hi everyone

I am sorry its long but I am in desperate need for help. I dated my ex for 4 years. It was an on and off relationship. I love him very much. I had never felt a connection with anyone the way I felt with him. I know he felt the same way. We just matched. Some one my friends think we were too alike personally wise thats why we always crashed. He is gorgeous and very social and I always felt jealous and insecure in our relationship even though I was a model and I am a very good looking woman myself (I am not cocky at all! I am actually insecure).

Our relationship was always a struggle in a sense. There was always so many women all over him and guys all over me. but I NEVER EVER cheated or flirted or anything. He did. He was flirt and I couldn’t handle it and thats where most of our problems came from. He had also been married (he is 10 years older than me) and he had 3 kids which I adored and there was always fighting because I felt he didn’t see them enough/

Anyways, the relationship was always a mix of heaven and hell. When it was good it was too good. When it was bad it was worst. I got pregnant and we broke up again. We kept talking and seeing each other up until my son was 8 months. When i thought things would finally work, it would fall apart. My son is now 18 months and he hasn’t called for 6 months. He hasn’t seen our son in almost a year. He is dating a new woman and we have tons of friends on facebook so pictures always show. I also can’t stop looking at his facebook page and there are tons of pictures of them happily together. I am not a teenager. I am 28 years old. I know that this is self destructive behavior but I can’t stop. I literally cry every day. I hurt my son. He didn’t deserve this. He deserves a father. And I hate myself for not picking better and for believing that my ex was a better man then he is. For thinking that he would stick around with me when he didn’t with his ex wife and 3 kids. I believed him when he said she pushed him away and abused him and thats why he left. I believe in the best version of him. I believed in this idea that he was perfect and was just a victim.

But even with all this I still can’t let him go. I love him. And I hate myself for loving him. I feel like I am betraying my child for loving a man who abandoned him. its such an emotional struggle. I meditate. Have strong friends and family. But I can’t seem to get past this. I keep convincing myself that he is just angry or scared and that eventually he will come back and we will be a family. But then I see a new picture of him and his girlfriend and they look so happy. He looks like he doesn’t even remember he has a son. I don’t know what to do. I thought he was my should mate. The man I was going to grow old with. I knew the relationship wasn’t perfect but somehow I always believed one day we would figure it out.
No I did not get pregnant on purpose. I got pregnant while on birth control. It happened and although i contemplated an abortion. I couldn’t. It goes against my spiritual beliefs of incarnation and Buddhism. And I really wanted to keep our son too. I love my child. He is amazing. But some days I wonder if it was fair to him to bring him into this world and now he doesn’t have a dad.

I work full time as a marketing analyst, my days are long and my son spends his whole day with the nanny. He pretty much doesnt have a mom or a dad which breaks my heart and consumes my mind with guilt. I literally feel depressed and guilty for not being able to give my child the family he deserves. But I have to work to support him and to give him a good education and future.

Please help me. I don’t know what to do. I am crushed and I am jealous that this other woman is having everything I always dreamed of with him. Why couldn’t be this man with me and our child? Why couldn’t he give me and our son what he is giving her? Should I wait for him?