Nico,

I’m very sorry you’re in such an emotionally difficult place, it saddens my heart to know my distant sister is full of despair. Don’t give up, I swear there is such remarkable beauty in this world that it’ll blow your socks off some day. It seems to be a conglomerate of ick going on, and a few things came to heart as I read your words.

I was raised in an environment that was also toxic, with a mom that was constantly shaming (or using me for her esteem “look at what my son can do” but never to me, just to her friends). My dad was loving, but I never saw him. My step-dad was distant and angry. Plus, we moved around a lot, so I didn’t establish any long term friends until later in life. This left me feeling broken and ashamed for a good portion of my life.

Eventually I got fed up with feeling shitty, and decided to figure out what in the world was going on with my mind and emotions. I saw plenty of others less smart, less successful in business, but they were waaay happier. This began a process of exploration that has been so incredibly amazing, it is not even able to be expressed in words.

What I found, more than any philosophy or therapeutical ideology, is that this world is bursting at the seams with loving people. We tend to attract our intent, so people who feel unworthy of human connection don’t seek a surrogate family… they can just sit and stew in the feeling of isolation. This is like being an outsider to the big party here on earth, but there is an open invitation. Sure, your parents are bleh at times, or most of the time. Maybe even all of the time, but their hearts have been wounded from the same process as yours. When we see a world of stress and danger, it can be difficult to remain warm inside.

That’s where the community comes in. Tinybuddha is one, and there are many of them on the net and in cities. People coming together to share their hearts, to show one another what genuine heartfelt support looks like. When we connect to one another, it dispels all that doubt which makes us feel as though we are unlovable, broken or without hope. We know we are loved even when we are struggling with difficult times. All we really need to get through is knowing that one person loves us unconditionally, and I know for a fact you have at least one of those. 🙂 I’m also sure others from tinybuddha will show you!

From there its really just about sorting through the pieces. What baggage have you been left with and how can you “unpack the backpack” so you’re not as weighed down? Healing takes time and effort, but there is sooo much joy along the way that the path fuels itself. We only need the courage to jump in.

Perhaps a breadcrumb that might help is “Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability” which is a 20 minute video that is googleable (is that a word?). Also consider that talking to a therapist might make the process easier.

With warmth,
Matt

Nico,

I am so very sorry that you are feeling so badly. After reading your post, two things stand out at me that I’m going to offer some advice on, short and sweet (Hope you don’t mind my direct style!).

1. It doesn’t seem healthy for you to be in a place where you are surrounded by abusive people, whether that’s your parents or anyone else. Get out. Move. You need to take care of yourself. Yes, I’m giving you permission to be a little selfish and practice some self-care (this term coined by life coach, Cheryl Richardson). But it just doesn’t seem like it’s healthy for you to be back in Hong Kong living with your parents, who you say are abusive in some way. I don’t know what your financial situation is, of course (I recognize you’ve lost a job…), but, if at all possible, I think you should try and leave there. You need your own space where you can begin to re-create a life for yourself – step by step, day by day…

2. This may be the more serious of the two. If you are truly feeling suicidal, please seek therapy. There is absolutely no shame in getting help by seeking therapy. Therapy is nothing more than two people sitting in a room talking through an issue. It provides a wonderfully objective and confidential place for you to discuss your deepest fears, sorrows, etc. I hope you will get help if you continue to feel suicidal…even if you’re not feeling that way, if you find that you’re in a continuously depressed state, I’d encourage you to get help.

Those are my two cents…It’s easy to feel hopeless, I know, when so many things feel like they’re going awry. But in addition to positive thinking, we must begin “positive doing”…and I offer the two steps above as a start in doing something to alter the course. And maybe it just comes down to changing one thing at a time….until that gets better. And then changing another thing until that gets better…and so on…sometimes we have to take life in baby steps.

And sometimes we have to create hope in baby steps as well..

~ Rachel