Dear Anita,

Wow, what great insight you have given me. I thought that I was overreacting in my thoughts in regards to not wanting to date him. I felt that I was just looking for excuses to deny him.

I certainly don’t want to be his cook or maid, which I certainly got the impression of. I am not traditional in the sense that a man should expect that of me if we ever got together which is why I felt so disturbed and bothered by it.

From what I know, he hasn’t been dating anyone in at least the past year (Michelle told me this a long time ago). From what I also know, Ava seems to be very close to her brother Richard, as well as to her other brother. After what you told me, I figured that maybe she wants us to date because she figures I might be easy to manipulate.

I actually had lunch with my mom and Ava twice last month, and wow was it awkward. We spoke a little, and that’s stretching things because it was minimal random things, and this was after her initial prompt.

Honestly, her interest seems to have picked up after the first time we had lunch during which one of their male workers are with us as well. He made a comment to her around the lines of, “hey, Aislynn’s very pretty don’t you think, it’s such a shame that I don’t come from money and that I am married.” Of course said coworker said it to Ava in private, after which she told my mother. By no means would I encourage his behavior. However, I’m thinking that it might have sparked her interest a little more.

Now that I think about it, there was actually a third time in which I saw Richard. However, during this one occasion, his sister Margaret came up to greet us when she got there, and then Richard also came to shake my hand. So in my opinion, if I were to spark his interest it would have been in that initial greeting, don’t you think?

As it is now, I don’t know how to turn down the request, because it’s basically only been a conversation between Richard, Ava, and my mom. I haven’t even been asked for input. My mother actually thought I should give it a try, she said that despite how different we might be that we might have fun since he has a few good things going for him. So again, now he’s being the one objectified based on his looks and what Ava has told my mom about him. Ugh.

I don’t even want to bring it up that I’m not interested because I am worried that it’ll only make Ava more resolved to get us to meet.

Dear Anita,

I know that Ava’s eldest brother is in the process of divorce after his wife cheated on him and took advantage of his financial situation. This makes me think that perhaps Ava doesn’t want Richard to end up in the same situation. Thinking about all of Ava’s possible intentions makes me feel guilty because perhaps she only has good intentions?

She’s not a powerful person in my life, it’s just that I HATE confrontation. I’ve never been good at standing my ground when it comes to my elders. I was taught to respect my elders and do as I was told. Therefore, I don’t have the slightest clue as to how to turn her down when I haven’t even spoken to her about the matter if that makes sense.

Dear Anita,

You are right. I do need to practice being assertive. It is not so much a problem with strangers, but rather when it’s someone related to me or whom my parents know. I don’t know, I guess I don’t want to seem rude or like a bad person. Realistically, I know that turning down requests won’t make me look like a bad person, but I still feel bad for doing it. I’ve gotten a lot better at being assertive when it comes to my judge-mental grandmother who I now refuse to visit. Stepping away from her was a big step for me, but I know that I am not as assertive as I should be.

I had never heard that quote before, but it is definitely something I will keep in mind because I can see how true it is.

That being said, I still don’t know how I will deal with this situation. I just hope it never comes up again, doubtful though. I feel that the only way in which perhaps I can get Richard and Ava to back down is if I speak with Richard directly. Since I don’t want to see him or go on a date with him I was thinking about telling my mom to tell Ava to tell Richard to send me a message through social media/add me as a friend so that I can speak to him and tell him that I am not interested. I feel that otherwise, without direct contact with me, he won’t understand. Does that sound like a good idea?

If it was a good idea though, what would I even say to him? I don’t want to cut him off right out of nowhere, rather I want to give him an informed decision about my choice not to want his friendship/courting. I know that I do not owe it to him, but I think that by explaining my motives he will better understand and accept my decision.

Dear Anita,

Yes, it was my mother who suggested it. I actually told her I didn’t think I’d like him and that I didn’t really feel like going out with him. That was when she told me that I might end up liking him since he had a few good things going for him.

I don’t understand the pressure for us to date. Therefore, yes I will speak to my mother about it as soon as she mentions anything about him. I don’t feel comfortable being the one to bring it up to her, so I will wait for when she mentions it again.

Now that I’ve spoken with you about the matter I feel SO much better. I don’t feel as stressed or anxious about the situation. I suppose I just needed someone to talk to. Thank you for listening Anita.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it.

I completely agree with you about the assertiveness. I don’t have many friends, and my family is my support system in so many ways. Therefore, I feel like I don’t want to disappoint her or my family. What you say is true which is why I now see why I would have preferred to turn Richard down myself instead of telling my mother that I was not interested.

You are right, looking at it, I did seem to be open to negotiation. I wasn’t, but I made it seem like I was. I suppose I felt that telling my mom that I did not feel like it would be enough to get her to understand. Clearly, it wasn’t. So I will definitely do my best to be more assertive the next time this topic comes up.

Dear Anita,

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. You would want your child to be assertive and confident.

I have a little update about the whole situation. I haven’t spoken to my mother about the issue right now, but yesterday I woke up with the strongest anxiety I’ve had in a very long time. I actually woke up from my sleep because of how anxious I felt. I tried to go back to sleep but it didn’t help and trying different aspects of mindfulness didn’t work either.

Unfortunately, this anxiety issue has everything to do with Richard. In my dream I was picking up my brother and Michelle’s son from school and I had gone to this weird street fair. I was in the parking lot and Michelle came to pick up her son from me because she had gotten out of work early, she left, and then Ava came. As soon as Ava appeared in my dream I sensed what was coming. So I start walking out of the parking lot and into the street fair and everywhere I go, Ava follows. I start feeling anxious and I want to get away. Ava then phones someone, and I know that it is Richard, and she then tells me that he is coming. For some reason, I then sit down at a table and wait. I actually don’t remember anything else from my dream, but I woke up with such an intense feeling of anxiety that I cannot believe a dream prompted this.

This anxiety was overwhelming in a completely different way than I’ve experienced during other times. I felt anxious for about two hours and it did not dissipate regardless of what I tried. I tried various techniques to take myself away from the anxiety, but nothing worked. The only technique that somewhat helped was picturing myself on a mountain and paying attention to all of the details, but even then my anxiety and dread followed.