Are you having trouble making friends or connecting with people? What do you think of before or during the time that you feel lonely? There’s always a root cause, that’s the thing to find before figuring out what to do about it.

Clare,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how empty the world around us can look sometimes. Sometimes when we don’t have many heartfelt connections, our sense of isolation and purposelessness becomes overwhelming, and it feels like there is no hope. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and peace. We’re born with a few instincts, but the rest we have to learn from our parents and teachers. So we get a mix of helpful and unhelpful patterns, views, strategies. Said differently, there is no shame in a full blown hands in the air “what in the world is happening, what is wrong, what do I do?” because finding a path to happiness tricky.

This is especially difficult when we’ve had a parent that uses shame as a punishment. We all make mistakes, and when a trusted loved one makes us feel bad for making mistakes, it can lead us to think of ourselves as flawed. As though something is inherently wrong with us or the world, and nothing can make it right. Luckily, that is bullshit. We’re learning and growing, and making mistakes is part of the process. Even big ones, sometimes.

But what to do in the here and now? Perhaps we find some acceptance of where we are, who we are, but we still have a whole life to navigate… some strategy to use, apply. So, what do we do?

Clare, you have an incredible amount of passion. Right now it perhaps seems like you’re lethargic, desireless, or aimless, but that’s because you’ve been suppressing your passion. Consider that you LOVE people, and wish to have deep heartfelt connections with them. That is such a blessing, dear sister, because your dreams are of connection, sharing… not diamonds and fans. But, because you’re in an environment where no one seems to be making the first move, instead of acting on that desire to connect, you choke it down. It doesn’t feel safe to just open up, and so you stay bottled up, perhaps lonely and hoping that you’ll be seen.

Buddha taught that the sangha (community) was one of the pillars of growth, for exactly the reason you’re voicing. If we don’t have anyone to share our vision with, our passion, our hopes and dreams… then we can begin to lose them, give up on them. When we were kids, playing with a doll or truck alone soon got boring, but if we had a playmate, the creativity would bounce back and forth and keep the story fresh and moving. Said differently, its no wonder you’re feeling ishy about your path, perhaps you’ve been playing alone for a long time.

To break free is quite simple, but takes practice. You become the light you’re seeking. Instead of looking and wishing (“no one cares about each other, wah wah wah”) we blossom and jump. Said differently, when you feel like your parents or siblings or friends aren’t caring, be the caring one. Be open, heartfelt, light. You see the potential, see how they maybe don’t see it, and try to help them see it through your example. For instance, say your mother calls you and talks about some empty gossipy thing. Instead of being agitated that she isn’t hearing you or seeing you, and is lost in some story, consider asking her to hear you, or say something to her from the heart. Gratitude and love often glow brightly for us, so if mom is chit chatting about nothing, and you retell some story from your childhood that shares how much you appreciate her, it could help steer the conversation to warmer, heartfelt things. With friends, often times the first step is in listening to them closely, letting their words connect to you, to matter to you. As we open our heart to them in this way, it often goes a long way to helping the relationship grow from acquaintances to friends. You don’t have to delve into deep secrets and so on if you don’t feel trusting, but you can be warm, friendly, open. Doing these kind of things can really help us remain open and passionate with people.

You might say that doing that requires a lot of strength, a lot of passion. Consider for a moment that perhaps the negativity you’re experiencing is actually your bottled up passion. You wish for heartfelt connection, dont act on it, and instead stuff the desire down. Then, the resentment you feel, the negativity, mirrors the strength of your wanting to connect. Said differently, perhaps the resentment comes from your needs going unmet, your passion staying bottled. If you uncorked it, not only could all that momentum put some spring in your step, but the negativity will decrease as the pressure releases. For instance, if you had 10 heartfelt moments with people, then one “meh” moment, it would be easier to get back up, smile, and feel content that you tried your best. Its harder when its 100 “meh” for every one heartfelt moment.

Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. Metta is a loving, friendly warmth that arises in the chest, and is the earnest wish for people to be happy, safe and loved. It grows a deep heartfelt connection to yourself, and helps increase the glow of our compassion and joy. Consider that when we spend time thinking about happiness, we help produce happiness in the body. First we think the thoughts, then we feel the feelings. So, as we envision ourselves happy, other people happy, our emotions follow along and we feel peaceful, smooth and happy. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested.

Remember, the family at tiny buddha can offer a spark, but it is your tender fingers that must grow your light. Namaste, sister, may you find peace.

With warmth,
Matt

Matt,

Your words deeply touched me. I, too, feel like Claire and reading your reply literally brought me to tears. Thank you for such a thoughtful reply.

As ever, Daisy

That makes sense to me. I think it’s quite common to wonder if your friends are really your friends. What about people outside of school? Do you think you can find like minded people through external hobbies?

I feel you’re making a lot of assumptions, the only real way to figure out if somebody really “gets” you is to open up first and give it a go, often you have to make the first move and get your thoughts out there.

Also I believe a lot of feelings of disconnection come from feeling that we’re somehow different from other people, but we’re all human in the end, there are more similarities than differences. It makes sense if you start thinking that way and it might help feel less different from everybody else. For example you’re not the only person on these forums, you’re also not the only person in your city, everybody, everywhere can sometimes feel the way you do, even within your family and friends.