Dear regijones:

First thought: he started anti-depressants in the last three months. I remember when I first started SSRI antidepressant (Zoloft), I felt better right away. It was as if a pair of scissors cut of every distressing thought/ feeling at its beginning. So overall I felt NOT distressed and it was a great relief. At the beginning, anyway (first few months). How much of it was due to the affects of the SSRI drug and how much was due to the “sugar pill affect” – I don’t know. Also, SSRI antidepressants are very well known for reducing or even eliminating sexual desire.

Regarding his statements which on first glance look contradictory, here is a possible way of understanding them:

“I´m emotionally really unstable right now,” my emotions change and I get confused. Relationships confuse me; this is why often “I just want to be alone.”

I know you love me, I am sorry you are feeling badly. If I say “you´re still my favorite person in the whole world,” will you feel better? What if I say:”“I will always love you”- will that make you feel better? Sometimes I do love you, so it is true, although sometimes I don’t love you. Maybe what it is, is that “I don´t love you in a romantic way.”

Please don’t cry… look, “If I´d be in a relationship with someone, it be you” except you are so far away,“the distance was too much for me.” And no, no- none of this is because you are older than me, “I still find you incredibly sexy!” It is not about you at all, ” I just can´t be in a relationship right now.”

From your description, he is suffering indeed from depression and he has a long way to go to heal. He has to find competent therapy and then persist in the process of healing for many months, maybe a few years of perseverance and commitment to therapy.

When he was willing to move mountains to be with you, he was very motivated. But then the mountain of long distance, for one, was too big of a mountain for him. His anxiety/ depression were a range of mountains to difficult for him to climb. And SSRI drugs, like pairs of scissors, cut off emotions, including motivation (to climb mountains).

Reads to me that this relationship is not at all promising. I wish it was, because that would make you very happy, and you would be looking forward to a new life in New Zealand. Unfortunately, it doesn’t read like possible or plausible anytime in the months or years ahead.

anita

Dear regijones:

Not all-depressions-are-created-equal. His depression is different from yours. His lead to the breakup while yours did not lead you that way. Your two individual lives, from childhood and on, are different from each other. The particular fears are different and the solutions each found to those fears (however temporary or ineffective) are different.

For example, maybe your solution to your fears/ anxiety (which is probably in the core of the depression), has been to reach out to him for comfort, to dream of a new life maybe, in a new place. His solution, maybe, is to disconnect to anything he is associating with his anxiety. Your solution, in other words, is to connect MORE with him, and his solution is to connect LESS with you.

What do you think?

anita

Dear regijones:

I don’t think you can make him want to connect more. His first priority is to feel better. For him, he feels better not being connected to you. So he is choosing that.

Your priority is also to feel better. For you, you will feel better if you got him back-

But he CAN disconnect from you and you CAN NOT get him back. The reason he can disconnect is because all it takes is one person to disconnect- he did and there is nothing you can do about it.

On the other hand, you can’t get him back because it takes two people to get back together- he doesn’t want to and so, you can’t get back together with him all by yourself.

anita

Dear regijones:

He told you that being with you is too stressful for him “right now”- so you are thinking: maybe later. This is why you are on “stand by”- because he said “right now.”

He is (and has been, for a while) associating YOU with “TOO STRESSFUL”. Because you and him are long distance, how is this association going to change for him? I don’t see it. If he will be ready for a relationship, in the future, he will likely try it with a new woman, one who is not associated in his mind with “too stressful.”

I would say this relationship is over. As over as a relationship can be. So to answer your question: “Will he come back?” – my answer is Not Likely. Probably not.

I wouldn’t wait for him to change his mind and consider this relationship in the past. Can you plan your life without him?

anita

Dear, Regijones..

Don’t move to NZ.

From what I read, it seems like he is indeed is unstable at the moment. I am sorry you have to hear this, but the truth is, you are a burden to him right now. If he’s in bad depression, being loved so hard while knowing you can’t be a good partner, is a burden. The bigger your love for him, the worse you made him feel about himself.

Set him free. Give him some time. Let him learn again to love himself, stop texting him, find any distraction like new hobbies or activities. Don’t feel like he puts you on standby, don’t, it’ll also makes him feel bad. If you really love him, just move on with your life and be happy instead.

Love is the most complex thing in this universe, but it is also the most simple thing. Have faith, stop forcing things. Sometimes you just have to give in and let things happen. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

Dee.