Kim…..Hi……I read 3/4 of your story and stopped because I can kind of predict what the rest will say. Been there done that a lot. I am one to say that u really need to stop and take a breath. Look I have been there many times since my first divorce…..I married when I was 22 and had my first born….relationship didn’t work out after ten yrs of being married and two of dating….I was devastated when I divorced because my ex had beat me, cheated on me and had taken every part of my self esteem. I believed in “till death do us part” and dint want to be another statistic so I stayed for as long as I could. During the court proceedings I ran into my bf from high school…he too was divorcing. We started hanging out and I always saw him in a platonic way in school so to hang around was awesome. Unfortunately time, age, and maturity played a big role and I fell in love with him. We married five months after and it was great till the fourth and fifth year of marriage… Same issues arouse and I wasn’t going to tolerate it…he ended up cheating and getting girl pregnant while I was pregnant too…yeah, I know. He came back after affair and man I regret it to this day. I lost so much weight and was severely suicidal, always checking his phone, etc….I was going insane. One day he loved me next day 360! My problem was letting go of the past and it still is every time I meet someone….it’s like if I keep accepting the love I think I deserve. Same types of men….looks, athleticism, height, domineering, and controlling..I never healed from my first marriage. Big Mistake…after seventeen yrs I recently met a man at work and truly fell in love with him…we got engaged and recently as I saw his true colors, I returned engagement ring and somehow things went to shit after that and he broke up w me and said when he was done he was done, but it was fun. Yeah, I know. I was devastated…he hasn’t called for almost two months and I think he may already be in a relationship. Now I can say that I’m ok w that because he is no longer my problem and if he didn’t truly care enough…..he did me a favor.
Why an I telling you all this when this is about your struggles, right? Well, patterns….I have learned through many people who post on this website and strongly agree that when we don’t deal with our own issues, insecurities, self esteem, and love for ourselves, that’s the love that people will convey and reciprocate. There’s nothing wrong with you but you are trying to find something and someone that will fill the void you have with yourself. Do you accept you? Do you love you? Can you be alone? Can you accept that being alone until you heal from the past is a good thing? I can’t tell you the similarities that a lot of us have on this site. The self esteem issues being number one and the lack of love toward ourselves. I know it feels good to have someone in your life that cares for you, compliments you, and tells you they love you, but those are just words…..anyone can do that in the mirror…ACTIONS are what matter. Don’t settle for anything less. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. I can’t say I’m a 100% the one to give advice but really, take some time to think, plan, write, and be whole again…journaling helps…when you read back what you write you’ll be amazed at how things look when you are on the other side looking in. Much love e.

Dear Kim,
There is a book called facing love addiction ny Pia Mellody I read not long ago…it describes the relationships between love addicts and love avoidants and the cycles they go through. Your story really brought the book back to my mind. Losing someone you love soo deeply hurts like crazy and it can make you feel like life is over because it will never be as colourful again, it will never be as exciting…and I cant tell you that it will because I am just finding out myself right now, but the only thing I have found helps me make peace with my situation is remembdering that no matter how great it feels to be with him and how much I really really do love him, I need to love myself more…you don’t need someone who will draw you in and push you away, it is painful, I know. I know just how painful..but you have to think of yourself as someone outside of you who you really love and you must protect at all costs, and you have to protect you from the turmoil he has and can put her through.
Best of luck, you are not alone!
regards,
Gina

Hi Kim – I am not anywhere close to having been married, but I have been in three serious relationships, two of which has ended (one of which might be ending?? I’m here for advice too, my page is ‘relationship break?’).
All I can say is that some of the best advice I have been given is that often there is not going to be any closure. (From my dad, who did go through a divorce). We somehow think if we understand all the things that went wrong and why the other person did what they did then it will help us move on. But it really doesn’t. Just because we understand why something happen, is that realistically going to make it any easier for us to accept it? From reading this, it just seems very clear to me that this guy is not ready to commit to a real relationship. He’s got a daughter to worry about and probably his own feelings to work through from his divorce. If he’s not ready to be serious, then he’s not ready.
You can give yourself the closure you need. What is he going to give you, more excuses? Even if he gave you an honest explanation of what he had felt, it wouldn’t change where you guys are right now.
Give yourself the closure you need and tell yourself that this guy is not ready for me, he is not ready for the love I am willing to commit and give. And if he’s not ready, then he’s not the right person for me, and I can and will find someone who is.
I can tell just from what you have written here that you are a strong person who cares deeply about the people in her life… don’t despair. =] Anyone would be lucky to have you.

Oh and I signed up for Oprah’s and Deepak’s 21 day meditation series on miraculous relationships…it’s amazing!

https://chopracentermeditation.com/home

Hi Kim…sent you an email…xo