Thanks Anita!

Yes we are still living together. He is sleeping on the couch, staying out of the house a lot. Almost like before when I had asked him to move out and he was working all those hours.

I think I am going to go stay with my mom for a while. Our Lessor said we can leave on the 31st (instead of the 14th of april) I asked him about that before we fell out and he wasn’t that into it but now. If he hasn’t spoke to me by tomm I am probably going to tell him I am leaving on the 31st and he can pay the rent for the 2 weeks in april if he really needs that time to make more money to move.

I didn’t want it to be temporary…but I also need a unpressured genuine apology….as the days go by more and more I don’t feel like I am going to get that.

I just feel like I worked way too fucking hard to keep our relationship together in all terms of our conflicts 90% of the time. I run the ball back every time. We had said numerous times in the past that, I mean if it wasn’t for me…we would have already broke up. I.E. waiting on him to do something more just usually doesn’t happen.

That is not to say I have never gotten an apology from him. But very few far in between and furthermore one that I didn’t have to coax out of him with conversations, talks of the incident prompted by me, or just expelling a energy I’m open to accepting your apology .

This time I just washed my hands with it. I speak through the house and say hello or whatever. I’m not walking around brooding or anything. But I have to just keep telling myself….IF HE WANTED YOU HE WOULD COME GET YOU. PERIOD.

I just keep repeating it to myself every time I get closer to making a move towards the above actions.

He is wrong and I am due an apology. If I just brushed passed this 1. it would only continue to escalate, 2. let him think he can just talk to me any way he wants to and 3. I would be the retarded idiot he says I am to come back and act like this isnt a HUGE deal to me.

I have stuck my neck out for our relationship a million times….for me to get brushed away, for him to say he’s still annoyed and not talk to me, or ignore me for days and I still talk to him and be nice to him till he comes around. I have been denied by him in my efforts to resolve situations he wasn’t ready to yet. I kept trying..because I love him and I want him.

I deserve that too. No one wants someone who just is around because its easy. No one wants someone who can just do with or without them at the drop of a hat. So I just have to keep telling myself if he wanted me…he would have me. 

I do however feel a way that even if he is okay with not being together anymore…how can he not apologize for what he said. I am STILL due a apology whether this relationship continues or not. Otherwise it wouldnt be cordial between us to say the least after. I know he is stubborn and stubborn people rationalize things weird in their heads. But the other day I was in my feelings and he asked when I walked in if I was ok. I said “no” put my purse down walked in the bathroom and turned the water on and started crying and then went in my room and got in the bed..mind you this is 5pm but I do have really nice blackout curtains. He comes in probably a hour later and says “Are you sure you dont want to talk about it” I said “no” I have tossled with this thought since then. Basically asking myself what exactly I was saying no to in that moment.

But I concluded that to me, he knows I am not ok because I stated it. He knows why I am sad (us) if it is some alternate thing making me upset (we aren’t talking so why are you asking me). So to me its like asking the person your broken up with and still don’t want to be with to talk about their “feelings” ..WHY? What do we have to discuss. I have friends who I can tell the unchanging idea that my relationship is over. I don’t need to express that to you. So unless you are coming to me with new information, (I.E) HE does not like the break up, fact that we arent talking, fact that he should apologize..he should put himself in the position to do it.

Don’t ask me “do I want to talk” about the thing that we both caused that isnt changing.

Like oh yeah; lets talk about water levels rising….oh okay…what have they risen too? Oh theyre the same lets just talk about them being the same though….NOOOOO! No one is doing that!!

If its over its over and me crying to him isnt going to change that make it better or make me feel better. So yeah. I waited the week to see if he would come around before not including him in my decision to tell my mom I am going to come there.

I dont know what to do or say. I am really at a loss 🙁

Yeah its like why are you talking to me about all this random stuff that doesn’t matter. There’s only about 3 subjects I will give my time too and none of the sentences he has decided to say to me are one.

I don’t have any reservations about his past behaviors in regards to moving though.

If he ask my plans I will tell him otherwise its really none of his business. Even more so I may pay the extra $100 or so in april and still leave; because if these weeks continue to go by and we arent talking..I mean in 3 weeks I dont owe you an explanation to anything. So in that regard we would just go our separate ways. If we start talking over the days to come on a more amicable terms. Like he apologies and we still break up of course he knows I will be leaving. So with the moving thats all to be played by ear. But I don’t really have any worries towards it.

Bad…

I love him, I do. It deeply saddens me for numerous reasons.

The feeling of being without him…I don’t know if just right now.. I still don’t know any better?. But to think about never seeing him again or something just kills me, I tear up typing it.

But what can I do?…I may be who I am and feel how I feel about things but I can’t be in a position where someone acts that way AND has no remorse or accountability. On the list of things I have planned for the next 50 years…cleaning up my feelings and actions ALONG WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S because they don’t accept accountability for the things they do is too much. Its too much emotional weight for someone in the mental state I am in especially right now.

But not really; I don’t feel the relief yet. I usually do which is strange. I know the feeling your describing.

But I wanted this with him. I just wanted it to be good. Even though sometimes I feel like we set ourselves up to fail. I didn’t plan to have to do this with someone else again.

Behind every man we date there are 2 men behind him..one who is going to treat you better and one who will treat you worse. There are so many options and I know that I can find better…But I just..I wanted him.

Its hard still living there, that is taking a emotional toll on me in general.

Because I KNOW I could have resolved this by now…selfsooth the whole 9….but I’m just not going to do that this time. So to be in the space of the person you love and not being able to talk to them and interact with him. It a lot.

Yeah I guess I need to gain acceptance. Which is why the living together thing needs to end as soon as financially possible. I don’t think I can get over it till I leave.

I have many options for that as well…

Move to my moms indefinitely

Move to my moms for 9 months take a 3 month break then work part time for 6 and then move back to where I live now or somewhere else.

Stay in the city I live and keep doing what I have been except worried about myself and make a plan to go back to school in AUG

Then hopefully the break of 2/3 options would provide me some insight as to what to do next. Maybe go back and get my masters or doctorate.

I don’t know what to do next, where to go next…

Yeah but I don’t have anywhere to really go right now other than a couch. I guess I have to decide the degree of discomfort I’m willing to tolerate over the next 2-4 weeks. Because yes I can go to my mothers. But it isn’t like I’d be going back to my old childhood room. That’s a complicated situation too. My mom lives in a 1bedroom. She’s really annoying and I just don’t know which is more intolerable right now.