How can I get him to change more?

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This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Peter.

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December 20, 2017 at 5:29 pm #183053
Katie
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My boyfriend and I are trying to fix our relationship. Nothing happened really but I am just unhappy. In the past he always used to complain about how I do not make him happy enough so I would do way too much for him. Now I am being real about my happiness. We have been dating for 2 years and he is just very controlling and manipulative. I understand how hard it is to change people like that but I am a little hopeful. The other day I told him I am leaving him because I am unhappy. I just realized I didn’t want to put up with him any longer. A huge falling out happened between my group of friends and for a couple days I felt like I had nobody. This caused me to do rise above everything to find happiness and belonging. I realized he weighed me down so I told him I was leaving. Long story short he told me he would change. I told him “I doubt it you even understand what I am asking of you” but he kept saying “no I promise I will change how you want.” So far, he has gotten better and I have felt so much happier with him but there are still some things. I do not expect to see change overnight. I know what I want in a partner and he is still not hitting the mark. I am not even asking for much. Here is a list of what my boyfriend does that I do not like:

1) I do not like that he doesn’t trust me. His insecurity and distrust just puts me down. I do not do anything to make him not trust me. I have never cheated ever. I used to do all I could do get him to trust me, but now I am just done with his bs. I think he pretends to distrust me so he can maybe control me more. For example, I do not like how he looks at my phone all the time. I don’t even do anything bad but he ALWAYS finds something to be upset about. Also, it is my privacy. He also gets extremely jealous. Him and I went to get ice cream and my old male friend was working there so I was talking with him. After we left the ice cream place my boyfriend kept saying “you used to like that guy, didn’t you” like 10 times in an angry manner. Then when I said “no we were friends” he’d say “well I know you guys used to text. What did you talk about with him. you talk to boys don’t you. you still talk to him. why did he seem so happy to see you” like ugh. I do not want to deal with that annoying jealous side of him. A little jealousy I can handle but I do not want to be fighting with him over an old friend! Who was just a friend!

2) This is probably the more important one for me… he doesn’t like my friends. And not only does he not like them, but he does not want me friends with them. In the past, I used to distance myself from my friends because of it (it is a shame I know, I don’t know why. I thought he would eventually change. I thought to myself “if I do what he wants now, he will trust me later” but I realize that is not the truth). Besides needing my friends for support, I do not want my boyfriend deciding who I am friends with! It is not his place!

Only a few days ago there were more on that list but he has fixed his actions. Since we decided to do this “change” he has been a lot more considerate of my feelings. I mean he has been trying a lot. So far he has been pretty good. It is just these 2 major things. The thing I think will be the hardest for him to follow is the friend thing. He doesn’t like my friends because they do hook up with a lot of guys. Lots of rumors go around about them as well. I really do not care though I want to be happy. I can be friends with whoever I want. He tells me “they are not your real friends they do not care about you” and sure he may be looking out for me, but I should be allowed to be friends with them either way.

I never really realized my worth until recently, that is why I am now demanding more from him. I really didn’t have a problem leaving him a few days ago because I realized my happiness is more important to me than him honestly. Any advice on this problem? I am just scared… I want him to change these things I listed but I am afraid it will start a huge fight and all the progress he has made will go away.
- This topic was modified 7 years ago by Katie.
December 20, 2017 at 5:31 pm #183055

Katie
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Also, I am used to being told “you can’t change someone” but so far with the progress he has shown I feel like he can change. I am just afraid of what will happen if I try to talk to him about this stuff. It isn’t going to be easy I understand. I mean worst case we break up.

December 20, 2017 at 5:33 pm #183057

Katie
Participant

Another thing: he really isn’t that manipulative honestly. Sometimes he can be. So far with his attention to my feelings, he has not been manipulative. I feel as though using the words “manipulative” did not describe him well. He is just controlling.

December 21, 2017 at 4:00 am #183103

urooz
Participant

Dear Katie,

I think You can not change a person as a whole or you can not make a person the way you want… It makes you the controlling one… isn’t it? I mean there is compromise in a relationship where people give up certain things for the happiness of their partner and it should work both ways.

Like you said, he changed for you to stay and it made you happy. But you can not change each and everything in him.

Extreme jealousy and insecurity ruins relationships but if a person is insecure by nature then one should handle them nicely. So, If you love him and you really want to be with him, you should talk to him in a nice way both about trusting you and your friends. So, my advise would be talking to him and expressing how you feel.

December 21, 2017 at 4:06 am #183105

Anonymous
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Dear Katie:

The two things you mentioned, his distrust in you and not wanting you to have friends are very much related. He feels threatened by your interactions and relationships with others, as if it takes away from the relationship with you, as if other people are more important to you than he is.

His belief that other people are more important than him was there before he ever met you, formed in childhood, most likely. Not only can you not change this core belief of his, it would be very, very difficult for him to change it if he tries and persists over a long time.

It is very important that the two of you treat each other respectfully, provide safety (no fighting, no abuse)for each other. In that context of respect and safety you can ask him questions so to learn more about this (and other) core beliefs, his past experience, etc., get to know him better.

anita

December 21, 2017 at 9:04 pm #183249

Katie
Participant

Anita:

I do wish to know him better because he does not come from a good family. He has told me some things and what I have heard, I do not like. I wouldn’t repeat this to anyone I knew but he has told me things such as being abused as a child. Is this what you mean?

December 21, 2017 at 9:12 pm #183251

Katie
Participant

Urooz:

I agree, I may be asking for too much. I will talk to him about the other things. I honestly am in just a crisis with myself and the people around me. I feel such pressure from my boyfriend and friends. My boyfriend doesn’t like my friends, and my friends also do not like my boyfriend. They act like he doesn’t care for me. I mean, I believe he cares for me. I don’t know if my friends are real friends because they do not help me with my problems. Instead, they talk about them to each other behind my back. Like, a lot of things I feel as though they do not understand. Like to me, it is waaay more complicated than “you guys have so many problems, just break up” you know? I love him and as far as I know… he loves me. They think I am stupid for being with him. I just do not feel supported, it sucks. But that is another problem I guess. To them, this progress means nothing. To them, when I say this, their answer is “if you have to tell him how to treat you right, then you probably shouldn’t be with him”

I do not need approval from my friends but as a person who is very open with everyone close to me, I hate being judged and misunderstood.

December 22, 2017 at 5:31 am #183263

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Katie:

I read a bit of an earlier thread and your newest thread, so I have that information in mind as I type this.

I think that your friends do not understand that the there is probably not a single man out there, or maybe there is, but one out of a hundred… or more, who has no emotional problems. We live in a world where aggression, not only between nations but within families is so common that emotional problems are the rule, not the exception.

Emotional problems are not unique to divorced families (as is in the case of your boyfriend’s), or low income families (your boyfriend’s mother works three low income jobs, correct?), or in families of this or that race and ethnic origin. It is… everywhere, including in your family and your friends’ families.

Key to a good relationship, hopefully with your boyfriend, is to become best friends with him, to help each other best you can, to provide each other with the safety needed for the two of you to heal from whatever it is you need to heal. Because aggression is so common, within families, safety in relationships is necessary to make healing possible.

Keep the communication with him honest, respectful, learn about him, tell him things, open up more, help each other.

anita

December 22, 2017 at 7:25 am #183253

Anony
Participant

Katie,

Just break up with him. Stop wasting your time..

December 22, 2017 at 2:32 pm #183307

Peter
Participant

Recommend the book ‘How to Be an Adult in Relationships’ -by David Richo

We change in relationships but we don’t make the other change. When two people see the other, really see them and say yes they are empowered to become their better selves. The selves we sense we could become, like the feeling at the tip of our tongue, but are to afraid to trust. As with all things the seed of the opposite is also present in relationship where the fear of change, fear of the other leaving, just fear of fear and love turns to control and stagnation.
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