Zenhen,

I’m so sorry for all of the invasion and shame that happened and happens inside your mind and body. Anger is normal, and its good that you’re looking to heal it… and its good that you have it! Its far better than subjugation, or thinking that you in any way deserved it. Our anger protects us from that.

However, its also fiery and painful. I think the solution to your anger problem is twofold. This is coming from my own reflections on how my anger settled from my own history which is similar to yours.

The first and primary healing happens when we realize that letting go of the anger is not about them. We think that staying angry will somehow punish them for what they did, and we want to hold that anger like a weapon to beat on them. Buddha said this is like holding a hot ember in our hand with the intention of throwing it… but its our hand that gets burned.

Said differently, letting go of the anger is about you, and you reclaiming the beauty and happiness that you deserve. Its like the abuse has two victims. The young you, unable to defend yourself and parents who were terrible to you (at least in this regard). And the present you, whose body is burdened with the anger.

Holding this, knowing this is important. Because then second piece is looking at our abusers as dumb kids doing dumb things. Their invasive actions come from the same neglect of your parents. Boundaries weren’t taught to them, and so they did tragic and stupid things. The mental states that arise from sexual misconduct is awful on both sides. It would be nice to hold your parents accountable, but their addictions are really painful for them too, and arise because their parents did dumb things too. As we let our ancestors absorb the karma of the abuse (who knows how far back it goes) the anger leeches away, because as much as it would be nice to slam the spear of anger into a solid person, there really isn’t one there to hit, so we set the spear down directly.

This we can do through sitting meditation, and especially metta practice. Ajahn Jayasaro has a “metta” video which is amazing, and a “counting breaths” video which is a great place to start developing meditative concentration. When there is anger in the body, we say “this anger is extra, corrosive and unneeded now. So, I can let it go. Let’s do some metta practice and make my body feel warm again, instead of compressed and icky.” Or, “I notice my mind is racing around the past, let’s do some sitting meditation. Breathe in, 1. Breathe out, 1.” Etc.

The abusers just “showing up” suddenly is to help the healing. After all, if we get angry every time we see them, we have lots of opportunity to cleanse out our emotions and mind. In this way, the abusers become some of our greatest teachers, because when we can surrender into a compassionate view of them, finally, after lots of practice, we can love anyone… and all that pain becomes strength of heart.

One last note, don’t be ashamed of yourself. What you went through is tragic, sad, and painful, but it wasn’t your fault, and it is very common. I was abused sexually as a kid, and feeling like I was the only one who had a secret plagued me for years. I hear your story and look deep into it, and I grieve for the little one, my small sister Zenhen. There’s no room in the heart for judgement or aversion to you, only unconditional acceptance and love and sorrow that you had to go through it.

With warmth,
Matt

Zenhen,

I’m so happy and honored that my heartsong has been uplifting for you. I always hope and wish that the words reach out across time, space and concepts and help the hearts of those in need… and your words bring joy to my heart. Well, not all of them obviously. The situation with your boyfriend seems very salvageable. It sounds like he is loving, but ignorant of what to do, and like all males I’ve met, gets swept into the sensations of pleasure (blinding him to your side at umm… peak times).

One of the baggages of sexual abuse is the way we view penetration and sexual desire as about our partner or about ourselves. Because during our abuse, sometimes our bodies get turned on and experience pleasure, the icky emotional and mental responses get paired with pleasure and sex drive. For myself and some others I’ve talked to about it, this generated a rift or split between our sexual and romantic feelings. For instance, I could talk about my sexual preferences any time with my partner, except when I was turned on. This makes deep sexual union difficult because it is essentially a stifling of our sexual creativity. Said differently, we don’t let our bodies express the sensual and sexual energy we feel.

This is normal, and can be undone with some patience and acceptance. I noticed it in your post, and it brought a few things to heart that perhaps, if it resonates with you, you could try. The goal is to move away from the split and back into union, so that the sexual connection moves from their energy and our energy into an “us” energy. This allows us to experience real sex, unburdened by the abuse (which was not sex, even though it physically looks like it).

Consider that our sexual energy isn’t there to inspire our body to orgasm, its a sacred binding force of love. So, when we are taking back our power, it isn’t like grabbing a horse that we ride for our pleasure. Instead, we slow down, and pour our power into our partner. Each of us is different, but for me this is much like letting my mind and body sink into my partner like a cloud. If you make a tight fist, and really squeeze it… that is like the energy before sinking. Then relax the fist slowly, and feel the way it expands… spaciousness, blooming.

If you lay behind your partner and place your mouth on his neck, hand on his thigh or lower back, you can let your body unclench into him in the same way. You are a goddess, and your sacred river of passion is right behind that clenched feeling. She is powerful, sensual, creative, and alluring. Try to let yourself fall into him, relax into him, let your body feel his… the softness of his skin, the taste, his breathing. Try to let your mouth be a single body motion with your hand. Slow. As in can’t move too slow. Press in together with mouth and fingers, pull back together. Then, as his body starts to move, try to catch him with your body… so you remain in control of the pressure. For instance, if you are pulling back with your mouth and fingers and his hips move backward toward you, move your hips back as well. If you’re pressing in, and he moves, keep your body at the pressure you’ve set. Try to follow the relaxation, instead of the pleasure.

What this does is bring your creativity to his body in a pleasing way, and allow him to give it back. He can do the same practice for you, when you’re ready. And yes, this should help with any “he’s not able to perform” issues. What I have seen in myself and others is that men have a difficult time sustaining passion for a woman if she is not giving the energy back, such as if she is getting involved in thinking, or if the man is moving too fast for the waves of the woman and so on.

Also, you could pick up “The One Hour Orgasm” which is great in reawakening our sensual side, as well as providing a space for intimate communication with our partner. Its not about an hour of pleasure, rather, helping bring the sacred qualities back to our lovemaking.

With warmth,
Matt

Hello dear Zenhen,

I don’t enter Tiny Buddha very often, but something made me come in here and then I saw what you wrote… I truly believe there are no coincidences.

First of all, feel embraced… you’re not alone! I have a similar story. I will tell my experience in the hope it may be of some help for you.

I’m adept from a life philosophy / religion very close to Buddhism. Last year I was in a retreat for spiritual training; in the middle of the retreat I started remembering things that happened in my childhood. I remembered I was sexually abused by my father and uncle! Memories came up as visions and physical sensations in my body… I just couldn’t believe it, because these memories were closed for almost 20 years in my mind and I had no idea until that moment. I was living in the same house where uncle who abused me was living too… I didn’t have enough money to move to somewhere else… In the retreat I sought advise from one of the spiritual leaders and she said I should forgive the abusers.

I came back from the retreat in intense suffering… To tell my family was something I couldn’t think about at the time (haven’t told until today). I told it to my best friend – he helped me a lot. A few days later I decided to tell this to a person I trusted a lot, who I considered as a second mother to me. She didn’t believed me… she said I should think very well if these memories were real, if these memories weren’t being induced by the retreat… I had a panic attack when I read her email. It just never went through my mind that someone would doubt me, would doubt my memories were real – especially her.

Anyway, weeks passed and I was in deep suffering, memories going over my head and body. I know I came up to a point where I didn’t know what to do, I was so desperate… Somehow I run into a mentalization to forgive, from Masaharu Taniguchi. A spiritual leader from Seicho-No-Ie recommended me to repeat this mentalization many times a day, for the abusers and for my mother. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started doing it but not with much hope… I repeated it 100 times a day for my mother, and 100 for my father (to repeat imagining the person is in front of you, as if you were talking to him/her). In the begining it was very hard – the memories came, but I decided to keep on doing the mentalization no mather what. In the eighth day, I experienced a huge relief. I continued doing it for some days… Since then, the memories from the abuse don’t bother me anymore.

Doing this mentalization is what released me. Some people don’t believe this kind of thing can work – I didn’t believed in it when I started doing it. I was skeptic, but I was too desperate to rationalize… so I just did it. The fact is: it released me. I didn’t understand how it worked, but recently I understand (or began to understand)…

The mentalization is this:
“I forgive you, you forgive me, you and I are one before God
I love you, you love me, you and I are one before God
I thank you, you thank me, thank you, thank you, thank you”

Today, I can meet my mother, my father and my uncle. I’ve been thinking honestly with myself if I had truly forgive them, and… I didn’t – I have other reasons to be mad at them. So I started doing the mentalization again a few days ago, for all of them. I truly want to be cleaned of all negative feelings… I’m working on it.

A very important thing… I believe you should think honestly what are your feelings with yourself about this. I had a very hard time to admit to myself I felt pleasure in some experiences in the abuse. For many people, this is inconceivable, disgusting… but a body is a body, and we have parts of our body designed to feel pleasure. I still feel guilty about have feeling these things, and sometimes disgusted with myself – even though I know I was just a child back then… So, I’m working on forgiving myself too.

My learning… Hate is a waste of our life. Anger, sadness… all negative feelings are. I spontaneously remembered things from past lives; I know that what happened to me as a child wasn’t by chance. It never is. I understand we are here together by major reasons. I understand I love my family and that the wrong things they did doesn’t nullifies all the other good things they gave me until today. I decided to forgive and to love, even if it’s difficult. It’s entirely up to you whether you would still meet the abusers or not… but if you forgive them, you will free yourself. To forgive them doesn’t mean to have a relationship with them… but I believe you should be in peace with them.

I honestly hope this can help you. Feel free to answer or ask me anything. Whatever I can do to help will, I’m here.

Amelie

Kristin,

Namaste! Its been an incredible journey on this side, and I hope yours becomes more joyous as time passes. I’ll share any innovations I’ve found, and do my best to give love.

Amelie,

Thank you for the mantra, I had not seen it before. It is amazing and well aimed!

About that guilt…

When we wake up and decide our hearts have had enough, and we seek an find innovations to overcome our challenges, we begin to recognize how much time we spent in avoidance. See where this is going? Time sifted through our hands as we sought refuge in any number of things. Addictions, mindlessness, indulgence… we kept getting stuck. Said differently, our root chakra was thrown out of whack and we slipped into states of craving and aversion. With the bottom half of our energy vibrating, so was the top half. The guilt is just a result… an empty feeling or residue from the out of balance root.

What I’ve found helpful is like a mantra, but also a metta type meditation that follows the reiki rune cho-ku-rei, or “bring the healing energy here!”. The mantra:

The humility to accept the body and mind want to give focus to the heart.
The humility to accept the mind is a meeting between body and nature.
The humility to accept the body wants to give focus to compassion and sacred union.

This has helped me let go of many “automatic” emotions that come up, and the view of the world becomes much brighter. This is really only a side effect, because it quickly becomes obvious we are here to follow our hearts, give love (in whatever way that helps us or others scoot on away from the icky energy) and find peace and balance as best we can.

The guilt, from this view, becomes fuel… like an exercise ball for the spirit. Its painful, but the pain makes us alert so our bodies know to realign with compassion and nobility. I don’t believe its a coincidence that nature would give us a potent energy for balance, such as feeling icky when we work unskillfully with nature, and a feeling of warmth when we do act skillfully. And the great part is the guilty feelings are impermanent… as we gain strength of heart and balance our energy, the icky just fades away. The mind part is a maze of mirrors… we don’t have to do anything with it, just let it go. We can trust that a) we’ll either be reminded of the imbalance through uncomfortable feelings.
Or b) have the strength to let go of the maze and bring our energy back into the present moment where we let go in whatever way feels right for us.
Or c) simply not dwell at all, having let go of the past, and keep sharing and loving in ways that seem wise, here, now.

Perhaps a combination of the two mantras would be beautiful. Consider doing the cho-ku-rei mantra for awhile, then stand or sit naked in front of a mirror and do the other, forgiving your body for hurting so long. Forgiving your mind for cycling so much.

Look at how beautiful we are!

Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Zenhen,

Whew! That’s a lot of questions. 🙂 I’ll take them one at a time and try not to blab too much about one. Feel free to ask me to provide more detail on any of them if it might help.

1) The fog! Yes the fog, our silly minds which place a layer of silt on everything. The guilt and shame and fear adds extra layers to our senses… and we wake slowly over time as we find self acceptance and heal. It is jarring to suddenly awake, and so its better to erode the fears over time and things get clearer and clearer. The disassociation, in my opinion, is like a protective armor we put in place to protect our tender heart from our environment and our relentless self-criticism.

2) Tingling genitals sounds to me like a physical arousal perhaps without mental arousal. Instead of feeling warm and fluid, such as when our partner kisses us gently, its more like an itch. As the root comes into balance with our healing and self-nurturing, the mind and body unite.

3) Sitting meditation is great for bringing the mind and body together. The cho-ku-rei mantra has also helped me with that.

4) The saint/sinner is sooo common in my experience. Its more helpful to step away from the self judging. The saintly view arises from pride, where we pretend/try/think we are “perfect”. The sinner view arises from shame, where we fear/avoid/feel isolated because of our flaws or desires. Its a cycle that we can step out of with practice. The feeling of shame makes us feel unworthy of connection, so we compensate by trying to be perfect (whatever that means). When we (or others) regard our actions as great, we feel pride. When we (or others) regard our actions as not great, we feel shame. Instead of trying to be perfect, we can do our best to say what we see, think, and feel. That way if others like or dislike what we do, its about them, not about us.

5) Brene Brown has a great ted talk that is all about shame, isolation, and finding our self worth. This lack of worth is just a byproduct of shame. Consider that everyone is equally worthy of human connection. You, me, them… we’re all just stumbling along trying to find our way to joy.

6) When we were young, we didn’t have the strength or knowledge to set good boundaries. Because many of them were violated, we might get caught in fiery emotions like anger and fear before we think to set them. This makes us feel used or taken advantage. We now have the power and wisdom to say no, and if someone asks us for something that we don’t want to give, it is our responsibility to say no. Others can’t guess what we will and won’t do, and its not fair to make them. So when they ask, we can just say yes or no based on what we feel is right in the moment.

7) Sounds like shame to me. You are one of the most courageous people I have ever met, and I laugh and cry when I read your words. Sure, there are things you can improve on, but that’s true for everyone. As we open up and share with others, the “wrongness” is not secret, or even wrong. Just painful, so we heal it for our sake. Our parents set a bad example for us in suppressing or ignoring our abuse… most people cry and hug us. Little kids, penetrated and alone, scared, confused… grow up into adults longing for love and acceptance and scared they are unlovable. Why would a heart do anything but want to cry for their suffering? Love flows and connects us.

8) I did. I knew I would never, but still struggled with sexual desires arriving unwelcomly. As we heal, that goes away. Really its just fear… like you’d ever abuse a boy or girl. I bet you just about throw up in your mouth to even consider it. Fear is just fear, we can let it go. You are in control of your body.

9) When we are afraid, we are on high alert for danger. As we cleanse the fear, the alert changes back to appreciation for the love that is being shared. Instead of “oh no, where might that lead” which is our fearful mind playing a fantasy, we can see “look at how beautiful love can be… dads and daughters playing creatively and safely”.

10) Sounds like more fear. Consider reading “From Fear to Fearlessness” by Pema Chodron. Its pretty awesome. Consider that courage (which you have a lot of) is an energy that lets us do things we’re afraid of. As we let go of the fears, we don’t have to spend as much energy on courage, which we get to keep instead. Then we can do whatever we want with it, give it to others, concentrate longer, climb higher etc.

I’m impressed! You really know a lot about yourself, even if you don’t know what to do with what you know. 🙂 As we keep walking down the path of healing and self knowing, toward a balanced state of love and light, these items erode and dissipate. I’ve experienced all of them, but now, meh, not so much.

I still have some fear that my love or view might harm others because of what I’ve been through. Some fear that if someone really “knew me” they would consider me unlovable. But these are like gnats, flying around a spacious mind and heart so when they do come up, I catch them in my hand and put them back outside where they belong. The heart has too much love in it to let anything stop its pouring for long. Know what I mean?

With warmth,
Matt

Zenhen,

Wow, you really knocked my socks off with your insight “…transforming into compassion and understanding for my self, my experience and my abusers. I love how energy can slide back and forth like that.”

Our history inspires thoughts and feelings which cycle around our energy system (from perceptions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs etc etc). However, as we wake up we can see that those energies are impermanent. Otherwise, a metta practice wouldn’t do what it does. Isn’t that cool? That as we abandon the old and embrace new patterns, our energy very tangibly shifts.

What a space this creates around our experiences. “Hmmm, now this thought cycle is interesting, what to do?” Or “Hmmm.. this feels painful, what to do?” Others may trigger us, but they don’t wrestle control from our hands… after all, if we intend to give metta to all, but don’t or can’t, we can rest assured that with more practice (time on the cushion) our equanimity will return.

Then, namaste becomes an embodiment… the Buddha inside us remains awake, alert, giving and bows in respect to all. Those who are helping us cleanse our heart through triggering us are as important as those who give us wisdom. Motivation and direction, what a beautiful life we live!

Namaste. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt