Hi Kyniska,

Having been through a similar period in my life, I can certainly empathize with what you are feeling. Change is hard because we often need to step out of our comfort zone and become a learner again and when we did something embarassing or missed an opportunity, the amount of self criticism that comes along can be paralyzing and by the time we take a second swing at it, we would have exhausted ourselves with negative thoughts. In other words, we were defeated in our minds before we even tried.

The thing about happiness is that it is not dependant on any single opportunity (unlike fairy tales, sadly) and for everyone that you’ve missed, there is another waiting for you in the future that might be better. If you look back at some experiences in your life, you can probably recognise points that were particularly difficult but without them, you would not possess the strengths you have today. When your negative self talk commence, try:

– Reframing it to something positive – For example, instead of thinking “why do I keep messing things up” consider “what I can do in the future to achieve success?”. It’s basically the same question except one is a lash on a past you can’t change whilst the other is solution focused and future orientated.

– Breath and be present – Instead of locking yourself in your mind, be present in your body and feel the breeze of the wind, the flavour of food and the warmth of the sun. When you are present, you tend to take more pleasure in the simple things in life and things like yoga and meditation really helps in this regard.

– Practice self compassion – When you are ripping into yourself in your mind, consider whether you would speak like this to a friend. If not, then you are probably going too far and should stop using one of the abovementioned techniques. Think of your mind as a garden and self doubt are like weeds that you need to take out as soon as you spot them.

Hope that helps.

Dear Kyniska,

Accept your mistakes and accept that losses might have been made. Most importantly believe that you don’t need to commit mistakes to know what makes you happy, and that you don’t need mistakes to define who you are. Believe that there will be a time where you will take heed before you commit anything, and you will be able to make the right choice.

Say it out loud till you can say it like you mean it and believe it:

I don’t need to make mistakes.
I would like to know what makes me happy.
I would like to choose happiness.

You don’t need to look objectively at yourself, that causes anxiety. Stop the observing and the judgments will soon stop. Then allow yourself to feel for things that actually make you feel good. Not what others tell you is good for you, or is right, or is best.

Take your time making decisions. Since you have being doing things against yourself, there is something in you that has lost trust on your own self. So recognize truth.

Say it out loud …

I would like to believe in truth.
I would like to trust myself.
I believe I can trust myself.

May relief come your way.

P.S You don’t have to say them with the I. For example, “Believe in trusting myself” “Can know what makes me happy” “Believe in not making mistakes”

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Nida.