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Hope is bringing me down

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  • December 1, 2014 at 10:53 am #68618
    Anne
    Participant

    I’m so sorry you’re still in pain there, Jeroen. I feel that at this moment, you have built an illusion of her as a perfect girl with whom you could have a perfect life. You also take ALL the blame for the relationship ending, which is probably being too hard on yourself. It takes two to make it, and it takes two to break it. What part did she play in the end of the relationship?

    December 1, 2014 at 7:58 pm #68632
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Jeroen,

    Having gone through something similiar recently (right down to the ex dating a much older man), I can certainly emphasis with your situation. Based on what you’ve said, if she is unlikely to change her mind, has already moved on with her life and told you that she only wants to be friends, it should be enough evidence to indicate that the relationship is over. Sure you can hang around as a friend and hope that she changes her mind but as you have already noted, it comes at the cost of jealousy, feelings of inferiority and rejection. Women, being more intuative than men can sense these feelings a mile away and very few are willing to love a man who doesn’t love himself.

    I agree with Anne about it taking two to make it and that you should not take responsibility for all the issues. Based on what you’ve said, she was the one who decided to break up the relationship, the one who felt emotional afterwards and the one who decided to date a much older man. It’s important to recognise that those were she is responsible for decisions in her life, just as you are for yours.

    December 2, 2014 at 4:13 am #68646
    Jeroen
    Participant

    @Yue At work i have a whole other attitude then i have outside work. Right after the breakup i felt like crap and i let them know that by practicly just being present and do my job and talk to no one. But later on i showed a version of me who was happy, went on with his life(faking it but that is half as good lol).

    I’m not mad at her, after the breakup i got to know myself so much better then i did before. I learned allot about my fears, which i always have had troubles facing.


    @Anne     I do see her as the perfect girl, i lost my girlfriend and my best friend. That’s a huge hole in your daily life. Takes allot of time to fill that time up yourself. The thing is, she was very patient with me. In the first couple of months of our relationship she was talking about moving out. But we simple couldn’t yet. She pushed me to finish my last college year, but i was unmotivated. Hiding my fear of a scary future i was uncertain of. At some point, she didnt care anymore and let me just live my life. That’s where she started doubting the idea us in the future. It takes two to make it, thats right. But she really tried to make it work but i just wouldn’t put real effort in our future. So at one point she was just fed up with it and left.

    And i feel like if i had talked the talk and walk the walk, it would be all fine.
    If i would have just been there for her the way she needed me too.. i just couldnt see, or acknowledge, what that was.

    December 2, 2014 at 1:39 pm #68665
    Anne
    Participant

    Just so I’m clear – did she tell you at the time that she needed you to be there for her and work on that future? Or is this what you’re been able to work out after the breakup?

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