Dear kiwiboy0897:

“how do you suggest I conquer this fear?”

1. You started your thread this way: “I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. Our relationship has been nothing but perfect.. he is everything I ever hoped for in a man”. Most recently you wrote: “I was proud about my relationship and never expected anything like this to happen, and because my partner told Steve”-

– we people often idealize the person we are in love with, that’s pretty much in the definition of in-love, and in the nature of romantic-love. We put up the person on a pedestal, like he or she is god, all good, all loving, all .. everything, perfect! And then, we realize that person is not perfect after all and many fall-out-of-love at that point, or after a period of struggling.

Your partner reads like a wonderful person from all that you shared about him, better not give up on him! But like anyone else he is not perfect. He can’t be everything you ever hoped for in a man (quote above), no person in the whole wide world can possibly be everything you ever hoped for. No one can behave at all times in the exact ways that will make you feel pleased and content, no worries. Especially with those embers lying underneath and ready to catch fire at any time!

So first thing to do is to understand this concept that I detailed here, and be willing to see him as the wonderful yet imperfect man, who will sometimes say and do something that you will not like. Just as you will say and do something that he will not like. As long as it is not a major transgression (ex., violence, sexual affair), then become willing to accept that your partner cannot read your mind at all time and live his life so to accommodate all those thought, hopes and wants, so to make you feel calm in regard to him on a regular basis.

2. “the thought of my partner simply even being friends with Steve scares me.. I can’t shake the fear.. the thought still scares me”- notice that you wrote twice (in the previous page and here) that it is the thought that scares you. Back to the embers comparison I made to your original fear? Same as the comparison to an itch I made earlier: the embers are there, capable of catching fire at any time, the fire is the distress that you feel, similar to an itch, something unpleasant that you need to free yourself from. What causes the embers to catch fire is either an image or a thought in your brain, for example, having an image of your partner and Steve in your brain, or a thought of Steve. That image/ thought triggers the embers and fire/ itch results. What happens next is more images and thoughts are added to the fire and the fire is roaring for a long time.

This is how OCD works- there is an underlying fear, the original fear I referred to (added to fear in general as we are all born with fear in us), then over time, a collection of thoughts that trigger this fear come about, and trigger those embers, a fire takes place, that fire is acute distress that we want to stop feeling, so we do the exact opposite of what we need to do, we add even more thoughts as we try to solve whatever problem we think we have. We are compelled to think more, and to do something about it (ex., to ask your partner).

Key is to stop adding fuel (thoughts) to the fire, to resist the compulsion to think more. Without additional fuel, the fire will die down. Ways to stop the thinking: distract yourself with exercise, or a hot/ cold shower or a guided meditation, or one of the mindfulness practices (there are books about it, magazines, probably blogs about it on the main page of this website). Take a time out from thinking.

3. To lower that original fear, go back to the short post where you told me about your childhood, and retell it in a different way, the emotional way, best you can. What happens to a child who is afraid often, witnessing aggression/ violence in the home, is that the child disassociates, numbs out his emotions, so to not feel fear so intensely. Later on, as you look back, you see what happens, in your mind’s eye, in a way that is empty of emotions, which is very much not how it felt then, when it was happening.

So, when you are relaxed, maybe so tired that you are also relaxed, sit in front of the computer, or have a pen and paper in front of you and type away: imagine you are the child that you were, lying in bed, and you hear screaming from the next room where your parents are. Don’t worry about writing perfectly, grammatically correct, neatly, accurately, don’t bother with the details, just the sounds that you hear, how your body feels, relax and type away as if you are now the child that you were there and then.

anita

Dear kiwiboy0897:

Your words of appreciation made my day, what you wrote means a lot to me. Thank you!

“He is a very wonderful person”- and so are you. What a beautiful way to say it: “his imperfection makes him perfect to me.. I am satisfied and content with who he is”. He is a fortunate man.

Regarding the relationship between thoughts and anxiety, it is a very close relationship, as thoughts are the spark that ignite the embers, and more thoughts are added fuel to the fire. When we feel anxious, our tendency is to think, it is as if we take an elevator up to our heads and quarantine ourselves in a thinking chamber. What we need to do is take that elevator down from our heads to our bodies, do some exercise, slow yoga is an excellent way to keep our focus in our bodies.

Of course we can’t not think for too long, this is where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) exercises come handy: challenging our thoughts: are they accurate or are they distorted, and if they are distorted, then we correct them. For example, “I admire Steve’s ambition” does not equal “I am falling in love with Steve’s personality”. You can find CBT exercises online. My introduction to CBT was the book CBT for Dummies which included exercises in it (or in a workbook that goes with it, I don’t remember).

Take your time regarding the exercise. You can postpone it until such time when you feel relaxed enough and comfortable doing it, and post before you do this exercise.

You are welcome and I am glad to be communicating with you. Keep yourself as safe as possible.

anita

Dear kiwiboy0897:

You are a good writer, you write well. But for the purpose of the exercise I suggested, you are too good of a writer. I need you to write like a four year speaks. A four year old will not use words like: “I was poised in bed.. in a state of bliss” etc. A young child doesn’t have this vocabulary.

When I suggested the exercise I didn’t specify the above to you (I don’t think I did), but it is clear to me now that it needs be in the words of a four year old.

You wrote: “I could hear my brother, yelling.. the sounds of metal things being thrown.. I was worried, but I still felt safe”- I don’t think that it is possible for a child woken in the middle of the night hearing such sounds to feel safe, worried but safe, even if his older sister is there with him.

“I was at home, and nothing can ever hurt me at home”- a child hearing what you described would worry that his mother will get hurt, or his brother.. someone out there were the sounds were being made.

What you described is an account that is heavily edited by the adult- you. If you want, you can try to redo the exercise- don’t try to tell it well, don’t worry about the quality of your writing and keep your vocabulary limited. Type a word, then pause to get a feeling, type something that comes to mind or heart, don’t worry about logic consistency.

Another point: what you remember as the events of one night, is probably a combination of memories from different nights or days, maybe months and years apart, all combined into a one event memory- it is the nature of our adult memory regarding our long ago early childhood. So don’t worry about accuracy of the events themselves. I am interested in your emotional experience as a child, not much in the details of the events.

anita

Dear kiwiboy0897:

I don’t see anything alarming in what you shared here, nothing concerning. He told you about the lunch, he asked you if you want to join him.. nothing wrong here.

Thank you for your good wishes. I hope you are as safe as can be. I am pretty safe, living outside the city limit, in the woods, very few neighbors, don’t have to try hard socially distancing.

anita

Thank you, kiwiboy0897, continue to be as safe as possible. I am looking forward to read from you again.. and again.

anita

Dear kiwiboy0897:

Emotional cheating is ongoing flirting, beyond a moment of flirting (everyone is impulsive at times, so a flirting comment might just come out of our mouths, or a flirting look happen before we know it, so this is not emotional cheating). Emotional cheating would be then repeatedly flirting with someone using flirtatious, suggestive words, as well as looks, smiles and such.

Anything beyond flirting, that is, sending naked photos/ videos, having telephone or cybersex, that is hard core emotional/ sexual cheating.

Meeting someone of the sex we are attracted to, behind our partner’s back, without our partner’s knowledge, talking with that person about our partner in ways we wouldn’t talk if our partner was there, that is emotional cheating as well.

That’s what comes to my mind at this point. I will be back to the computer in less than a couple of hours.

anita

Dear kiwiboy0897:

You are welcome. One incident of a person telling another something like: I-have-feelings-for-you, just one time, and then regretting it and correcting it: not repeating such words, or words to that effect, (and if the partner knows about it, then sincerely apologizing to the partner and taking some sincere action so to make amends to the partner)-> altogether, it is not emotional cheating.

Like I said earlier, everyone is impulsive from time to time, especially when tired or excited, even forgetting for a moment one is in a relationship ..  for a moment.

anita