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sveena.
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December 12, 2013 at 12:35 am #46624
sveenaParticipanti feel so unloved, alone and all the negative things i can think of, to the point that i really want to die.
my indian boyfriend and i were planning to get married. he gave me a promise ring and later on proposed. at first their family is ok with him to marry a foreigner, but later on they change and sending him several pictures of girls they like for him to choose. he still told them that he still wanted to marry me.
on our previous talks together, i understand how important his family to him, and because i also want him to do the same to me. so i told him to talk to his parents and ask for their blessing. he told me not to worry.
almost 2 weeks ago, he went back to personally talk to his parents. little did he know they already arranged for his engagement. when he try to talk to them about us, his parents will cry, his mother did not almost eat, with that he complied, and they proceed with their engagement.
when he returned, he talked to me, of course i would feel devastated, i was left behind, i hold on to his promise the we will get married.
i ask him that since its only for a few days, he can still cancel. the most important is that they haven’t married and nothing happened to both him and the girl. but he say, when he cancel his engagement, there will be a lot of problem. their lives will be damaged. is it true? or he just bluff me into marriage?
please please please help me
December 12, 2013 at 6:33 pm #46648
LilyParticipantHi there,
I am sorry you are feeling so low and no doubt it is a very, very difficult and confusing situation. I dont know your boyfriend or you or your situation but Im Indian and know a great deal about how traditions work in this culture. So I will tell you what I have seen of situations but of course, none of us can really predict or know what the truth is.
Its is very common for Indian parents to not want their kids to marry outside the culture – infact most insist that they marry within the religion or their community. I am not sure if you were aware of this while you were in the initial stages of the relationship and if you had discussed this with your boyfriend. It is also true that most Indian children do not want to cause their parents sadness or family the loss of face by marrying someone outside — I am sure your boyfriend is facing a GREAT deal of pressure in trying to keep you and his family calm through this process. I dont envy him, it must be driving him crazy. What his mother and family did, as ridiculous as it is, is emotional blackmail, that is used frequently to get parents to get their kids to do what they wish. It doesnt make it right but that is his reality at the moment.
Im not sure if he bluffed you into marriage, I cannot say because I do not know him. There is a great possibility that he was being honest but did not foresee that his parents would react this way. At this point in time, he will either pick to make his family happy and forget you OR marry you and abandon his family – I have seen both happen and it really depends on what kind of personality your boyfriend has and how much influence you and his family have on him.
If he decides to cancel the engagement, there is meant to be a LOT of issues and lot of drama – not sure how strong he is to work thru it and convince them that you are the love of his life. Right now, please take care of yourself, whether this man or not, all you have is you. I hope this works out for you but know that if it doesnt, you WILL be ok. Choose to love yourself at this moment and try to be patient with him as he sorts it out – he has all the power in the situation and I hope he does the right thing by you.
Good luck. Take care.
December 13, 2013 at 12:42 am #46665
siaParticipant@sveena, i am sorry for your pain..
just a thought, if your friend really likes you, he can choose to talk to his parents, the other girl and her family about you, your relationship and explain how happy he would be if he marries you and spends his life with you and how unhappy if he would be if he has to marry someone else(that would make the other girl unhappy too, if she comes to know that his heart was with someone else..). i am an Indian too, i don’t have anything against arranged marriages, i understand the drama that happens in Indian families around marriage which defeats the main purpose of getting married and living happily after… but, this would be what people in love would do sometimes – to tell and explain to their families about their love till they consent. you can tell your friend that may be he need not choose between his family and you, both of you are not opponents or contestants to win him; he can choose to speak up(and he has to do that right now) and can still have both you and his parents in his life without hurting each other. he only would have to work a little bit more harder to make things work..
best of luck for your love, happiness…December 13, 2013 at 4:53 am #46672
@Jasmine-3ParticipantHi Sveena
It is normal to feel what you are feeling in your current situation but please do not let those feelings create a permanent home of anger, doubt, resentment, rejection and hatred in your heart. Our thoughts and emotions are like a powerful magnet – like attracts like as per Universe’s law (ie, positivity attracts positivity and vice versa).
Once you have calmed down and able to asses your situation with clarity, please count your blessings. There are always 2 ways of looking at any situation – positively or negatively. In my experience, You can always find a hidden gem of positivity in most situations when emotions are not running high.
In your case, you need to sit down and ask yourself an important question – what sort of life partner do you foresee yourself with (someone who is strong with authentic values and able to stand up for his happiness or someone who bows down to pressure from the society). Once you are able to clearly visualise your needs, you will not feel so hurt or negative and you will also be able to clearly articulate your needs to your partner.
May you find the strength to move beyond your current doubts and visualise a life shining with light, unconditional love and acceptance.
Cheers
J
December 15, 2013 at 4:57 am #46779sveenaParticipantThank you all for your insights and kind words.
Yesterday, I think I made a mistake of contacting his brother, my bf ttold me last time to try and talk to his brother, so I did. I ask his brother, why he and his parents cannot accept me for him, what is wrong with me, if they want, i can show them that i can stay at their place, i can learn their language. his brother and i love each other so much and does he think they are being fair forcing his brother to marry someone he doesnt love or even like. Then he replied that because I cannot stay at their place, sooner or later when I have a child I will ask his brother that we move back to my country, i told him that its not fair that he just judge me without even knowing me, he just based it on other peoples experience and what their friends told them, and then he say he is sure with what he is saying. In between our conversation, I cried so much, he also told me that their life is in my hands now, because he say that if his brother decided to cancel his engagement with the girl, his mother will want to die, their family will fall apart and that there is no need for me to cry, that just for a few days, I will be back to my normal self. I feel so bad, to being judged like that, I know myself that I will not do that, to ask my bf to leave them behind, and he thinks my love for his brother is just nothing.
After few hours, I received a call from my bf, he say that his brother talked to his parents about my call and how much i cried. His parents feel threatened and called him, his father cried for the first time, saying that he is different, he is not being a good son, that they all depend on him, then after his mother talked to him, she say that there is no need for him to work abroad, just go back home and stay, she will want to die if ever he decided to cancel the engagement and marry me, he must not be selfish, he must also think of his families welfare.
Its hard for me to understand, knowing his parents have been in this situation before (arrange marriage), they must know how it felt being rob the chance to decide on your own. So why they still do that to their own children?
Its so hard, I do love him so much, we both do, what we have is something more special. I dont want him to have a problem with his family, but i also dont want to let him go.
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