Hi GlassSpirit,
I relate to your post. My children have coped with my divorce in different ways. My son already had a therapist, so that was a very good thing in place already. My daughter however, powered through it like she usually does with things. She has a very driven personality. It is only now, 5 years later, that I see some effects it’s had on her. I always offer to help her get support outside of me, when she is having a tough time. So far she has declined. I ‘ve decided to trust she will get more out of it when she is ready. I focus on my own healing, believing that my modeling is a powerful help to my children. I strongly feel that when your daughter cries over things, she is releasing pain from all the losses she has had in life. I find it a hopeful good sign she can do this regularly! Trust she is healing every time she grieves, even it if isnt directly related to talking about the divorce. Children go through a profound loss, as do we, with divorce. I try to remember that for myself, and my kids.

Hugs, to you and you daughter, Lily

Hi GlassSpirit,

My son seems to have coped well with my divorce, but he was only 3 at the time. My stepdaughter however, has a lot of baggage related to her parent’s divorce. However, she also had the added complication of her mother not caring for her properly and her father (my husband) taking over full care.

She has had abandonment/security issues as you can imagine, despite my husband’s best efforts. We haven’t taken her for counselling. We just let her know that we are here for her to talk to and that there is other help for her if she feels she needs it. So far, she has declined that.

I guess the point of difference with out situation is that my stepdaughter turns to me when she’s struggling. I have made a point of allowing her to feel free to discuss ANYTHING with me, including being able to tell me that she wishes her parents stayed married, that I wasn’t her step mum etc. This has all been in a non-judgemental environment. I don’t take those comments to heart as I only need to put myself in her situation to understand that I would have felt the same even if I did love my step parent.

We have also spoken to two psychologists about her situation and both have said to not pursue counselling as it can create the mindset that she is ‘damaged’ and ‘troubled’ rather than helping her to process what’s happened in a supportive environment, accepting it for what it is and moving on.

The acting out when injured etc is normal. It is your daughter’s way of letting it all out. Another point to consider is that the family situation is mattering less and less to my stepdaughter as she gets older (she’s almost 13) and friends start to become more important. She’s more focussed on acceptance in her friendship group, moving into high school and growing up rather than what is going on at home.

Your divorce is reasonably fresh, and these things take time….years even. My main advice is just to be there for your daughter and keeping her father up to speed with any conversations so that you are both on the same page.

All the best to you and your daughter….it is a tough time, but with love and support you’ll both get through it.