Hi,

So, after about a year of reading Tiny Buddha, studying Buddhist Texts, Meditating and reading some really inspirational posts, I decided to come out of hiding and give “my truth”, hopefully managing to help others along the way but we shall see.

My name is Wayne and I have struggled to cope with different feelings for a number of years and I presumed depression, sadness, anger, hatred and loneliness were all par for the course in this thing called life… but I realised it doesnt have to be this way. I can actually feel happy, love and smile again!

I grew up on a small holding in South Africa and moved to the UK when I was about 12 maybe 13 and I struggled to fit in almost immediately, I never really had friends when I was younger and I was bullied during my school life to the point that I actually took a weapon in for protection. I survived it and took on an apprenticeship, entering the world of work. I really, really, really tried to make people like me and I feel really ashamed about some of my activities in the workplace, including trying to flirt with married women, hanging around with people too old for me and just generally looking desperate. I played rugby until I was accused of stalking a barmaid and had the living daylights beaten out of me. Again, I survived and started what would turn out to be a long career in Catering

Professionally, I would tell you “Oh yeah, I began as a Pot Washer and became second cook in 5 years” but really? I kicked off about being a pot washer, turned up to work drunk so many times and was generally a prick and to keep me motivated, they handed me the extra duties (how the hell that was meant to work, I dont know!). It wasn’t until I left the job, that I realised I had developed a drink problem, I tried to blame it on the abuse, but I enjoyed the attention too much. I was really depressed and tried to hide my secret of being unemployed with a drink problem and getting the proverbial kicked out of me every other week by pretending to be in the Navy… what a mistake! I really got a good kicking by actual Navy and Army personnel.

In 2012, I met a girl and we moved in together, I had managed to quit the drinking, get 3 jobs and enroll on a college course while I was also training with the UK Coastguard. Sounds like I am a real success right? Well, she resented me because all I had ever known to do is argue, keep my heart closed and generally still be a prick. We split up in 2013 and I ended up at home, where I friend suggested that I try Buddhism… I thought “Pah, its just a fad religion” but I found sites like Tiny Buddha and meditations, I had truly become another person, I was calmer, happier and more enthusiastic.

In March 2014, I began a new role as a horse rider and groom, I did fantastically well. I learnt to jump within 5 months and pretty much ran the yard in 6 months. I had done it!! I had seen success, there are aspects to the job I am really, really ashamed of (spotted the pattern yet?) but I am really proud of myself. But now, I am in a very tough situation

I am due to fly out to South Africa in March to go live with my dad and sisters etc but at the same time, I have a lucrative offer of rebuilding a down and out Basketball Club, its a volunteer basis and would call for a lot of hard work and I would have to give a lifelong dream up… what are your suggestions?