Before the age of 14, I was an outgoing, funny, kind, sensitive kid. I didn’t care what the world thought of me, and I was committed to being myself. Then, at age 14, I was hit with bipolar disorder. I started experiencing huge manic episodes— irritability, horrible self-attacking thoughts that would drive me practically crazy, huge amounts of energy that would result in me throwing things in my house, crying, screaming at my family and myself. And much more. It was awful, and this caused me to leave school. I was at home for 3 months, in and out of hospitals, going to therapists, trying medications, all the while refusing to leave the house unless I had to, and having my parents make sure no one ever came over the house. All of the friends I had were no longer in my life. I ended up getting on the right medication and going to a therapeutic high school, 7 years of hard-work, therapy, medication, and also luck, I’m now about to graduate college. I’ve come a very long way. And my disorder is still a problem, but not nearly as bad as it was.

But I’m so lonely. I don’t know how to let people in. My formative teenage years taught me to hide all of my emotions and thoughts from people because no one would ever understand the things going on in my head. And hiding is what I do best. As a result, no one really knows me. And I’m constantly putting on an act for the world, even if it’s super super subtle. I’m an actor now, so it comes naturally to me. Everybody likes me. To the world I’m a smiling, tall, funny guy, but on the inside, I’m not those things. I still feel like the kid who’s in a fetal position in his room that he just tore apart because he can’t control himself. I hate myself. I don’t like who I am, and I don’t think anyone would ever want to actually be around the “real” me. When I’m at home, I’m the “real” me, and I don’t like who he is. He’s negative, he’s neurotic, obsessive, either anxious or depressed. But I’m so lonely, and tired of putting on the act. I really want to show myself to people but I can’t seem to stop filtering myself. Even if I could test out to see how bad the “real” me even is, I don’t know how I can bypass this automatic fight/flight response to people that just immediately shuts down whatever I actually am thinking and feeling. I get into conversations with people and I just get stuck. I don’t know how to actually say what I think or feel, or behave in the way that I feel. I only know how to give people what they want to see. I don’t know how to stop controlling it. The only person I can let this guard down with is my mom. And I need some advice.

So my question is: How can I be myself around  people when I don’t like who I am? When “myself” is so much worse than who people think I am? And, even if I didn’t hate myself, how can I bypass this filter of mine? This censor that goes up once I come into contact with the outside world? It seems/feels automatic. I stifle my impulses and true reactions, and I just want to be free. I know this is a really specific problem, but has anyone else experienced this? Filtering yourself because you feel who you actually are without the filter is someone people wouldn’t want to be around? And what do you do? How do you stop filtering what you say, think, or feel? And is this possible for someone who struggles so much? I don’t want to burden people, or scare them away. But I also want people to know me. Any advice?