Dear Elizabeth:

Having read all your recent posts in this thread, in your new thread and replies to other members, I am  impressed by your courage and strength of character,  going on your journey of self-discovery and reclaiming yourself.. for yourself, as you put it. This very journey plus doing your best to be a decent human being is admirable, and you deserve to walk off with your head held high, just as you wrote in a reply to another member (“.. done your best to be a decent human being walk off with your head held high“). In my mind’s eye, I see you walking with your head held high and I feel respect for you.

You wrote about your recent therapy session and your self-discovery journey: “I don’t think I have ever truly confronted my own discomfort and myself head-on like this before. This is truly unnerving. I don’t know what to do with all these feelings that I am feeling right now“- there will be discomfort, times of elation and times of sadness and discouragement. Persist in your journey regardless of how you feel at any particular moment. In difficult moments, ask yourself: what can I learn in this very moment? I find the journey of self-discovery a journey of learning, and as long as I am learning, it is interesting. The interesting factor keeps me going through difficult moments.

I am so sorry that your sister got infected with HIV, had AIDS and died. It is so sad that a person once full of life, “very ambitious and a good girl.. coming into her own” didn’t have a better and longer life.

In regard to Christopher wearing an “Everyone likes me, everyone thinks am nice” mask, while under the mask he is selfish, arrogant, deceitful and “capable of cutting someone who is already down and broken“- all your honesty and all the love you ever felt for him..  can not convince him to remove his mask, to go on his own self-discovery and be a decent human being. Neither will your anger convince him. There is nothing for you to do but to indeed make that last exchange you had with him “the VERY last time” that you try to make him understand anything about .. anything.

People with heavy duty masks will not take them off because it is easier and profitable to keep their masks on, at least on the short-term. People tend to do what is Easier-Now, which is very different from what a self-discovery journey and being a decent human being is about!

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by .

Dear Elizabeth:

I started reading your recent post but I want to let you know of the possibility that I will lose electricity and internet because it is very windy where I live, and strong winds have caused power lines in my area to fall many times in the past. If and when that happens this morning or in the next few windy days, and I do not respond to you- it will be because I am unable to respond because of the loss of electricity and internet. The longest such loss in the past was a few days. I will be back to your thread shortly (assuming internet access is not lost).

anita

Dear Elizabeth:

You are welcome and thank you for sharing your amazing and courageous “process of transformative healing wide awake“, it is a privilege to read!

“I am a very firm believer in ‘Actions never lie‘“- words are easy to say,  effortless and quick..  it takes only a few seconds and hardly a calorie burnt to say a sentence, be it true or a lie.

“he has been playing innocent like he had an out of body experience when he said and did all those horrible things to me.  this is one of the reasons I don’t like Christians! their sense of responsibility for their bad actions is warped because they blame everything on the devil who had nothing to do with any of the mess they made“- well said. It’s convenient to give a fictional character the responsibility for our bad actions.

“in his books when I forgive him I should greet him and smile in public and act all sweet so that the whole world can see that he is such a swell guy.. I won’t be part of his elaborate charade“- better close his book and give it back to him, it is not worth your reading. You are writing your own book, authored by “a great person and an even more decent woman“!

“I want to comfort myself and say everything happens for a reason, that there is some cosmic force (God) out there looking out for me and putting me out of harm’s way. I don’t want to do that because I want to take responsibility for my transformation.  I want to go through this whole process of transformative healing wide awake“-  there is no real godly entity out there looking out for you.. (or for me, or for any individual), Better you  look out for yourself.. wide awake.

“I am going to do better. I am going to transform myself into the best version of myself.  I will not dumb myself down to accommodate anyone ever again. it’s up to them to move up to my level”– doesn’t read like this man is able or willing to transform himself to his best version. But there are men out there who do.. and you need only one.

I read your new thread Tired. I suppose that being wide awake for too long is tiring. Please don’t forget to rest, and thank you for being a good mother to your son (“When I got home I had to be a mother to my son. I had to maintain a calm demeanour so that I didn’t scare my child“). Because I am communicating with you here, on this thread, I don’t see a reason to post on your new thread. I hope other members reply to you there, but it has been very slow here on the forums, for quite some time.

In regard to the weaning concept that I mentioned, I find that it often happens that we as women are attracted/ stay with men who are difficult and not good for us because they remind us of a difficult parent, and we get busy with the impossible task of trying to change a difficult parent by proxy.

anita

Dear Elizabeth:

You are welcome. I was touched to read that you were touched right on your heart, thank you for expressing this. I hope to read from you again, anytime you feel like posting. Whenever you do, I will read and reply.

anita