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Helping others to feel seen

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  • March 29, 2014 at 7:53 pm #53779
    Jo
    Participant

    Hi All–

    A couple of weeks ago I had quite an earth-shattering realization that self-compassion and mindfulness help one to stay centered and grounded in the face of insecurities, fears, and other difficult emotions. In practicing over the past weeks, I’ve realized that most of the people I encounter on a regular basis (primarily at work and in my family) seem to be carried away by their own insecurities. How silly it was to assume it was only my problem, it’s everyone’s problem! Now that I see people constantly defending their egos, and all of the suffering that causes them, I want to help.

    Everyone wants to feel seen and accepted, right? How do you do that for other people without further fueling the ego problems that keep them trapped to begin with? For example, I have a very insecure coworker who seeks approval from anyone and everyone, and telling him that he is smart and competent seems to just exacerbate his insecurities and send him frantically seeking more praise and approval. Is it the case that some people just don’t want to be seen and accepted?

    I should be clear that it’s not my intent to try to “fix” people, or change them in any way, I’m asking whether there is a way to show people that you accept them without firing up defenses.

    This is my second post in this forum and I had wonderful and incredibly helpful comments on the first go, so I really appreciate any and all thoughts on this.

    Thanks,

    Jo

    March 30, 2014 at 12:03 am #53786
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Jo

    Thanks for your post and congrats for your mindfulness journey.

    I will share my experience, which may or may not resonate with you but I am sure you will hear from other TB members on this topic as it is quite thought provoking.

    – not everyone wants to be on the soul consciousness, self realisation or mindfulness journey. Everyone has their own reasons – some known and some unknown.

    – help works the most when it is asked for and even then, some help may resonate with some people and some may not. Everyone is on their own journey. Unwanted help or advice often falls onto deaf ears.

    – our words, actions, feelings and thoughts produce a vibration (energy), which has the capacity to reach the other person much faster than any email, mail, words etc. When our intention is pure and produces positive vibrations, even the worst criticism will appear as a divine or melodious music to someone’s ears. If the intention is wrong, even the most beautiful compliment will backfire and produce a conflicting response from the other individual. You can try this on your own.

    – we cant fight with someone else’s ego or defences. However, we can try to act out our most authentic self and “walk the talk”. If you wish to nurture someone with your compassion, do so but without any expectations or use of logic mind. For eg, Telling your co worker that he is smart and competent is great. However, then using your logic mind to reason out as to why he seeks more praise and approval (or your praising him leads him to want more of the same from others) defeats the purpose. He is he and you are you. By showing your compassion and love to him, you have shown your beautiful side. Leave it at that.

    – we can help the people most when we are our authentic self, that is we accept who we are as we are…..and in the process, we are also acknowledging that we accept people the way they are without any questions asked. And trust me, when you do this with a pure intention, your positive vibrations will do all the work for you in helping that person become more secure or centered. Energy flows from high to low level.

    – other ways of sharing your love and compassion is to offer prayers for these people while you meditate. Universe listens to all our prayers, which are not conflicting in nature.

    Does this make sense ?

    Jasmine

    March 30, 2014 at 7:05 am #53805
    Matt
    Participant

    Jo,

    It sounds like the soft heart of compassion is blossoming inside, which is wonderful. Consider that when we see other people suffering, of course we wish to help. However, we also have some diligence to protect our soft heart. Said differently, the warm considerations in your heart are like tender shoots of growth. With time they grow deeper, stronger. For now, it’s enough that you see. Do your best to do no harm, and be patient with yourself and them. Suffering and ego struggle has been around for thousands of years, the world can wait a few months while your warm glow grows strong.

    In the meantime, consider taking an approach that is open. The usual example is “answer questions if asked, otherwise don’t meddle”. It is very usual for a newly growing heart to go out and “beat people up with truth” because of how enthusiastic and full of hope we become. “Just grow, damn you, can’t you see how much more difficult you make it?” That gets tempered with time, as the shoots grow into thick roots. Much like a girl might make additional messes as she helps her mom clean up, our desire to change others (even for their benefit) often makes it more difficult for them.

    That’s why when we’re beginning, we simply answer questions. Instead of worrying whether or not they feel seen, simply be joyous, alert. Let them see your smile, your heart. They might see you have something, and be more likely to approach you with “what do you do to be so full of light? What do you see?” Then you can let them know they’re seen, and the heart aims with simplicity, such as simply knowing what you want to say, saying it. Like breathing in and out, the warmth and light flows though us.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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