d go on dates with men with this fake bubbly persona put on so that they’d like me and agonize over every text they would send me and fall to pieces crying when they would eventually leave me because they could smell my desperation from ten miles away. I would feel worthless and ugly and I could not figure out why nothing was ever working out. My parents would express their pity for me and I’d spiral into despair wondering why I was so unlovable.

    It took a lot of introspective digging to understand the causes of my insecurities and eventually I came out the other side realizing that my need for external validation was a delusion and there is nobody in the world that can make me feel truly happy besides me.

    You need to find contentment with who you are as a person before you can be happy in a marriage. I would recommend you start spending some time alone. Explore some hobbies, read, meditate, get really comfortable with who you are. When you are comfortable being alone, you won’t be so bothered by what other people think of you. You won’t find yourself falling apart at other people’s weddings because you won’t be comparing yourself to them.

    Good luck!

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