I also wonder how you say “on a pause” and “on a break”.  I’m not able to hook up with this guy again unless he showed me that hes interested in dating me in a real way. Which I don’t feel will ever happen– even though I’d hope it would because I do think we could learn a lot from each other and it could work, or would at least be worth a chance.

So I’m not sure i could say we are on pause. I feel like it’s ended for good, unless he wanted to give me a chance. But again, even he said don’t wait. It’s just hard to let go of the idea of it working out when I see him around somewhat often in real life, and hes replying to my social media. I just wish I could move on from the idea of it working out (because I know it’s not going to)

Hello Anita,

What you said about him not being qualified to deem me good enough to date, was extremely moving to me. I really needed to hear that. So thank you for pointing that out. After going to therapy last year I learned one of my deep core beliefs is that i’m not “good enough”.. so anytime that feeling is triggered it really hurts me. But i’m learning to recognize it now.

And yes that makes sense about how I pretty much gave him everything, made it extremely easy to go out with me and have sex with me, so of course why wouldn’t he keep going with that. With where he’s at in his life, he really doesnt have the money or effort to put into a relationship–which is basically what he’s told me. I do get that one hundred percent.

However, with sex off the table, as well as any of my attention anymore, I’m wondering if he’d change his mind and put more effort in. OR if he just doesn’t care about that and continues hooking up with other girls and enjoying his life as is, and occasionally messaging me on social media.

In the future, I suppose I shouldn’t jump into sex so soon without more communication? Its just SO hard to do that when I really enjoy sex and if the moment is right and attraction is there, why deny that experience. I guess I’m still learning how to communicate and what my boundaries are…

Thank you Anita for all your advice. You are very objective, clear, and honest which I really appreciate.

I’m wondering if their are deeper issues here with this guy… he is 37 years old, has only had one “real” relationship and it was “toxic”. My friends often see him out at bars or around town, and he’s usually alone or with guy friends, with the exception of the time I saw him with a woman that seemed like a possible date.

He lost his father to drugs when he was a baby, grew up with a step father basically. Perhaps he struggles with his own deeper insecurities or pain from past experiences.

Maybe it’s my ego, but I wish he saw me as desirable enough to change his ways haha. I know that’s obviously unrealistic, but it’s a fantasy I have. I really need to accept his lifestyle and move past this idea that he would come after me and want to commit.

Something else I’ll need to work on is getting past the anger.. perhaps I’m angry at myself for not communicating more clearly early on in our encounters. But when I see him in person (which is actually quite often as we live in the same neighborhood) I struggle with wanting to ignore him and play it off as I don’t care about what happened, versus wanting to give him a lot of attention and ask how he is, etc. It’s in my nature to be so friendly and bubbly and talkative to people I like. But when I have this tinge of pain/anger I feel like I shouldn’t give him any attention or energy… even though realistically he did nothing wrong. Maybe having this time apart will help me heal and I’ll be able to see him as a friendly acquaintance around town but nothing more… and perhaps soon I’ll meet someone more in line with my values.

Hello Anita,

I actually did see that happening at some point, a time coming where I can say “I’m mad at you. And I’m mad at me for xyz”.

But I don’t think I could do that by reaching out to him out of no where through phone call or text. It would need to happen naturally, when I see him in person around town. I’m sure he wonders if something is going on in me because I don’t respond to his messages, when in the past I always would. And when I see him I give less attention and enthusiasm. I’m never mean.. just not as upbeat as my usual self is.

Or perhaps next time he responds to my social media I can say, “I’m mad at you and mad at me” . Otherwise he’s over there thinking everything is fine and he can be friendly to me when in reality I’m over here still upset about what happened. I just need to be clear on why I’m mad… and it’s because we didn’t communicate earlier on about what we wanted or what our intentions were. But to be truthful I really didn’t know what mine were… I just wanted to get to know him first before deciding if I wanted more… and how can you know if you want more before hanging out with that person for a little while?

But this is something where I’d need him to make the first contact in order for me to express that to him. Otherwise I will just continue to find focus in other areas and accept his lifestyle and decision. And this time of not seeing him so much will help me heal and forgive both of us I hope.

Thank you Anita for your wisdom. I believe the time will come to talk with him. Especially since I see him so often around town, and I happen to hang out with the same crowd as well, and I’m just certain in time we will reconnect. When we do, I will let him know. Seems like he wants to be friends or at least keep some connection with me, and if thats the case he should know my feelings. Thank you for asking me the right questions and telling your observations. Really its helping me accept the situation as it is and move forward with my healing and own self-love and growth.

Hello Anita,

So something that happened and is bound to happen much more as time goes on…. he actually practices yoga at the studio that I practice at (neighborhood studio, since we live in the same neighborhood naturally its happened this way). I’ve seen him there a few times recently, and the last two times he came and sat with me after class– just talking about yoga or asking how I’ve been, etc. Theres always a lot of people around and sometimes other friends of mine, so it feels like a very inappropriate setting/time to bring up what happened so long ago.

It’s a little confusing for myself personally because when he sits with me and we talk, I’m completely content and happy to just be friends and I don’t actually feel mad in that moment at all (I completely forget about it) And it just seems SO dumb to be hanging on to these words he said so long ago and say something like “oh by the way I was mad when you said this even though it was months ago” … especially when I’m not even that mad at HIM. You know? I’m just mad at ME for not clarifying intentions earlier on, and I don’t know if he needs to know that or if it’s worth sharing that information. I also don’t even know how I would– I don’t feel close enough with him to call him up. I just feel torn and when I say why I’m upset out loud, i just feel like “really thats it?? that happened so long ago why would i be hanging onto something so in the past??”

It’s clear we are just friends, and things would never be physical again. Personally I’m a fan of how things are– the fact that I now only see him in a healthy safe setting such as a yoga class, as opposed to out at a bar with alcohol involved, feels really nice and safe to me, especially now that there is no sexual pressure anymore. And I’m still trying to figure myself out after my last break up and dating again and what I want. Maybe it’s a good thing this is happening and I have this setting/space to see him in.