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How can I forgive him and move on?

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  • July 29, 2017 at 10:19 am #160950
    Simone
    Participant

    Hi all,

    A year and a half ago, I left my home country and moved to another country ta start my first job. At work, I met a guy who quickly became one of my best friends, and the centre of my universe in my new environment.

    The connection between us was very intense and we always had lots of fun with each other, spending a lot of time together and messaging all the time, tellling each other everything. With hindsight, I would describe this relationship as toxic, it was just too much. Over time, romantic feelings developped on both sides but nothing ever happened, at first because I didn’t want to for various reasons.

    After a while though, I changed my mind and decided to give it a try. I then thought he would realize that things had changed for me since my attitude obviously changed at that time, but nothing concrete happened although there were still gestures and looks that tell too much on his side and everybody around us was well aware that there was something between us. After a few months of this, I felt really bad and I decided to finally tell him my feelings. His answer was that he never managed to get past the fact that I pushed him away in the past and that he put a blocker in his mind to protect himself from me. I asked him why the blocker was still there now, and that’s when he told me that he had been seeing one of our friends/colleagues for 4 months. That evening was horrible and traumatizing in many ways for both of us.

    Now we haven’t talked for 6 months, and barely look at each other although we work in the same open space everyday and I am sitting behind his lady all day. I wish I could forgive him but I don’t know where to find the strength to forget the fact that he broke my trust and never took responsibility for his actions and his lies.

    He sent me a message a few days ago to ask if we could talk. I haven’t replied yet as I don’t know if I can do this. I am very scared because I miss him very much and I think I still have feelings for him and that seeing him again would cause my even more pain. I also feel a lot of anger and jealousy, and I know I cannot keep on feeling this way if I want to find some peace, but I just don’t know where to go from there.

    Any advice would be more than appreciated. Thanks for reading.

     

    July 29, 2017 at 11:04 am #160970
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Simone,

    Maybe I might be misinterpreting your post, but it said that thing started off as both of you “starting out as friends”, and he quickly became the center of your universe, and things got very “intense”..however, you did not describe any kind of commited relationship with him. It sounded more like you were very infatuated with him, and that you “made him the center of your universe” which comes across as co-depency, because we can only love ourselves and our ourselves and love ourselves first. Putting someone “as your life” and “world” smothers that person.

    Men like women who are their own person, happy, so not need a man to complete them or “make them happy” they don’t like intensity or neediness/clingyness. They want a woman who has outside interests, such as hobbies, male and female friends, goals, dreams, passions, maybe volunteer work, church, a book club, etc. They don’t want to be your “everything”.

    It sounded like things went a little too quickly and intensely for him, which may have been the reason why he started seeing the other woman. You talked about “should you forgive him” but did you have a commited relationship in the first place?

     

     

    July 30, 2017 at 6:25 am #161040
    Simone
    Participant

    Hi Eliana,

    Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.

    It is true that we were dependent on each other. For the first few months he was the one who was “infatuated”, it is the word he used when we talked 6 months ago. At the time I had a serious boyfriend, which he knew, and I clearly told him I liked him just as a friend. And then over time I started feeling like I needed him too due to the amount of things that we shared.

    What I find difficult is that 1. He promised me that he would always be honest with me (I asked him a couple of months before he told me about the other girl, and he denied), and 2. He was still being handsy with me and for example, inviting me dinner while he was seing the other girl in secret. I kind of feel like he was playing with me during that time.

    I think I already know what he wants to talk about and I am wondering if there is anything at all for us to fix.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Simone.
    July 30, 2017 at 7:49 am #161058
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Simone:

    For a few months he was in -between, reads to me, in between his infatuation for you and his new relationship.

    You had three periods of time when during the relationship with him:

    1. You told him you are friends only because you had a serious boyfriend.

    2. You tried to communicate to him that you are interested to explore a more-than-friends relationship but from your share, I think your communication was not clear and he may not have known at all that you changed your attitude.

    3. You finally told him your feelings and he told you that he is involved with the other woman.

    Question: I understand that you are no longer in relationship with the serious boyfriend you had. Did that relationship end before #2 above and did you tell this man that you were no  longer involved in that relationship?

    anita

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