double post..

I thought I knew what I wanted. That how I got here.

I had convinced myself of what I needed and further more what I was okay with in regards to “A” relationship.

I thought I was down for whatever.

Everything was going to work out and if it didnt I would get over it.

All the preconceived notions I made about what I want like from my ex for example; are the baby versions of what Glen did to me except I was also in a home with him so it was 1000X different and more escalated. You know the , talk to me, pay more attention to me, text me back faster, text me when you wake up, tell me you love me more, your mood was weird today, doesnt seem like you want me around, I dont see any problems with cohabitation, Im not defensive, I’m not nagging, I’m not asking for too much….

I thought living together, personal space outside the relationship, communication and responses…i thought I had it all figured out…which is why my partners didnt fulfill me. Because they SHOULDNT I needed to fulfill me and then whatever they came with would be a addition I decide to accept or decline…It shouldnt have been like that

I thought I had it all figured out. almost as if I wanted someone obsessed with me….

But I now see that what I thought I wanted comes at a price sometimes depending on who you deal with.

I have learned a lot. I am definitely a better person for this…even though I am the worst version of myself to DATE!…However what I understand about myself now…what I know about myself and self worth now…I would probably not gotten here without this experience. I most likely would have continued to put pressures on my relationships after and who knows what mess I would have ended up in while realizing yearsss later that this actually isnt what I wanted.

At the end of the day I thought I wanted something that I completely was not ready for or stable enough for….

Yeah this is true. He was a mean person who did nice things (sometimes).

I may make mistakes but I am a kind person. Kind as in VERB to be kind to be continuously and consistently kind to people and people in my life.

He was nice like a noun to bestow me with a gift of niceness and remove it whenever as well.

Kindness rarely waivers. That’s what supported this whole situation honestly.

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And to the deception question….lets change avenues because I am honestly so tired of talking about Glen ….we need to talk about John, Leo, and Hunt. They were the only ones that were left on my list.

Even though I have no plans on reaching out to any of them just yet…I find myself in thought to distract myself from Glen.

Its funny that as this is happening my friends tell me that they can see me with/ I should be with John..again…instead of giving Leo a chance. Even with what you know which you can scale up and down because some people know more and some know less about all the specific people involved..that is really shocking to me. As well nobody pays Hunt any mind…

So to humor me and to distract me; I will use this for my future reference…what are your points of view?

Yeah that is true. I wanted it to be so black and white so that the decision would be easier.

But it was very grey to me which is why making the decision caused me so much distress.
——–

And yes. John is the headliner on this post.

But sometimes I find myself feeling like I always choose the wrong person over Leo…even in this instance. I feel like we never had a real shot ya know.

Hunt, I hesitate because I think sometimes that he may know too much. He may not be able to look past what he knows I have been into the past 3-4 years. Its okay when we see each other every once in a while but I dont know if he would look past it. I have the least invested in him emotionally.

I agree. Thats a good point I was overly analyzing like there is some timeline in which I have to be on when it comes to living MYY life again.

I do understand what you are saying though about seeing things for what they are, the situations, the factors, and the people.

Believe what people show me and make a decision about if they deserve to be in MY life.

If not, let them go.

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Leo is probably pretty mad at me soooooo. Idk how that will go but I’d probably will have to slowly coax him out of how I probably made him feel due to what was already happening with me and Glen. I was already under his spell. Woops.

John…I dont know what his reaction would be. Hopefully he would miss me as much as I missed him.

Hunt may frustrate me sometimes but I know everything with him is always calm and casual. He doesn’t stress me.

Yeah that makes sense.

Hunt just operates on his own time. It’s not like he is necessarily late or not punctual. He just prioritizes himself and his convenience first. He does have a kinda busy life (I used to not understand that).

I respect it really. But it still annoys me.

Hey Anita. Long time no talk. 🙂