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HELP Am I in a relationship but still in love with my ex? Cant figure it out!

HomeForumsRelationshipsHELP Am I in a relationship but still in love with my ex? Cant figure it out!

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Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 290 total)
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  • #180047
    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    I mean; it seems like I am the person who always has to prompt for the resolution to things. Otherwise it will just go un-discussed and fester.

    We did have a discussion last night and I told him what needed to happen and asked him what he was going to do about it. “because if you have no intentions of changing there’s no point in starting this with; Do you want to be with me?..unless you can absorb what I am saying and address these issues I wouldn’t want to stay.”

    He told me that “I think I get mad so easily because I do depend on you so much..even though I can do whatever it may be without you, I don’t want to and sometimes you disappoint me. But I need to work on telling you instead of assuming you can read my mind. I want to give it one more shot… and my temper? I AM going to work on my attitude because it really doesn’t be your fault, seriously and I’m sorry.”

    I explained the concept of him seeking out problems where there are none. Like me and you talked about “Why would I PURPOSELY ignore you…aside from all the specs.. just in general WHY?… exactly! there is no logical reason you can think of. When I respond to you is the next available time I pick my phone up over ANY other communication in my phone. This idea that my phone is always in my hand has to end. I’m over arguing about these phones.

    I also limited him to one argument a week. So he can learn how to scale and separate what is really a issue worth talking about and just not sweating the small stuff. Take a look at the issue and think is this a big enough issue that I going to use my one attitude a week certificate for it. & honestly if you have to think about it for longer than a few second it probably isn’t.

    I was like “seriously the arguing has to stop. I cant handle it; so coming from me, if I decide ending this is the best thing it will be because I did not see the effort from you into changing the way you handle me when you get frustrated.”

    We hugged, kissed.. he went and got me chick fila and we had really really great sex that felt connective for the first time in a while. Which was needed cuz that was kind of lacking thru the limbo phase a little.

    #180049
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Jenny Lynn:

    I  hope it works out, that he will take this opportunity to do his part to correct the relationship and make  it a win-win. Even one argument is one  too many but  I like your weekly certificate policy. You have lots  of good ideas, this  is one of them.

    I hope you return to your thread and  update me on how this  is working, or not. I hope it will. He  will still have the  tendency to find insult where there is  none. I don’t know how he  will manage  it, how he will avoid doing the tit-for-tat, passive aggressive thing, the retaliation. That has  been his  habits and habits are hard to change, even with the good logic you presented to him.

    If this talk you had helped for a while  at the  least, repeat it, have talks regularly, so to remind  him and for him to remember and correct.

    anita

    #180051
    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Yea me too. I know it will take time and patience. Its not just going to be a complete 180 in a day. But I need to see the EFFORT; if I see the effort it will be more tolerable as it comes and goes because as you said it is a habit that needs to be broke but that’s hard.

    If not then I guess it will be me breaking the habit…which is him; and staying with him even though the energy I’m around is draining me.

    OH! I’ll definitely be back to give you an update! And to probably get some more advice cuz my life still is a mess soooo haha. 🙂

    #180063
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenny Lynn:

    He breaks his habit or you break the habit which is him- one of the things  you say that are worthy to be quoted. Brilliant.

    Breaking his habit, I think, will require ongoing talks. It  will take him telling you next time he feels insulted, tell you what offended him in your behavior, asking  or checking if there  is basis in reality to his feeling. When he corrects  his thinking, his anger will lose its energy and he will not tit-for-tat.

    Until next  time he feels offended… and  then,  he should again ask you if you meant to offend him, to ignore him, to treat others better, etc. etc. … Eventually, maybe he  will be able to correct  his thinking without bringing it up to you.

    Without ongoing talks, he  is likely to  fall  back to the same  old  same  old.

    anita

    #180069
    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    “one of the things  you say that are worthy to be quoted. Brilliant.”

    Thank you Thank you 🙂

    And as you clearly know by now I am a talker. So I think I will have no problem with that now especially because everything is out in the open about how I feel.

    I even told him about another thing that made living with him irritating to, such as the clutter. Is the fact that I never envisioned myself living with a man and paying half the bills. To each is own and that’s just not what I want from the person I am with. But I swallowed that expectation and ignored it.

    Then here we are now and these are things you carry with you ya know. Innately you just feel like your without something that you want. He said he would slowly start encompassing more of our bills so I can focus on our house hold. If you are a man and I am a women and we live together; we are going to have a LIFE together not this roommate 50/50 whatever crap that’s going on here.

    I used to complain about how much I spent on groceries or not being as proactive about replacing household items and stuff promptly because like I told him once you do that 50/50 thing everything kind of becomes that way. It complicates things. Like who buys what for our mutual items. But if you provide the bill money (or more than now) I would never say anything about what I spend on our food. I would even pay the bills with leisure because another thing was; I always have to remind him about bills….but we pay 50/50 so if something is late you should feel just as responsible for knowing as me not wait for me to ask for $52.50 for the electric bill ya kno. As well I wouldn’t have to think about how much money I have and don’t have as much. I wouldn’t feel the need to second guess buying things I know we need.

    Yet in the deduced version of it all in my head I never wanted to be living with a man that didn’t take care of our household financially. If I have it under control esthetically. In a time before now, i felt if a man wants me to be living with him he needs to be able to afford it otherwise I shouldn’t be living here. I shouldn’t be struggling emotionally, physically, but ESPECIALLY financially living in a home with a grown man. We aren’t doing without anything but Im sure you get my point.

    #180077
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenny Lynn:

    Talking about money, it  reminds me that you shared that John was cheap- I remember it  distinctly. And I remember that you shared that your family way was to  throw money at everything- instead of giving you personal, positive attention, correct? Don’t know if these things are connected.

    The clutter is his thing, right? You should get a serious discount from rent/ bills for that, is  my position. Unless he  fixes the clutter daily.

    If you do  intend to live with him, regular talks and  regular business meetings are  necessary, says  I. A regular time  every month to discuss money.

    Will you remind  me  what you do like about Glenn?

    anita

    #180079
    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Yes John was cheap. I may not have clarified enough though that he wasn’t cheap for me. His everyday natural habits were cheap though, what he chose to do for himself and such. But he always made sure I had whatever I wanted.

    I don’t know about connected that way specifically, but that is something that is instilled in me through my family though. That is how the men in my life have always been. If you were a man present in my life uncle, grandfather, step dad. You took care of the woman in your life; me, my mom, my grandmother, my aunt without question.

    & Yes he is the cause of the clutter. I don’t think he realized how stuff like that can just affect your overall mood. If your surroundings are dysfunctional…then what are you? lol

    Yea the regular healthy communication is a necessity.

    But I love everything about him really (other than things that ricochet from his temper)

    I love his smile, his laugh, his sense of humor, I love that he can listen to me ramble about nothing, I love his sense of style, I love the way he drives, I love his goals, I love that what we want in the future; where we want to live how much money we want to live “comfortably” align, I love how considerate he is, I love his personal habits (how he showers, folds his clothes, color codes his shirts lo) , I love how confident he is, I love how he looks, I love how smart he is, I love how interested he is in the things he envisions for his future (investments, business, finances) I love his hair, I love how in shape he is, I love how he makes up for how lazy I am, I love his ‘natural’ eating habits, I love that we relax the same, I love that we have the same guilty pleasures, I love that my bad habits don’t bother him, I love that he wants to take care of me (even if financially speaking that will be in the future), I love that he is original, not a stereotype, I love watching him listen to people teach him things (I know that’s random, lol his listening face is just so cute), I love how he cleans and doesn’t just think that’s my job, I love how strong he is, I love that he gets along with my family on a surface level, I love that even though I may not have my hair done, makeup done, maybe a extra few pounds on me; I love how I know he loves me however……even if I don’t.

    I just went on a roll typing so that’s all I got off the top of my head lol

    #180081
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenny Lynn:

    That was a lot of liking. You  “love his goals”- I hope one  important goal for him would be to work on his issues as we discussed. “his personal habits” not  including the  clutter and  his tit-for-tat. “how considerate he is”- unless he does the   tit-for-tat, not considerate! “I  love how confident he is”- in  some areas, I  suppose.

    Well  you were  rolling with  the likes,  so  I see  that you do  like him a whole lot.

    anita

    #180083
    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Yea exactly, its those things that stem from his little stupid attitude that ruin the series lol

    His goals, yea. Hopefully I am one of his goals.

    Tit for Tat yes HAS TO GO lol. The clutter tho; as much as it irritates me that’s the only thing I really feel like he had no clue bothered me. I dont think it was on purpose, he said Saturday he was going to put all that stuff in the storage when he gets off work so I can get some order in the house.

    Considerate of my feelings all the time NO he isn’t. But considerate like getting up to get me something to drink, If I dont feel good, on my period, need a back rub, giving me lunch money, driving me to places when I dont want to drive even if its just somewhere I need/want to go, on many occasions getting up out of the bed and going back out AND not making me go (lol)  just to get me food if I’m hungry (cuz he knows my ass will starve I dont care lol so that’s really special to me for some reason) even small stuff like not being loud when he gets ready in the mornings, coming back in to tell me bye, making sure the fan is on at night cuz he knows I like the noise.

    When I say confident I mean in his abilities. I’m a highly self-conscious person too. So that’s probably the thing about him I entertain the least because I understand how that effects people.

    #180089
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenny Lynn:

    You are very sensible, make a lot  of sense. I think  he  is fortunate to have you in his life. I hope he knows or gets to understand how fortunate he is.

    Be back in about sixteen hours.

    anita

    #180203
    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    I think  he  is fortunate to have you in his life.

    Thank you I appreciate that a lot.

    Its good to know I am not completely illogical. 🙂

    #180207
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jenny Lynn:

    Considering how common illogical is, you are a very uncommon specimen.

    anita

    #191109
    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Hey! Hey! 🙂

    Me and Glens Anniversary was Sunday so I thought about you and wanted to chat.

    Things have been going well. A few arguments here and there but nothing huge.

    He’s reduced his level of dramatics and I have increased my understanding of them so that helps balance it out. I think when I would give off this vibe like “What your feelings is silly” that would escalate things. So basically I take how he feels more seriously even if I don’t agree.

    He apologies for his actions now….we are still working on WORDS though.

    We have been good lately really been connecting. I’ve been really focusing on my relationship with him without other distractions. I see some of the things he used to kind of say because I wanted to kind of put him as my priority. He used to tell me like “Oh you tell people other things before you tell me” or “You call other people when your at work etc.”

    I’ve been involving him more in my day because he his who I want to tell and I guess telling my best friend kind of used to make me forget to tell him you know. So when something happened at work I would call him like “Babe guess what happened” or “remember what we talked about this just happened” I can tell that it really does make him feel good.

    Thanksgiving we went to my family’s house and Christmas we went to his moms. That was the first time I really met her. His step dad and brother were also there and I ended up cooking dinner for him and his brother that day. He invited me to his brothers basketball game which was nice. I reallllly didn’t want to go because it was cold and I didn’t feel good. But he asked 🙂 so I couldn’t say no. I think his mom likes me pretty well.

    AND guess what?!!! We went to Dinner the night of our Anniversary and FRIGGIN LEO worked at the restaurant we were at! Oh my goodness! I’m sure you can only imagine my face. OH! and Glens face too considering even though he wasn’t our server it just so happened that he brought the food to our table looking me straight in the face. To say the least it was unexpected

    #191187
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Jenny Lynn:

    So good to have  you back! You made my morning  better.

    More than two months ago is when we  last communicated, last year. Your update is uplifting, very positive, promising, and  I  am impressed with you. I was  impressed before and am impressed again. Your efforts in this relationship, your sensibility is working  for you and for Glenn. As I just wrote, you made my morning!

    You have been helping him feel better, accommodating  him without hurting yourself and he is responding well. I am not surprised his mother (or any person) likes you.

    anita

    #191207
    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Yeah things overall have been better will me tending to him more.

    I think what I really need is to get a handle on not letting how he is feelings get to me and alter my mood too.

    Like his mood lately aside from everything I just said has been reallllllly wearing on my nerves.

    Because at the same time I understand his frustrations. Its always annoying when someone complains about a situation they could have avoided if theyd just done more.

Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 290 total)

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