Dear Jay,

Though you understand the fact that accepting others’ affection is your choice, you’ve already realized that you are the one to draw back when people actually show you affection.

Whenever a relationship is smooth sailing, there might be an alarm in your head that goes off which prompts you to sabotaged it. Why? Is it because deep inside, you believe that good things doesn’t last for long so it’s better to end it quickly less you are disappointed again or that you don’t deserve this relationship and the affection and the happiness.

Love is not so much accepting affection from other people, but actually believing whether you even deserve affection in the first place. From your post, it doesn’t seem you even believe you can be loved, so does that mean you don’t love yourself? If you can’t love yourself, can you allow other people to love you? Because if you don’t love yourself, can you even believe you deserve love from yourself and other people?

I do not know what occurred in your life that made you question the validity of affection from other people and most of all, from yourself, but it is something to ask yourself. You have to ask yourself why you are so keen on believing that you, the person you are now, do not deserve affection from other people. Why do you fear it? Where did such feelings come from? When did it begin? What is the void inside of your heart?

Having hope for affection is one thing, but not able to believe that anyone can love you is another. But if you truly wish to understand love to give and to receive in return, then get ready to dive deep into your pool of fears and insecurities. It will be messy and it might dredge up old wounds, but to move forward to actually believing that loving yourself, though difficult, is not impossible will be a great dream come true. And there might be days where you regress into thinking that you really cannot be love, have compassion. Not everyone is their own best friend every second of the day and it will take courage to be kind to yourself, yet it will be worth it when you feel enough as the person you are currently.

Good luck.

I have this strange habit where when things start getting good in the relationship, I push them away

When we start to feel safe in a relationship subconsciously we will re-create past experiences in which we were hurt and that need healing.  If your pushing those you care about away its likely you experienced being abandoned or disappointed in someway by those you depended on for security leaving you to believe it was your fault and not good enough as you were. By pushing those you love away your daring them to prove yourself right while hoping they will stay and validate that you are lovable and good enough.

It is said it takes 100 “at a boys” to undo the harm cause by one person saying your not good enough so its likely you will continue to test people in this manner until you make this fear/false believe conscious and doing so take ownership of the story you have been telling yourself with regards to love and being worthy of being loved.