Love is nt sex, or if it is its merely errotic love, youd know the difference.  I do nt personally indulge as I consider it inappropriate to the way in which I wish to love.  Regular romantic love obviously  has a strong sexual contingent, and romantic love is normal.  Its also quite normal to find that which is the most attractive, this has nothing to do with beauty, the most attractive.  To deny that which is in this respect is an act of almost wittingly willing ones accelerated ageing.  It is a fact that we do not grow ever more sexually attractive with the passage of time, and at the same time if you genuinely love someone the priority must be in assisting them to manipulate nature in their favor.  I am only capable of physical world records through my sixties because there is no denial which I have been obliged to implement, and perhaps also because I KNOW that I`m still in my absolute prime of life.  Porn would corrupt/undo my style of love, which is spiritual romantic rather than sexual romantic.  At the same time I hanker for sex, and porn, almost as much as when back there in my teens.  I prefer to redirect these urges, perhaps more especially because my social company is predominantly teenage girls.  I run a sanctuary for them from my home.  Even in their teens I only find about one in every fifty, or so, sexually attractive, so I do understand why it is that some of us kind it necessary to supplement with porn.

Dear Jessica Bolton:

He told you that “he is uncomfortable talking about it (his porn watching). It’s embarrassing to him.”-

This means that he is conflicted about watching it, feeling some shame about it. Whenever you bring the subject to him, then, first thing he feels is discomfort and shame and he is not likely not hear a thing you say on the matter.

It may very well be an addiction of sort on his part, and not an indication that he is about to have an affair. If your purpose is for him to stop watching it, your only chance for success (be it as small as it may be), is to get to a place, in your mind, where you accept it for now. Then you communicate that acceptance to him, acceptance-for-now. This way when you talk to him about it, he doesn’t automatically freeze in distress, and is able to hear you and talk about it.

anita

Hi Jessica,

Do you think your fiance feels safe being himself in front of you? Where there is secrecy and/or undiscussed but pressing topics of any kind, typically someone does not feel safe. Do you feel safe being yourself in front of him?

This may not have much to do with porn.

Jessica,

I really understand where you are coming from. I am in the middle of divorce now after being married 17 years (together for 20) and I found out, through a passing comment, that my husband watched porn regularly. Porn itself isn’t an issue when it is a shared activity. But when I found out he was watching it alone as a hobby, I felt completely inadequate. I was absolutely shocked at how bothered I was by it. I am progressive and all about “live and let live.” But the fact is, I will never look, sound or act like those women. This coincided with a drop in our own intimacy for a number of reasons. I never felt comfortable again knowing that (porn) was his standard or even (God forbid) his expectation and, honestly, that was the beginning of the end for us.

I am not suggesting your situation is the same. There were so many other layers to the stinky onion that was my awful marriage, but that was a really difficult one to get over. And truthfully, we never got over it because I never felt like I would measure up to his porn star expectations. You all may be able to work it out. But I thought I would share with you my own experience with that. Because it was incredibly impactful.

Wishing you the best!