We were together for 6 and a half years. The last year was unhappy due to my anxiety and depression following two deaths. At the same time I was trying to complete a teacher training course ,get better , work and be happy for our relationship and pick myself up.  We were unhappy for a while and things weren’ the same.  He didn’t treat me the same . He broke up with me and never gave me reasons why just that we went happy and it wasn’t working aftwr we had a disgreement one night .

We remained friends for a year and got back together. He asked me to get back with him. We had been gettng closer and I was doing well and was happy. I had been on a date and he asked me to get back with him and said he had been feeling it for a while. We got back together and a few months later he moved in with me . My feelings were all over the place. One minute I was happy and the next unhappy. I kept battling within myself as to whether it was just my anxiety and nd negative thinking. He definetly didn’ give me the attention and affection I needed.  I felt that I had told him everything that makes me sad in the relationship but he didn’ make an effort to try improve that aspect. I ovcourse asked how I could improve he relationship and I hadn’ been given much feedback. I started to think back on the date I had the year before and if I had made the right choice getting back with him. A few negative things happened over the next few weeks , he called me my sisters name during drunk sex , then he was unhappy with a member of family that I’m close with and wanted to give hem into trouble which I didn’t agree with him doing so that was causing stress and nd hhe kept It going . I felt so stressed and nd out the potential conflict and told him how I felt and he said I was making a big deal of it but he hadn’ made up his mind yet as to whether he was going to say something. I started panicking and thinking more about breaking up. We had another disagreement and spoke about how much we disagree alot on different topics and I ended the relationship as I felt that the rest of our lives would be constant disagreements. He accepted it. I felt terrible as he had to move iin either his mum and get a new flat. He slept with someone a week after we broke up. I ended up going out for a few dates with the guy I had been on a date with the revious year before we got back together. I stated to regret my decision as I loved him so much. Stopped seeing the other guy. I asked my ex back and told him how I felt and that I wanted to get back and apologised for the ending the relationship and he said no for now but he wouldn’t say never. So for the last year we have stayed friends and slept together occasionally. With me hoping that we would get together some day.

This is all a mess and I constantly dwell and brat myself up for the decisions I much ale in every area of life and doubt myself when I and make decisions. I know that I’m not fully happy in a relationship with him but can’ help but love him qnd want to be with him .

II can’ stop thinking of the baby we lost and what could have been . I was excited to coparent with him and hopeful that maybe things could have worked out.  I would still have another baby to him even if it meant we werent together . But just now o feel like I’m experience grief of losing a baby and grief and heartache from losing a person . Because he has told me he does not want to get back together , I feel like I’m going through the emotions that I should have the previous year.

I feel that I’m weak now. I used to be so confident in myself and now I feel hopeless , sad and I hate myself and blame myself for everything .