Home→Forums→Tough Times→How Can I Carry On?
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June 20, 2014 at 12:05 pm #59266ElleParticipant
I have never done anything like this before but I was searching the internet for some guidance or even just for some people who might feel the same way I do and this site came up.
I have been through many years of bad luck – heartbreak, job losses, illness. Every time life has knocked me down, I have picked myself back up again and kept on going. For years. Over the past year, my marriage ended because my husband decided that he didn’t want children and couldn’t make a commitment to me. I poured everything into my relationship and he refused to make any kind of meaningful commitment to building a life with me. I lost my job which I loved. My house was broken into, most of what I own was stolen and the whole place was trashed. Yet after all this, I kept pushing forward.
The one thing that has really destroyed me was when I started seeing someone who truly broke my heart very recently. We were only together for a few months but knew each other for a year before that. We had liked each other for quite some time and so when we finally got together, it was wonderful especially after the heartache I had endured with my husband. We had a wonderful relationship, we became close very quickly – he spoke about coming overseas with me to visit my family, he told me he never thought he would ever feel this way again, he spoke about marriage, he introduced me to all his friends and invited me away for weekends with them. We spent all of our weekends together, spoke every day and had booked a holiday together. We both spoke about the future. Then this week out of absolutely no where, he broke up with me over an email. When I saw him the following day, he told me he had decided that he just didn’t want to be with me and felt that I was more certain about our future together than he was. He said that I hadn’t done anything wrong, that our relationship was wonderful, he loved spending time with me and thought that we are really compatible but that it just wasn’t enough. He was cold. Five days ago he said he thinks we have a future together, then 2 days later he ended it. I am reeling from all of this.
After my marriage ended, I felt sad and broken but still hopeful that I might one day meet someone who truly cherished me and would take care of me the same way I would take care of them. Now after this experience I don’t think I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I married someone who went back on his word, I was in a relationship with someone who made me fall for him and made me believe that he cared then snatched it away without a word of warning. These people have made me feel like I am fundamentally incapable of being loved. I feel so alone and so betrayed my heart literally aches in a way that I didn’t know was possible.
I am not the sort of person who easily gives into negativity and self-pity but I feel utterly hopeless. I have tried to fight that feeling but I can’t escape the fact that I have nothing and no one. My job is awful, I lost most of what I own and my heart has been destroyed. I have no reason to even get out of bed. How can I find the energy to carry on after this, after everything I have already been through? How many times can one person picks themselves up and start over only to be knocked down again?
June 20, 2014 at 2:46 pm #59278lucybParticipantIt must be really hard to cope right now, but:
“These people have made me feel like I am fundamentally incapable of being loved.”
Really only you can do that – how you feel is your choice. I know this might seem difficult but it really is true. If other people can’t commit to a relationship it’s they who can’t be loved, not you.
I think the first thing you could do if possible is find a new job – this will change the scenery of your life and that is the best way to get over things. Go on holiday, perhaps – or travelling longer-term if you can. Losing your stuff is crap but you are more important than your stuff and so is your happiness – try to let it go. Maybe even move house if it reminds you of the burglary.
“I have nothing and no one” – you have yourself, which is all anyone ultimately has. I recommended this book to someone else here but Viktor Frankl’s “man’s search for meaning’ might be useful to you. I know it sounds tedious but trying to view life’s downs as an opportunity to grow and become stronger might make it possible to change your perspective to a more positive one. Really a positive mental attitude is vital at these times as you obviously know. I had cancer last year and staying positive really pulled me through it.
I hope you find your way – your heart is not destroyed, it’s just a but bruised.
Lucy
June 20, 2014 at 4:00 pm #59279Big blueParticipantHi Elle,
I’m sorry to hear all that you have endured. Lucyb’s response is right – despite your struggles, you have life. And, I highly recommend you read that book.
Elle, if it’s ok I will give a guy’s perspective. I was in a committed relationship, but after much MUCH open discussion about how her bitterness of her past relationships were spoiling our relationship, I had to break it off. I would say to her that she was creating another bad relationship when in reality I was demonstrating and pushing for a good one. So, the question is, what happens if you meet someone otherwise worthy for you, but you bring these old wounds into it?
Elle, what if this bitterness affects other relationships? What if it spreads like oil over water?
This is motivation to work hard at re-inventing yourself. Please take this very seriously because you can turn yourself around, starting now. It’s in your power, and if you find that you need help, you can reach out and get help.
Lucyb I’m sorry to hear about your cancer – congratulations for recovering so well, and for helping others.
Big blue
June 20, 2014 at 5:13 pm #59283lucybParticipantThank you, Big blue.
June 21, 2014 at 4:50 am #59294@Jasmine-3ParticipantThanks everyone.
Hi Elle
I am sorry for your suffering.
Hey, have you every questioned yourself as to why life has been throwing curve balls at you one after the other ? The day you understand the reasons behind them, you will change your path and create a new life for yourself.
One thing that you should definitely look into is the pattern of your thoughts and your beliefs over the last decade or so. Do you truly believe that you deserve happiness, love and peace in this life ? Or do you constantly tell yourself otherwise ?
There is a great book by an author by the name Susan Jeffers (who has left the body) – feel the fear and do it anyway – is a good start. If you get a chance, pls do look at the work by Louise Hay and Cheryl Davidson. All these women touch on the underlying cause of our grief and recurrent self limiting beliefs that stop us from moving forward with our head held high up.
I will offer prayers for you and hope you will find the strength and wisdom to move forward in a positive manner this time. May you find the reason that it is keeping you stuck in the rut years after years.
Blessings and please give us a smile 🙂
Jasmine
June 21, 2014 at 5:01 am #59297edanaParticipantDear Elle, I too was married to a man who didn’t want children, when I did. I too was led up the garden path, after my divorce, by a man who promised me everything I craved (marriage, security, love, family) and who then changed his mind – just like that. This was a very long time ago now, so I have the advantage of a heart which has survived, mended itself, and found happiness again. No – not with another man! If you rely on others for your happiness and feelings of self-worth, you are doomed – other people are only human – we all want different things from life – we are all just using others to fulfill our own dreams. Your feelings of self-worth have to come from within – YOU know you are a good person, and a worthy person, in spite of the way other people treat you, or the job you have or don’t have. It is not your fault if someone rejects you – so don’t take it personally – they are just different than you, wanting different things from life and love, and they are free to do as they please. Sadly, people get hurt when they want different things from a relationship – it’s as simple as that, so let it go.
I did come out of my marriage with one child – a boy aged 3 at the time of my divorce. He ran rings around me just like all the other men I’d ever known, and it taught me a lot about what men want – they just want a nice time, with no demands. What I wanted, on the other hand was ROMANCE – just like in the movies and stories we were raised on – the fairy-tale happy ending, with a strong hero who will look after us, be loyal and love us forever. Well I eventually realised that it is just a fiction – a dream they sell us, like unicorns, fairies and dragons, it doesn’t exist in real life – but hoping and dreaming makes real life more magical, so we buy into the dream. Really if you want to believe in fairies, that is your choice, but don’t expect others to agree with you – the same goes for romantic love. Relationships seem to thrive mainly on compromise, self-sacrifice and tolerance, rather than ideals. You may be lucky and find a man who is good at those things, but often it’s the woman who has to do more of the giving, in my experience.
Regarding your last relationship – if he knew you for a year beforehand, and throughout the breakup with your husband, I suspect he sussed out what it was you wanted from a relationship, and offered it to you, may have even enticed you to believe he could offer you what your husband refused to give you (children) He would have been secure in the knowledge that you would take the bait, and he would be able to take advantage of you. Certainly that’s what happened in my last relationship, post-divorce. I gave out signals, as it were, to the men around me, that I was feminine, and that I therefore valued romance, true love, family etc. In other words I looked like a pushover. Not all men are predatory, but the older you get, the scarcer it is to find a man who doesn’t just want to take advantage whilst giving as little in return as possible. Let’s face it, the good, sweet-natured, generous, men are usually snapped up by a wise woman when still in their 20’s, and are at this moment patiently doing her bidding, paying all her bills and raising her kids! The ones we have to choose from as we get older, are the men who didn’t want to commit, or please a woman – they wanted to please themselves primarily, and don’t make good husband or father material.
So – if we are truly desperate to be in a relationship once we’re older, we have to compromise, accept that men just want to have fun, and make as few demands on them as possible. Let it go if things don’t work out. The perfect man only exists in your head. I love men, really I do – but raising one to the age of 20 has made me see that they are just human – and it is human nature to take advantage of opportunity. So – have some fun yourself. Rely on yourself. Believe in your own self-worth and your own good qualities. If you meet a man you enjoy spending time with, that’s great, but don’t expect it to be on your terms, or to last forever – because nothing lasts forever. Even in devoted couples, someone dies first. We have to live with insecurity, change and making the best of what we have while we have it. It’s not like in the movies – but it is real, and it can be special and enjoyable, if not perfect. Perfection is make-believe too unfortunately, so try to embrace what you have, even if it’s not ideal.
July 20, 2014 at 4:29 am #61287zaicaParticipanthi elle… going through the same thing too.. somewhat… so i was curious to read your entry… helped me a lot too, just reading through all the enrtries.. thank you for sharing what you went through….
i watched a movie years before.. “he’s not just into you”…..try it please…July 20, 2014 at 7:43 pm #61350BenzRabbitParticipantHi Elle,
I understand your pain – it is very difficult when we have faced life’s challenges for a long time and then something else comes along to knock us down when we least expect it !
Please know that you are not alone and Light ALWAYS overcomes darkness – just do the best you can and take it one day at a time !! Your angels will guide you forward.
Here is the link to a song called ‘Hands’ by Jewel that helped me – hope it helps you too:
God bless !
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