Dear kiwiboy0897:

I think that I understand: by “Steve has been completely cut off”, it was not that he was completely cut off, but any and all communication beyond the minimal friendly interactions within the gym were cut off. It makes sense that because your partner does not own the gym, he doesn’t have any possible way to ban Steve from the gym, and it makes sense that for as long as the two of them attend the gym, they should to be minimally friendly, so that it is not awkward and doesn’t disturb the positive atmosphere required in a gym.

So by “Steve.. no longer come to the gym”- it was not that he was asked not to return to the gym, or that he said that he will not, but it just happens that he didn’t show up for two weeks.

Reads to me that you love your partner very much and that he loves you back. I suggest that you keep the honest communication with him going, and when you feel anxious, insecure, don’t always express it, so to not burden him with your anxiety again and again. Share it with him at times, in moderation.

Also, present your anxiety, worries, etc., in a responsible way, that is, not in a whiny way or a desperate way, but in a confident way, for example, telling him in a confident voice: I love you so much, sometimes I’m afraid to lose you. And don’t interrogate him as if he was a suspect either. (It is not that I think you have done these things, I am suggesting these things just in case they are or will become applicable).

One more thing: when worried, look for the facts, restate reality, instead of being carried away with your imagination- don’t be carried away by Fiction, stick to the True-story, the facts. And post again anytime you want to.

anita

Dear kwiboy0897:

The fact that “he wants us to be financially secure and stable” means he is thinking of you very long term, and I like it that he does.

“I ask my partner about Steve’s attraction to him. When I do, he always says ‘how many times do I have to show/ tell you that I don’t want him. I want you”- don’t ask him anymore.

“He says (Steve) is pretty mean to others”- well, you have a great advantage over Steve, no wonder your partner doesn’t want to be with him.

I typed the above before reading the part of your post where you shared that your partner introduced you to his family, that he told you that he wants to marry you, that he “shows that he is serious through such actions”. That he was cheated on in the past and would “never do the same to me”, leads me to think that he very much appreciates that he can trust you to not cheat on him- another great advantage you have over many other people, in addition to being kind to others.

Regarding your jealousy and fear that he will leave you, here is a way that will help you figure out the chances for that happening:  look at the history of the relationship between his parents, and between himself and his parents while he was growing up (from what he shares with you). When there are significant ongoing conflicts/ distress between parents, and/ or between parents and child, the child growing up in such a home is likely to cause troubles with adult romantic relationships later  on.

If he didn’t express to you such conflicts/ distress growing up in his home, and you didn’t notice such otherwise, chances are that you can rely on him to stay with him. From all you shared so far, I am optimistic.

“is it wrong for me to feel threatened by Steve?”- I imagine Steve, appearing confident, motivated etc., and the fact that he knew earlier that your partner was in a relationship but made a move on him regardless, because he didn’t think it was serious, leads me to think that Steve is not shy about approaching men, and I assume he has approached others since he approached and was rejected by your partner, and that he was approached by others, and therefore, he is not likely to be singularly focused on your partner.

“I cannot hush .. the worry and fear”- worry and fear are quite noisy. It takes a skillful practice called emotional regulation to hush fear, a multi-disciplinary approach of daily aerobic and other exercise, getting enough sleep, eating healthily, listening to guided Mindfulness meditation, sometimes it takes quality psychotherapy, to look at the origin of our excessive fear and worry and process that.. these are a few of the things that come to my mind.

On way to not try in the effort to hush the worry and fear is to keep asking your partner questions, to keep asking for reassurance- it gets tiring and it is unattractive. Like I wrote to you before, you can share with him honestly what you feel, but sound confident as you do, not like a powerless person that hangs on his every word.. who is so very desperate. And don’t repeat the same questions, and don’t go on and on.

When you are with him and you feel very anxious, take a time out, distract yourself with some exercise, maybe a guided meditation (I like the Mark Williams Mindfulness Series), and keep in mind that there is nothing your partner can say, nothing anyone can say or do to permanently take away from you the fear and worry. If you understand that you have to endure some fear and worry for a long time, if not for a lifetime, you will no longer be desperate to get rid of it here and now! Knowing it is a long term challenge, you are more likely to endure it without reacting to it in counterproductive ways.

anita

You are welcome, kiwiboy0897. Whenever you need to, post again and I will reply to you.

anita

Dear kiwiboy0897:

Notice that in bitter (“it just makes me anxious and bitter”), there is anger, that’s what bitterness is, a slow buildup of anger.

How did your partner want a friendship with Steve after Steve came on to him? Some people don’t take people coming on to them sexually as a serious thing, a deal breaker of any kind. They shake the experience off them and proceed as if it didn’t happen. To you what happened in that bathroom was disturbing, not something you can get over. For your boyfriend, it probably didn’t mean that much, so he let it slide. Makes sense?

anita