Sorry that was really long. Whoops lol

This is very true. I’ll not do that comparison.

So any tips on how I can try to attend to his moodiness but not absorb it.

He is really sour sometimes and some of the things he does when I am trying to just be nice makes me get irritated and it escalates things.

Should I just leave him alone?

That’s what I did yesterday. I gave a valorous effort to see what was wrong with him. We bickered for a second and I swooped us up right out of that and de-escalated it. He came a little around later in the evening.

But this morning same moodiness I was talking to him. He clearly heard me and ignored me. I just looked at him got up and finished getting ready in the living room and came back in to tell him bye and he still was acting silly.

Thru messages now he seems ok. But you never know till you see him. So I guess I will find out in 4 hours.

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But I agree after this week of him working I am going to inquire on what is financial stressors are. What we have to do to be stable and start saving and what my expectations are of him as well financially.

He kind of disappointed me a little Anita. The fact that he put us in a financial strain like that. Even making me feel like he wouldn’t have his half of the rent knowing I don’t make enough money to pay his share of everything. When I am getting up every morning for 6 weeks going to work and your still in the bed. I would really wonder “what did he do all day?” Like you could have been doing Uber all this time. I just don’t know what he was thinking.

I felt like he kept saying and implying that money was low, but was doing nothing to help it.

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BIG AND SMALL Shar.

When I am act small. Examples of me being small (I may exhibit any 2 of these at anytime); When I act introverted. Homebody like. I don’t interact with other people. I am barely on my phone. Like hes basically my whole life.

When I know in my head. truthfully I am a extrovert, I am just depressed. I am the life of the party, 97.5% of people like me. I have my friends that I see often, I go out, I socially interact with people, I DO WHAT I WANT, I have male friends, I touch my phone OR NOT touch my phone whenever I want. If I want to get up at 12am and go to Jimmys house I do. If I want to go out with my girl friends & stay out till 3am I would do that.

He got to know me when I acted the least like who I was, ever in my life. Sometimes I wonder if he fell in love with that girl. and that’s why we conflict sometimes because when I do something out of that “small” frame he takes it like I am not being genuine.

But I don’t want to be who I am right now. I don’t like her. She’s boring and needs to get a life (all jokes aside).

I wont stay this way just because it makes him uncomfortable, because this isn’t who I am. I feel not myself.

But its been so long its hard to see I forget sometimes and then I see something like a old photo of myself and I just am like “hey! I liked her!!”

I don’t remember when the switch in my head flipped and I revolved my choices around him but I know it was before I was in a relationship with him though.

You are correct. I have to remember that. He is the most important person in my life and I choose him everyday but I have not COMMITTED my entire life to him yet and I shouldn’t feel bad for acknowledging that fact. That these are still try outs. He kind of makes me feel bad about that sometimes.

When we have conversations in the field of his expectations. I have to explain their are levels to this from meeting, to dating, to being in a committed relationship, to engaged, to living together, to marriage, to kids, to someone getting sick. All those possible different levels have a different set of commitments and expectations. You don’t treat your wife and mother of your children like the girl you are just dating and talking to and your don’t have the same expectations of the women who you are in relationship with like she is your wife when she is not. Why would there be levels if they all were the same…

The meetings are a good idea. Its just so hard to stay consistent with him.

But I also agree, that even though I do feel I disapprove of introvert Jenny Lynn its because I am her more than I’d like to be as of late. But I enjoy both just not feeling like to him I just need to stay what I was when I met him. Which was largely introverted BECAUSE  I was depressed.

So this depression. 🙁

I have probably been depressed for over 10 years. I didn’t even know what it was as a kid because my home life was so muted that I couldn’t even see it till I came to college. I would have these bouts of cyclic depression. about every 9-10 months usually around the end of the year I would just make poor choices I would just retreat or the opposite and do whatever. I would make rash decisions and just do literally whatever I wanted.

I feel like I may have been a little happy back then; so it didn’t last long the feelings and overwhelming thoughts after 2 ish months would let up I would come back to, look at what I was doing and get my life back together.

Back in 2015/16 it just took over me and It never let up; its been 2 years basically now. That’s what I was going thru when he met me. I went from being in the best shape of my LIFE to now I have gained almost 100lbs from me LOSING 80. (Which towers over me!! My feelings of disappointment in myself aren’t even explainable).

My energy levels plummeted, I won’t leave the house for days at a time if I don’t have to. From the time I get up every morning all I am thinking about is getting home and getting back in the bed…every..day.

It’s miserable really and I feel out of control of it at this point.

Best way I can describe it is: in real life, I have Arachnophobia (extreme fear of spiders). As logical of a person as I am, I know that crying when I see a tiny spider on my desk at work is irrational…but its what my brain knows. Its knows we don’t like spiders.

I almost feel like that.  I have done this for so long I don’t know where to being to condition my brain out of it…

Sometimes I feel like I dragged him down with me, because overall his life was pretty together when I met him.

I almost feel responsible for most of his problems.

Im getting a little emotional typing this because I do know I am responsible for my choices but I just idk, I have just lost touch.

Okay. Talk to you tomm! 🙂

Sometimes I feel like he cared for me so much that he let me start to influence his choices fairly quickly.

He used to work out everyday. He barely ate meat. He was in really good shape.

He seemed financially stable. Keeping in mind I didn’t know him very well so that just could have been my outward perception. But he always left me under the impression that money wasn’t a issue of his.

I feel like as he gained feeling for me he stopped doing the things he enjoyed like everything was about me. At the very same time I know he enjoys being with me. I have to say I noticed coupled with some slight distrusts in me I felt sometimes like he knew he had other things he could do but he would give that up because yes he wanted to be with me but he almost found it less stressful to know what I’m doing and disregard what he was doing generally before he met me. Then go do the thing and then wonder what or where I was…this was probably a little over a month into dating him.

Sometimes I felt like in order to “make me happy” he would spend amounts of money that now in hindsight he probably shouldn’t have.

Yes these were all his choices but I don’t know I sometimes feel responsible.

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Yeah my ability to not harp on the negative yet exist within it I guess is a assumed trait from my childhood. “Nobody likes a complainer”, especially when there is no change in motion. So to me why complain about something that I am not doing anything to actively change. Its annoying for me to even hear out loud as I say it so I am sure anyone listening would assume the same.

I don’t know; I hate being a downer. That’s just never been who I am; aside from my extreme want to do nothing more and more everyday. That’s not to say of course that I was never in a bad mood, just I am never the person to put myself in a position to be around others socially and be bitter becky. I would just stay home…to say the least I stay home a lot now. I don’t feel good enough mentally to exist with my friends and other people and offer the same energy as I used to; just fun and carefree.

I feel like a lot of people wouldn’t understand where my depression stems from or they don’t care and find my reasons to be a cop out or invalid or the many reasons why society brushes its shoulder at people with depression. Especially African Americans. Its just not taken as seriously. Which is more frustrating than anything; trying to convince people of what is clearly in front of their faces. I am clearly not ok.

At the same time I know EVERYTHING can be worse; that “someone always has it worse than you” mantra always plays in the back of my head while someone tries to understand how a person like me has most likely a more than just acute motions of life of depression. My boyfriend has even said “What do you have to stress about, I don’t get it” Not to say he dismisses it, but that was his first reaction.

So I mostly just don’t talk about it, even though many of my (daily) choices clearly reflect it. Sometimes I breakdown when I let it all in but in the end I feel like if I harped on it, it’d make me feel worse.

Yes, what you said makes sense. He tells me that its not my fault. He said in a round about of sorts basically yeah he gained 50lbs; because the women he loves happens to enjoy cooking and going out to eat and if she’s making cupcakes “I GUESS IM eating cupcakes” lol. He’s told me, even if he could go back he would do it again. That makes me feel better but I still hate to see him so down.

As I child it just always seemed like no one really cared about how I actually FELT. They concerned themselves about my WELLBEING , my “NEEDS” and sustenance of my life.

My feelings were easily hurt. In hindsight though typing this now the thought actually comes into my head that maybe It wasn’t that my feelings were hurt so easily as much as people never really cared about how they spoke to me or what they said about me.

I used to cry a lot as a child (7-14). Pretty close to hysterically I used to get stress nose bleeds as a younger child when I would cry, it was a lot.

Nobody has really ever asked me that before but even trying to remember to answer you I have this memory of being a child laying on a couch crying  and as an adult now I can in a sort still refeel that moment…I don’t kno those feelings felt like yes someone must have hurt my feelings or done something but more so I wanted someone to acknowledge me crying…so I would keep crying. The idea that no one cared that I was crying made me cry more, made me sadder. I remember getting up after some time. and the entire pillow I was crying on was covered in blood and my nose was gushing blood…NOW she (my mom) cared..

Even my family there was a moment I just felt like they DO NOT CARE how what they did, or what they just said makes me feel.

I was for lack of a better word; CRY-shamed. I stopped expressing my emotions basically at that point.

I used to take so much pride in not crying. Now as an adult I know that’s really nothing to feel good about or not.

When I was 14 my mom went to prison. I was in a pretty emotionally hostile living situation after that. I remember from that time till I graduated being pretty miserable and not really being able to do anything about it.

When I graduated I moved 4 hours away to college, I didn’t know a single person here, and I just left. I’ve been slowly growing apart from really everyone in my family. I see them holidays. We barely talk, but the thing about it is, I know they don’t care.

For most of my life I felt like a burden. I just feel like people/family really only cared about if I had what I needed to live and survive; because my mom wasn’t always doing what she should have, but even her included that was the priority.. no one actually ever really cared if I was happy, or how I was feeling, no one inquired.

So I guess I had to stop caring about being happy because as a child no one cared about it either. To me happiness is not an noun its more like a adjective. When it comes to childrens happiness, I feel like in a wayits a learned behavior. Its a learned set of skills and coping mechanism down to seeing the best out of a situation to working hard at what you love.

Its weird because my brother had that; he had a extension of our family that gave him that stability.

But I just don’t feel it. I never got it, I’ve never felt that feeling of real happiness.