Dear Aislynn:

I asked details on your other thread but got all the details I need right here. These are my thoughts: Ava doesn’t know you, at all. So her initiative to introduce Richard and you as dating potentials is NOT based on any valid information.

The fact that you can clean and cook, for crying out loud, is not valid information, unless, like you pointed out, Ava was to introduce you to Richard as a potential employee, a cook and a maid.

This is nothing but wishful thinking on Ava’s part, wishing her brother would get married and have children. You asked about her motivation, well- there are possible motivations, here are a few:

1. Maybe Richard is interested in a woman that Ava very much dislikes and she is afraid he will marry her and that she, Ava, will have a woman she dislikes as a sister-in-law, so she is in a rush to get him paired with someone else, anyone else.

2. Maybe Richard has exhibited, in Ava’s mind, a terrible taste in women he dated, and so Ava is desperate to get him paired with anyone who seems- on the very surface- decent, in comparison to his past choices.

3. Maybe, Ava is bored and so she is getting involved in her brother’s dating life, to have something to talk about with Michelle and with your mother- while he dates you, keep a conversation going.

Which brings me to the topic of your anxiety: the fact that the prospect is not only whether to date a particular guy, but whether to be the topic of conversations between Michelle, Ava, your mother, Richard and whomever else may be joining to talk- this is an extra burden on you, I believe. Now you don’t only fear what Richard will be thinking of you, you have Ava, Michelle and your mother’s conversations and cross-sections evaluations to think about.

So I would say- reject the initiative and when you do date someone, date someone who has no contact and no relations to people you or your mother knows.

anita

Dear Aislynn:

I like you looking for Ava’s motivation- very likely possibility, what you suggested. Maybe she did get the impression that you are shy, or awkward, following that lunch, and thought you would be easy to manipulate. Not a good thing… if so, she is already manipulating Richard and other people in her life and simply continues in the same line of behavior.

In your last line you wrote that you don’t want to bring it up that you are not interested because you are worried it will make Aa more resolved- are you afraid of Ava’s resolve? Is she already a powerful person in your life? If she is not paying your bills, why does she get any power at all, in your life?

anita

Dear Aislynn:

To do as you are told, my goodness, that is a recipe for disaster. It is a good instruction only if you are a child and your elder is a decent, capable and trustworthy person. And as the adult that you are, better practice being assertive and take on this opportunity.

Ava may have good intentions for herself. Maybe for her brother. As for you, I don’t know, not a good idea to risk your well being based on anyone’s good intentions. The saying goes: “The road to hell is filled with good intentions. And I say, good has nothing to do with it. (sounds good).

anita

Dear Aislynn:

The person who suggested to you personally to date Richard, the person who said or wrote to you about it- is the person to whom you say that you are not interested. Neither Richard nor Ava told you, Aislynn, that he/ she wants you to date Richard. So don’t talk to either one. It was your mother, am I remembering correctly, who suggested it to you? So tell her: not interested.

“Mom, you suggested I date Richard, Ava’s brother. Well, I am not interested.”

If she argues with you, ignores what you said, keeps talking about it as if you didn’t say that you are not interested, say anything of the like of: “my decision is final. I am not interested. Please don’t mention it again. Please respect my position, it is not negotiable.”

I know it is difficult and makes you anxious, so say it to your mother ASAP and get it over with, then had a cup of hot tea or a cold shower (depending on the temperature).

anita

Dear Aislynn:

You are welcome and I am glad you are back. I was wondering about you.

No wonder you feel a greater difficulty asserting yourself with your mother than with strangers (you mentioned it in an earlier post here)- the risk of being disapproved by a person you need is greater than to be disapproved by a stranger, a people of no consequence to you.

This is why this is a good opportunity for you to assert yourself with a person of consequence to you, a person whose approval is so important to you: your mother.

When you told her that you didn’t think you liked Richard and that you didn’t “feel like” going out with him, that was not assertive enough. The wording you chose suggested that you are open to negotiate. So your mother suggested you might get to like him. Assertive enough would be: “I will not date him.” No opening to negotiation. Hope you state your position clearly next time, anytime.

And glad you are feeling better.

anita

Dear Aislynn:

You are welcome. This is an opportunity to exercise assertiveness and with your mother! I sure hope (and can’t imagine otherwise, for any decent mother, that is) that she loves you enough to … keep loving you when you assert yourself. You can imagine, if you have a child, that you will keep loving your child when she asserts herself. You would love her for it, you would want your own daughter to assert herself and successfully. So you would encourage her, by showing her approval, not disapproval, when she asserts herself.

It really is your personal business whether you date anyone or not. You should never date anyone to please him/ someone else. And so asserting yourself in this area, which is purely your own business, is most important. Even if it brought about a disapproval from your mother, it would still be the right and healthy thing for you to do. Hope to read an update from you here, in the future, about this. (and/ or thoughts otherwise).

anita

Dear Aislynn:

Will be away from the computer for a couple of hours and will read and reply when I am back. So sorry your anxiety spiked (read first sentence or so)- be back shortly.

anita

Dear Aislynn:

We communicated at great length from December 28, 2015, to August 1, 2016. It’s been five years and over 8 months since you lasted posted. You should be in your later 20s at this time; I am so very curious to know what is happening in your life.

As I read through your threads, I came across what you shared in a previous thread:  “My father… his departure was indeed unexpected… Yes, I did take responsibility for him leaving, as a child I thought perhaps I had misbehaved. That I had disappointed him or angered him in some way…. Yes, I did identify with my mother’s struggles and hurt. I saw her as the victim because I saw how my father left us with nothing. He took all our valuables in terms of money and jewelry, and in a sense destroyed our family. I also saw my younger sister as a victim as well… I felt that I needed to protect and take care of my mother and sister. They had already gone through enough, and I being the eldest child felt that it was my job to step up and do all I could. My mother had to take up more hours at work in order to be able to pay the bills after we moved in with my grandmother. I saw how hard she had to work…

“I felt that my mother was hurt after my father left, I saw her as vulnerable and felt that it was my job to make her feel safe and happy… I saw her struggling, and I saw how hard she worked, and it was all to be able to provide for me and my sister. It hurt me that she had to make so many sacrifices. It didn’t help that I knew my uncles were all belittling her after my father left. They took it upon themselves to always tell her and remind her how they had never liked him, how they knew they’d never last. My mother’s family has always, always mistreated her. They’ve belittled her, pushed her around, hit her, etc.). I saw how those comments hurt her; thus, I felt an even bigger need to be strong for her. To protect her. My way of protecting her was by always pretending everything was fine. Even when I was being bullied in school. I didn’t want to cause her anymore pain… I just didn’t want her to see me as weak, because I felt that I needed her to see me as strong. I wanted to be strong for her and my sister” –

– I boldfaced the part that Aislynn the child/ teenager wouldn’t have known unless she heard her mother talk about it (talking to Aislynn directly or to someone else, in Aislynn’s presence). Her mother chose to let Aislynn know about her family “always, always mistreated her… belittled her“, etc., always, ever since she was a child.

Aislyn didn’t tell her mother that she was bullied in school, because she didn’t want “to cause her anymore pain… I never let her know about the bullying… I didn’t want to break her heart or hurt her. It was my burden to carry, not hers. I didn’t want her to see me as a broken“; but her mother told Aislynn about the mistreatments she, the mother, suffered since she was a child (“always, always“), not caring about breaking Aislynn’s heart, not thinking that her own childhood pain is her own burden to carry, not Aislynn’s.

Aislynn felt a big need to appear strong for her mother and to protect her mother from knowing that she was bullied in school; her mother didn’t feel the need to appear strong for her daughter and to protect her daughter from knowing that she was mistreated by her brothers growing and onward. (“I felt an even bigger need to be strong for her, to protect her“).

Aislynn, being older than her sister and brother, felt that it was her job to step up and appear strong for the sake of her mother and siblings; her mother, being older than her three children, did not consider that it was her job as a mother, to step up and appear strong for the sake of her three children (“I being the eldest child felt that it was my job to step up and do all I could“).

Aislynn felt that her mother was hurt and that it was her job to make her mother feel safe and happy; her mother did not notice that her daughter was hurt and needed to feel safe and happy (“I felt that my mother was hurt after my father left, I saw her as vulnerable and felt that it was my job to make her feel safe and happy“).

Where her mother failed to step up, Aislynn did.

“Indeed, I did become angry… Angry that I felt I had to fill his shoes. Angry that I felt I had to step up and protect my mother and take care of my sister. I felt he robbed me of my childhood because I felt I had to look after my mom and sister” – Aislynn would not have had to step up, to protect her mother and take care of her sister if her mother appeared strong and in charge. If her mother took charge, she would have given Aislyn specific, spelled out, limited chores, so that Aislynn wouldn’t do too much and get overwhelmed, robbed of her childhood.

“Even now… When my mother and stepdad are mad at each other I always do my best to make sure my 8 year old brother is not around” – Aislynn made sure that her younger brother was not around to listen to his mother and step father quarrel, protecting him from witnessing his mother’s distress; something that Aislynn mother did not do for Aislynn when she talked about her childhood pains and onward mistreatment by her brothers.

“I spoil my brother and try to fill in what my mother and stepdad cannot provide for him. For example, I’m in college, full time, and I make sure my schedule always falls accordingly to my brother’s needs. I am the one who picks him up from school and take care of him while my parents are at work…  I make sure to always tell him that he needs to come for me if there is ever anything wrong…  maybe this all stems from me feeling like I didn’t get all those things as a child… I do not want my brother to grow up alone” – you grew up alone, without strong adults supporting you emotionally, without your needs for safety and love being attended to, without anyone to tell when you were bullied at school, etc.

“What amazes me most is how as a child one could possibly think ‘my mother is weak, I need to protect her and be strong for her.’ It amazes me because if we think about it, there really isn’t much help I could have provided for her in the case of a robbery, financial distress, etc..” – final thoughts, later.

anita