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Help: In love with two people at the same time

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • October 16, 2018 at 9:15 am #231273
    Mayra
    Participant

    Hello! I’m 25 and I had a partner I met on a spiritual retreat, we stayed together for 6 years and were planning on getting married. Our relationship was easy going and full of respect for each other, he is a really sweet and attentive guy, honest and humble. But the last year that we were together I started to feel very frustrated because we fell into monotony wich he is very comfortable at routine and I’m completely the opposite. I like to try new things and it became more often he refused to do other than what he felt comfortable doing. We stop exploring and camping and even hanging out with friends. And when we did go out he was all mad and annoyed by a lot of things. He was very polite about it but still, I got very frustrated and talked several times with him. He tried to step out of his confort zone once every now and then but every time it felt harder and harder to get him to do other than being at home watching movies or playing video games, and of course he started to feel frustrated and feeling “he was not enough” we weren’t very happy but loved each other (It’s just he is so kind and a beautiful human 🙁 )… One day I invited him to a exhibition, I had a glass of wine and chatted for a while with a friend and got tipsy. On our way back he was expressing how uncomfortable he was every time I got tipsy. So that night I told him I needed a break. I felt relieved, and even though I missed him, I started to reconnect with friends, going out and fooling around… I feel I reconnected with a part of me that I put to sleep during those years. But after 3-4 months we really missed each other. He was very sad, I was sad too… So we started to date again. I had a backpacking trip I was planning for after I graduated. I went to my trip alone and it was one of the best things I could have ever imagined, the last week I met a guy in Chile, he is a very spontaneous, liberal, chill, free spirit. We have a lot of things in common; reading habits, views on life and several topics, spirituality. It was a very intense connection. We kept talking after I came back, I stopped seeing my ex, I felt very happy and in love for the first two months but then started to feel like shit, and I guess acting shitty as well because I started seeing my ex and not telling him about the other guy. So then I told him, broke his heart and told him I loved him still… I moved to another city to “think” I’m on an anxiety mess. One year ago I was planning my wedding and now I’ve hurt people, found shitty behaviours in me, ran away from everyone and not knowing what decision to make. I don’t want to loose my ex “full of kindness” but I don’t want to close the opportunity to see the other, “full of adventures” guy. Am I horrible? Thanks for reading my bible.

    October 16, 2018 at 11:36 am #231347
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mayra:

    You wrote about your six year boyfriend: “he is very comfortable at routine and I’m completely the opposite. I like to try new things”.

    Later you wrote: “it felt harder and harder to get him to do other than being at home watching movies or playing video games”-

    Is that the routine you referred to, him watching movies and playing video games; anything about his routine other than these two things?

    After seeing both guys and telling your boyfriend about the guy you met in Chile, you moved to another city to think. If you would like to share further: what is your communication at this time, if any, with the two men, and what are you doing for the purpose of making the decision you need to make?

    * I will soon be away from the computer for about 17 hours. I hope other members will reply to you before I am back.

    anita

    October 16, 2018 at 6:38 pm #231389
    Mayra
    Participant

    Hello Anita, I’m trying to communicate as little as possible with both of them. I find it easier to reply to my ex boyfriend he just texts to see if I’m OK. The guy from Chile also writes to me every 2 or 3 days but he doesn’t know that I was seeing my ex, I just told him I was having a crisis and that I needed to be in silence. I want to be honest with both of them but I’m afraid. I’m starting taking therapy tomorrow since started to have anxiety attacks. I’ve written all that can be written in the matter to clear my head. But always end up in the same place. I don’t know what I want.

    October 16, 2018 at 6:44 pm #231391
    Mayra
    Participant

    Oh and about the routine, it’s more like things out of the most common things; going to the movies, working, having dinner, those kind of things. But outside of that like going dancing or deciding something spontaneous, even walking in the park or trying something new in our intimacy he’s always like “nah that’s not me”. Also it feels horrible that he is trying to be more open and spontaneous. But I already feel tired or mentally somewhere else. 🙁

    October 17, 2018 at 3:05 am #231441
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Dear Mayra,

    I think your ex,  no 1 will make you very unhappy,  but you have a very good chance of happiness with the guy you met in Chile. Ask yourself how you think you will feel in 5 years if you go with No 1. –  Miserable I think.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by HoneyBlossom.
    October 17, 2018 at 4:26 am #231465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mayra:

    You wrote that when you broke up with your long term boyfriend you felt relieved and you “reconnected with a part of me that I put to sleep during those years”. Then you wrote: “I don’t want to lose my ex ‘full of kindness’ but I don’t want to close the opportunity to see the other ‘full of adventures’ guy”.

    My input this morning: you had your mind set on marrying your long term boyfriend. You became emotionally attached to him and separation from him distresses you. On the other hand you want to live, to really live, explore, experience. The guy you were ready to marry doesn’t want to do that with you.

    At one point you will have to somewhat compromise when you choose a man to marry. In a perfect world you will have it all, a man who is “a very spontaneous,  liberal, chill, free spirit” with “a lot of things in common; reading habits, views on life” and “a really sweet and attentive guy, honest and humble”, and whatever else you need a husband/ partner for life to be.

    Because this is not a perfect world, we have to compromise in a way that we can be content enough, making the best out of the life that is available to us. Happiness is not and cannot be a permanent state of mind, a permanent experience no matter who we are with, no matter what.

    I think you are not at the stage in your life that you are ready to compromise or know what it is that you should compromise about. So it is not time to get married. What I would do if I was you, is attend that therapy you arranged for yourself, and I would consider cancelling any marriage plans, no longer live with any man, but instead, date to your heart content. Remain friends with your ex boyfriend, only friends, if that is okay with him (no contact if he prefers it that way) and date the other guy, get to know him and experience life.

    I hope you post again.

    anita

    October 17, 2018 at 9:00 pm #231615
    Mayra
    Participant

    Hello HoneyBlossom and Anita, thanks for your replies.

    This is something I need to work on; “we have to compromise in a way that we can be content enough, making the best out of the life that is available to us. Happiness is not and cannot be a permanent state of mind, a permanent experience no matter who we are with, no matter what.”

    I feel like I’m so reluctant to live the experience of relationship I observed from my parents and uncles, violent, toxic, manipulating and overall toxic. That I’m searching for something “perfect” and trying to control and plan everything about my future in one single day so I don’t get to live what I lived in my childhood, I’m scared to let go and scared to compromise bc I’m scared living the same traumatic episodes.

    Today I had my first therapy session and spend the whole day crying because of this realization.

    Today I don’t know what I want and it’s ok I guess, I can’t control everything.

    Thank you for reading.

    October 18, 2018 at 9:52 am #231695
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mayra:

    You are welcome.

    You expressed a concern in your original post about a marriage with your boyfriend being boring, not it being toxic. There is a difference. But yes, when we experience a toxic  marriage by proxy, be it our parents’ we do fear ending up in something like that. We don’t really know the alternative.

    I hope you make progress in therapy, understanding and feeling better because of better understanding, a clarity of mind. I hope you post again.

    anita

    October 19, 2018 at 5:03 pm #232067
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hi Mayra,

    Very good advice from Anita.

     

    I understand your fears related to not wanting to end up in a toxic marriage like your parents.

     

    I married very young as did my sisters (3).  I think that all of us were scared of ending up in a marriage like our parents,  and I chose a man who seemed unlike my father.   I believe that all of us were too fast to settle into marriage/long-term partnerships because we craved the love and stability which we didnt  have in the home we grew up in.  Not surprisingly,  of the 4 adult girls who married young,  only one of those marriages was to last.  The reasons my own marriage ended were different to the reasons my parents divorced after a long unhappy marriage.

     

    I was in my very early twenties when I married.  I did travel overseas, but with the man I married.  In hindsight,  I wish I had done as you have and travelled alone or with other female friends

     

    I have an adult son who has travelled widely – over a couple of years,  and Ive seen how this has benefitted him in many ways. He is very early 30s now,  and talking about a future abd marriage with his lovely partner.   This is not the same girl he was with at the beginning of his travelling who he had been with for a few years,  and a lot of people assuned they would marry.  To me,  these two (he and his current partner)  are perfect for each other.

     

    Ive seen the same with his friends and other people I have known.  They travel,  establish their careers, more travel,  and then they seem more at ease with themselves and have clarity about what they want and who is right for them.

     

    I recall that when he travelled, he met a few girls who were very keen,  one wanting to marry him.  In his case,  none of those lasted though friendships did.   He met his current partner back home after the travelling.  They have been to Japan together and planning a trip to USA.

     

    Personally,  I think that you will be glad if you defer commited long-term relationships for the time-being and focus on the other things,  especially travel,  therapy,  friends and work.

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by HoneyBlossom.
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