Hhelp me have better relationships with women

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This topic has 14 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by The Ruminant.

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May 27, 2014 at 9:39 pm #57519

jock
Participant

I mean female colleagues at work. My relationship with my partner seems OK as we have been together over 20 years.
My workplace has a majority of females about 8 to 1 ratio. So there seems to be a “female dominance” if I may call it that. Not that I want a “male dominant’ workplace. Just I’d like to relate to the women on an equal footing. There seems to be something in me which attracts disrespect as I see it. Could be my low self-esteem I guess. Or I seem to have some negative belief about my relationship with women. Like “they will see my flaws better than men” or “they must all see through me as to what a real idiot I am.” Don’t know where these beliefs came from.

May 28, 2014 at 12:00 am #57531

The Ruminant
Participant

Hi Jack,

I am equally fascinated and perplexed by your question. Why do you think that they are disrespecting you? Why do you think that it’s a gender issue? I also find it interesting that you use the word “disrespect” and not some other word that would suggest that you are treated poorly. I’m asking, because I’m genuinely curious. We’re all human beings first and all the gender stuff is secondary. Sure, women might be more perceptive about many things, but being disrespectful towards another human being because of what is being sensed is just bad behavior and unacceptable. Regardless of gender.

All that aside, why would you think that you’re an idiot? Isn’t that a bit harsh? I’m not sure if it matters where those beliefs come from, but they are silly beliefs. The good thing about beliefs is that they’re not the same as reality, and you can choose what you believe. So why on earth would you choose to believe that you’re not good enough?

May 28, 2014 at 1:34 am #57535

Anonymous
Inactive

Reflect on this – The mouth can already have a sweet/bitter/neutral taste and how it perceives the taste of food could depend on that. My question is – if the mouth is already bitter, will it be fully able to grasp sweetness in the food? Or is the food actually bitter?

If you are satisfied with your answer, consider this – what is perception per say? Is perception really reality or a segment of it? What are you more afraid of – being a fool or being perceived as a fool?

May 28, 2014 at 1:42 am #57537
jock
Participant
the ruminant
Thanks for your reply. Call me oversensitive but I sense some hostility already. Because I used the word “disrespect”? Is that condescending?
I don’t really want to go into details as that would be confidential.
But I think women do like to be treated as women first and human beings second. Could be my brainwashing and the fact I grew up in a strict religious environment with 9 brothers and no sisters.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by jock.
May 28, 2014 at 1:46 am #57538
jock
Participant
@tsuki said:
Reflect on this – The mouth can already have a sweet/bitter/neutral taste and how it perceives the taste of food could depend on that. My question is – if the mouth is already bitter, will it be fully able to grasp sweetness in the food? Or is the food actually bitter?

If you are satisfied with your answer, consider this – what is perception per say? Is perception really reality or a segment of it? What are you more afraid of – being a fool or being perceived as a fool?

The first part reminds me of a scene with Grasshopper in the TV series Kung Fu.
Part 2:
“Being perceived as a fool by you for not understanding your post..” is my answer. 🙂
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by jock.
May 28, 2014 at 2:42 am #57543

The Ruminant
Participant

I don’t think you were being condescending 🙂 The reason I asked about the word “disrespect” was that it can be used in different ways. Sometimes people feel that they are being disrespected because they expect a certain behavior towards them and do not get what they want. There is a difference between being disrespected as a human being and being disrespected as a man (or a woman). But I think I can understand your situation better now, after your further explanation.

First of all, I’d like to say that it is certainly possible that there is a hostile environment at your workplace and it could be because you’re a man. Anything is possible. All workplaces have their own culture and atmosphere. Some can be terribly dysfunctional. All that it needs is one egoistic or bitter person to make the whole place toxic. If that is the case, I do not know. It’s impossible to say.

Secondly, it makes sense that you might have problems approaching women if you’ve grown up with all brothers and in a strict religious environment. It is much easier for men who have grown up surrounded by women. They know that women aren’t some mystical creatures and there’s no need to be afraid of them. I can understand that it’s different for someone who grew up in a different kind of environment.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with being old-fashioned, but there is a difference in how it can come across. I think that it is really important that what ever you do, however you behave, that you do it with a pure heart, confidence and authenticity.

People, not just women, sense when you do things out of fear, or if you want to manipulate someone or if it’s in some other way a fake gesture. They also sense how much you value yourself, and will treat you accordingly. The combination of fear, not liking yourself and treating women as women first and human beings second can come across in a terrible way. I know you don’t mean it that way, and I do feel for you.

I think it would be so important that you work on liking yourself more. You need love and compassion. A lot of it! It’s not just about your work environment, but other aspects of your life as well. Being true to yourself, accepting yourself as you are and loving yourself stops the second guessing. If someone would still treat you poorly, you’d know that it was their own problems coming to the surface and had nothing to do with you. Could you allow yourself to be open for love, joy, compassion?

May 28, 2014 at 4:26 am #57548

Anonymous
Inactive

Wipe the fear of being perceived a fool for all of us are really fools in progress 😛

Ok let me elaborate a bit 🙂

Your perception decides a huge part of your emotional experience but it is actually not the entire reality.

How you feel about yourself is the state of the mouth. The external environment (other’s thoughts, actions, activities we do etc) are the food. How you perceive the food is decided by your understanding of the taste of the food. If your mouth is already bitter, food which is actually sweet would be perceived as bitter. There are many who dont believe any good that is said about them and feel even worse when someone says something bad.

Now the question is whether the external environment/food is really that unpleasant..Or perhaps you’re terribly conscious, judgmental about yourself and invariably extend that feeling to others, is something you have to introspect about.

Women are definitely a subset of the human species and like every person out there, they have certain needs – respect, politeness and they enjoy praise too. In a work place setting, one needs to be professional and mostly stay on a positive footing with co-workers. But arent co-workers technically just people?

Really, despite all our misgivings, we’re all the same – we just want to do well and be happy. Maybe the way we do things differ but fundamentally, there is this human quality in all of us.

Be kind to yourself – you’re a good person with wonderful qualities and so are they. Try to recognize what you have in common rather than focusing on your differences.

May 28, 2014 at 4:37 am #57550

The Ruminant
Participant

I agree with Moongal wholeheartedly 🙂

May 28, 2014 at 5:36 am #57551

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Hi Jack

My apologies but have not had a chance to read through other posts as yet but I wanted to offer my perspective on this as I notice that you are 56 and an Australian. I am 20 years younger to you but also an Australian and I can relate to your query.

I have found it hard as well to work in a female dominant workplace previously although I am a female myself, so you are not alone 🙂 What I have found is that when certain type of women come together, they can create a toxic environment esp if they do not have higher education or high level jobs. The insecurity that you talk about can be quite rife in this group as well for multiple reasons. But the bottom line is that it is not all that bad and can be dealt with easily.

I learnt over time that to survive in a female dominant workplace, you need to have clear boundaries. Do not ever engage in gossip, complaining, bitching or back biting session with any of them as you wont know how and where that information is going to be shared. You cant maintain peace with one and forget the rest. Often, there is an all or none principle at work here so you have to be cordial with all (even if it is superficially). Do not take sides. Be YOU.

Due to various hormonal changes, some women can go through different phases at work, ie, some days they are nice and some days, they can be very bitchy. You must have experienced all of this at work by now 🙂 The easiest way to deal with this is to offer your genuine care and attention. Do not ignore but acknowledge and move away if you don’t feel like talking.

Lastly, everyone loves a genuine connection, which is filled with love, acceptance and respect. We should always treat people the way they wish to be treated. So if you want to know a certain woman at work or get her help, ask her nicely as to how you can establish such a connection keeping within your boundaries. I have learnt that making assumptions about people is not the right thing to do and making anyone feel stupid is not at all wise. Nowadays, I think for a few mins before I say anything not so pleasant to anyone as I have learnt that people are defensive beings. No one likes to be told off. Putting a positive spin helps especially when you are dealing with a work colleague.

Wish you all the best in your journey and hey, be YOU. You are perfect the way you and the areas, which you think could do with improvement, work on them but with self love and nurture……never ever do the negative self talk again. You are in your fifties and you have seen a lot of the world and people. Not many people at your age have the courage to ask such a question that you did so be proud of yourself, pls 🙂

Cheers,

Jasmine

May 28, 2014 at 5:46 am #57552

jock
Participant

Wow Jasmine..I feel like you know exactly what is going on at my workplace!! Brilliant post!
That almost brought me to tears! 🙂

May 28, 2014 at 5:51 am #57554
jock
Participant
The combination of fear, not liking yourself and treating women as women first and human beings second can come across in a terrible way. I know you don’t mean it that way, and I do feel for you.

Ouch…sad but true..thanks for your post ruminant. Guess I can be overpolite, a bit stiff (oops bad choice of word 🙂
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by jock.
May 28, 2014 at 5:55 am #57556

jock
Participant

esp if they do not have higher education or high level jobs

very true

May 28, 2014 at 5:59 am #57558

jock
Participant

I do tend to make a mountain out of a molehill as well; it must be said. 🙂
Thanks for your replies.

May 28, 2014 at 6:17 am #57560

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Hey Jack, it is ok to make a mountain of a molehill but the only person who suffers from such an experience is SELF.

My motto: Stop, think, fill yourself with love and then Act.

I am glad my post resonated with your being. I hope you will have much better days at work now 🙂 I have been having much better days, months and years myself since I realised the trick.

May 28, 2014 at 7:37 am #57564

The Ruminant
Participant

I’m so glad Jasmin’s post resonated with you. It made me happy as well! 🙂

Jack, please don’t take my comments about possibly coming across the wrong way personally. The reason I pointed that out was that sometimes people have the best of intentions, but they are anxious or nervous and it ends up coming across the wrong way. I wasn’t sure if that was the case, but it looks like Jasmine’s interpretation hit closer to home.

…and like Jasmine said, please stop the negative self-talk. It makes a huge difference in life. You have no idea how much power those pords have over you until you stop them. It’s a hugely liberating experience!
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