Dear Linarra:

“Wildfires and chickens make it sounds like you are living more in the countryside than in a big city. I wonder if you see beautiful things on your daily walks“- yes, I live in the countryside, in a forest, on hills facing a valley. There is plenty of vegetation from ferns, mosses.. anything and everything, wild mushroom, lots of trees, lots and lots of trees and flowers (lots of the vegetation dried out because of drought though) and wild animals, from brown bears to cougars, coyotes, chipmunks, squirrels, lots of rabbits and more. I was confronted by a coyote twice on my walks, he ran to my left, turned around and faced me, figuring out if he (and his friends lurking by) should attack me. Once when I opened the porch door- there was a bear right there, a big cinnamon- colored bear. I regularly see bear scat on my walks. The neighbors filmed a cougar on the front yard where I live, and I saw cougar tracks on the snow, during winter.

“It is 9:30 here, 00:30 where you live. Hopefully, you’ll be still asleep for more than 3 hours after I sent this message“- I woke up a bit later than the usual lately, felt less tired as I got up and thought to myself: I will tell Linarra that I slept better somewhat.

“I am skeptical about any kind of progress when it comes to her“- you doubt that she will make any permanent progress, meaning you think that maybe she will, that there is a chance that she will.

“so when she doesn’t make the worse of a situation, it comes as a relief… and yeah a bit of an accomplishment but truly, I know by now it isn’t likely to be permanent“-

– “it isn’t likely to be permanent” means that you think that maybe her progress will be permanent, you are still hoping that maybe..

– not the worse= a relief= an accomplishment=a job well done by you.

“It isn’t a success, but it is still a relief when things aren’t at the worse. I remember the worse, it felt like being on the verge of dying at every little action she does or could do, even while being an adult living with her and technically supposed to be able to leave“-

– it angers me that one person (your mother) has so much power over you, it enrages me inside (I don’t feel strong anger right now, but I feel it being inside me, a ball of contained rage). It enrages me that the life she offered you was to be “on the verge of dying at every little action she does or could do”.

“I will never know the amount of ‘better’ she could do if she chose to do so“-

– but you are waiting to find out if she does better, pessimistically waiting but still.. waiting.

“A lot of her beliefs/thinking patterns and priorities aren’t good for our well-being“-

– here is where I see the main problem in regard to your “Healing and becoming functional” (the title of your thread): the word our, in “our well being”, you see you, your brother, your sister and your mother as one unit, us/ our. You are not separating the victimizer from the victims in the context of your household.

“I have no idea what amount of therapy she would need to overcome that if she wanted to. But I don’t think she really wants to anyway“-

– substituting pronouns: I have no idea what amount of therapy we would need to overcome that if we wanted to. But we don’t think we really want to anyway.

The above sentence doesn’t make sense, does it? That’s my point: it doesn’t make sense for you to place your mother together with her victims as we, us, or our.

“I don’t really show her excitement at her progress“- you probably meant: I don’t really show my excitement at her progress, but .. pronouns get confused when you and her are we.

“We all know I am not ready to leave any time soon. This is why she allows herself to order me or insult me sometimes when she feels like it“- I wonder if this is how you show her love: receiving her insults, accommodating her need to insult you when she feels like it.

“The part of Kahlil Gibran’s poem you quoted is really nice. I like the idea of mothers not owning their children.  Ownership of a living being, in any situation, seems dangerous to me“- you felt “really nice” at the idea of not being owned by your mother. It will take feeling really excited at the idea to motivate you to want this for yourself, to want to not be owned by her.

* I just turned off the air purifier that I considered turning off yesterday, writing to you about it.

“In your post of 14th august posted at 7:56 am you said : ‘When I left my mother and country on my own, at 24, I didn’t have a plan, nor did I need a plan, or money (beyond the airline ticket and some extra). I didn’t care. The idea of being away from my mother was intoxicating“- see, I wrote it felt “intoxicating” which is different from “really nice”.

“When did you become the creator of your life? Was it after you stopped communication with your mother? Was it after therapy?“-

– (1) I am in the process of being the creator of my life, I am not a final product: The Creator (of my life), (2) The process of being the creator of my life started some time in 2011 during therapy.

“When do you think cutting the mother ownership starts and when the becoming daughter of life begins?“-

-cutting the mother ownership starts with realizing that you and your mother are not the same person, that there is no “we” or “us” or “our”. It starts when you realize that you loved her all along but she did not and does not love you back. It starts when you realize that you confused your love for her with her (non-existent) love for you.

When you finally realize that she doesn’t love you and never had, since the time you  can remember, because you can see that you would never have done to her what she did to you. When you thoroughly understand that she never loved you.. she becomes just like any other random person you pass by on the street, a person who also doesn’t love you.

“Is it necessary to become the creator of our own lives to be the daughters of life or is just taking freedom, even as a passive passenger, is still being the daughter of life?“-

– it is not necessary to have a job or be rich or be considered a productive member of society in order to be in the process of creating your own life (within the limitations of life). But it is necessary to not be living with and interacting with your mother.

When I wrote above (and I have been in this post as well, reading one part- responding, then reading the next- responding etc., never going back to edit) that the process of no longer being owned by one’s mother starts with seeing her as just another person, like a person you meet on the street, I didn’t mean that it’s possible to physically be with her and see her that way, or to communicate with her otherwise and perceive her to be just another person.

I meant that after a long time of no longer seeing her in real life, of not hearing her voice, of not communicating with her- then you can see the image of her in your mind as just another random person.

anita

Dear Linarra:

The bear did not frighten me at all, when I saw him just a few meters from me, I thought of him as one of the cartoon bears, he looked sad and it felt to me that he was about to tell me why he is sad, in that sad bear voice you hear in cartoons. A big part of me not being afraid, I have no doubt, is that when I saw him, I was only partly outside and could have gone back in, protected. On the other hand,  it was me and the coyote face-to-face, nowhere to hide, no person in sight, so that was scary. I remember his blue eyes looking at me like a predator looks at its prey.. not like in a science fiction movie, no evil look on the coyote’s face, it was just business as usual in the natural world: he was trying to figure out if it will be worthy for him to attack.. maybe he could get hurt, maybe I was too big and will hurt him.

“I’m glad there is improvement in your sleep, I hope it’ll keep getting longer!“- thank you, there’s definitely an improvement, I was much more tired at this time yesterday than I am today.

“Are you thinking this hope and this sense of accomplishment is keeping me there?“- yes.

“Just mental death though“- mental death is of much longer duration than physical death, isn’t it.. imagine a mentally dead person saying about the physical death of another person: oh, that’s just physical death. That person would have a point.

“Nothing is as destructive as the weight of living with her insanity”- I have no comment about this sentence, it is worth copying and adding it here.

“I guess I’ll have to be precise with what I mean by “we” from now on…“- good idea! Even though you meant you and your siblings in that particular “we”, in that once sentence, I know (yes, that’s how strongly I believe it to be true, so much so that I .. know) that in your mind, your mother and you are one unit, a “we”. There are some cracks in that unit, no doubt, and no noticeable feelings of affection and love for her.. but you and her are still a “we”.

“Alright. Ew, so let’s sum it up. She and I, two different persons. And my disgusting love for that woman, not reciprocated“- you are disgusted by your love for her, but your love for her (or for anyone) was/ is never disgusting. It was and is beautiful. It’s just that when it is used against you by the one you love- it hurts and shames and .. makes one very angry.

“Earlier, before my nap… I thought again about how to reach freedom as I was drowsy. The only thing that came to my mind was my death.. calmly. This is an old pattern. When I think of any kind of escape, it’s never living that comes into my mind“- physical death is the fastest and easier way to accomplish freedom/ escape from living, no wonder it’s a calming, comforting thought.

“My brother thinks I’ll need meds or some kind of drug.. Maybe that’s what I need to feel enough emotions to initiate changes myself?“- maybe.

“Tomorrow I’ll go out because I have an appointment to get vaccinated“- glad to read that you will get vaccinated tomorrow! I am looking forward to read about it after it happens!!!

“I think as I’ll see the hills on the road until there, I will think of you“- I am smiling. It is now 11:21 am my time, 8:21 pm your time. I hope you sleep well tonight.

anita

Dear Linarra:

“I just came back from my vaccination, it went well“- excellent, congratulations!!!

“I was able to think a bit when I was waiting at the vaccination center, though. I think the lack of support outside my home and the lack of confidence in my ability to reach functionality and full autonomy are the main factors preventing me from wanting to leave“- you can replace what I put in bold with just one word: fear.

“I have been taught family were the only people I could count on“- your I agree: your mother is the only person you can count on to keep you sick and dysfunctional.

“My mother’s help doesn’t come from love“- what help, what love.. (I am not bothering to add a question mark here).

“my mother would help me and be there for me if I need it“- that ship has sailed long ago, meaning you needed her for many years and she was not there for you.

“she expects me to allow and forgive the abuse, and help her too. Ah, and not abuse her back… this part of the trade is unfair“- You know that it’s not fair on some surface level of understanding, but not on a deep level of understanding. A part of you believes that the trade is fair and that’s why you are still part of the trade.

“she can hurt me because she helps me”- she can hurt you because her motivation is to help herself, not to help you. Even though she ends up hurting herself, her motivation nonetheless is to help herself. It reminds me of the story of The Scorpion and the Frog. Think of yourself as the frog and your mother- the scorpion. Here is the story (please read when you can do so calmly and patiently, so that you can get into the story):

“One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river. The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn’t see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.”Hellooo Mr. Frog!” called the scorpion across the water, “Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?”

“Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?” asked the frog hesitantly.

“Because,” the scorpion replied, “If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!”

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. “What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!”

“This is true,” agreed the scorpion, “But then I wouldn’t be able to get to the other side of the river!”

“Alright then…how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?” said the frog.

“Ahh…,” crooned the scorpion, “Because you see, once you’ve taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!”

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog’s back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog’s soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog’s back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

“You fool!” croaked the frog, “Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?”

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog’s back.

“I could not help myself. It is my nature.”

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.” End of Story.

My little comment on the story and the parallel to your story: your mother can help herself but she doesn’t want to help herself, it’s too difficult, so she gives in to her impulses and the end result of your association with her can be nothing other than the two of you sinking into the muddy waters.

Back to your recent post: ‘but I wouldn’t be allowed to hurt her (if I wanted to, I don’t unless it’s a self-defense impulsion) even if I helped her”- the frog can’t hurt the scorpion, so the scorpion is not afraid of the frog.

“Anyway, I’ve been taught that support is… transaction… In the best scenario the other person would want something I can and am willing to give, in the worst scenario… well that would be quite uncomfortable. And I might be able to cope with my mother’s way of trading, but I am more worried about outsiders because what happens is less clear“-

– It is clear to me (still adhering to the story above) that the end result of you coping with your mother’s way of trading is that you sink into the muddy water. If you want to end up in clear, clean shallow water and walk to the shore- your only chance is to learn a different way of trading, one where you are not stung by a person whose nature is .. to sting.

“It hurts when I have to see my love as something negative… I like to love people. Loving feels good“- It hurts to get stung, especially by the one you love. Love feels good, being stung feels bad.

“It is 12:01 am now for me, 03:02 am for you. I hope you’ll still be asleep for a while, enough for you to feel good today, as I post this message“- It is 7 pm your time, 10 am mine. I was up at night but ended up back to sleep until 6, feeling okay, smiling, thinking of you.

anita

Dear Linarra:

“It won’t be easy“- no, it is not easy and it will not be easy.. and then it will become easy. Think of this image: a planet moves in an orbit around the sun. Gravity holds the planet in that orbit, moving around and around and around the sun. You are like the planet and your mother is like the sun. It is very difficult for you to break that orbit and move away from the center of your orbit, that is, away from your mother.

But once gravity is diminishes and then exists no more- it will be easy to keep moving away from her.

Be patient with the process and very gentle with yourself. Don’t pressure yourself. I hope you sleep well tonight!

anita

Dear Linarra:

I was thrilled to read that you went outside! Fitting it into the image I painted: the planet took a few steps outside its orbit, farther from the sun, congratulations!!!

“My mother saw me as I prepared to go out this morning. She said ‘You’re going out? Alone? Where does this idea come from?“- if it is not her idea, it’s not okay to have it… it must be.. her idea or no idea.

“She said.. ‘It is dangerous to go out alone you know‘”- I know it is dangerous to stay inside with her. The danger you’ve known personally in your life so far is Inside, not Outside.

“There are always some risks of course, but does she have to say it the one time I decide to go out?“- she doesn’t have to say it, she wants to say it. She wants  to  keep  you Inside. Not because  she loves you, but because she needs you to be Inside, within her gravitational pull, orbiting around her.

“There’s no logic in her words and behavior. I wonder if she’s just trying to scare me. I wonder how long this has been going on“- the logic in her words and behavior is the human quest for Power, for a personal sense of: I am powerful! It is an intoxicating feeling for everyone, it’s just that different people go about different ways to get that sense of personal power, and there are many ways, a few of which are: winning sport competitions, arguing and winning arguments, getting prestigious jobs, earning higher education diplomas, making more money, owning bigger homes and bigger cars.. and a mother owning her child.

“It isn’t the first time I do something for myself and she says something in order to stop me… She really prefers me passive and at her disposal“- I wrote the above regarding her quest for power by owning you before I read what I just italicized.

“She really prefers me passive and at her disposal, disguising her words of false caring and good intents. It makes it hard to see her in a bad light. But the result of listening to her ‘kind’ words is destructive. Innocent looking, but quite dangerous“-

– her caring, good intents, kindness and innocence (boldfaced above) are the weapons that she uses against you, to maintain her Power and her ownership of you, keeping you in that orbit around her. Unlike a gun, using her weapons is totally legal and not messy. Most important to her: her weapons work, they get her what she wants.

Here is something that is very, very important to understand. I hope that I can explain it clearly: I am sure that you noticed that your mother likes you sometimes, that she feels affection for you sometimes, that she is emotionally attached to you.. and it may confuse you, making you think that she loves you after all. Here is a story that I hope will make it clear:

In mid-January 1945, as Soviet forces approached the Auschwitz concentration camp complex, the SS began evacuating Auschwitz. SS units killed thousands of prisoners before leaving and then forced nearly 60,000 prisoners to march west from the Auschwitz camp system. During those marches, referred to as the death marches, SS guards shot anyone who fell behind or could not continue. Prisoners also suffered from the cold weather, starvation, and exposure on these marches. At least 3,000 prisoners died on route to Gliwice alone; possibly as many as 15,000 prisoners died during the evacuation marches from Auschwitz and the subcamps (united states holocaust memorial museum. com). Why didn’t the SS guards kill all the prisoners before escaping capture by the Soviets? After all, it would have been easier for the SS guards to escape without being burdened by the prisoners. Their reason: they grew emotionally attached to their prisoners, more specifically, they grew attached to the feeling of Power over their Prisoners.

The SS guards did not love the prisoners they took with them to the marches, they treated them just as bad and worse than before. But they liked them.. they liked them not as people, but as prisoners.

Back to you: when you see your mother liking you, when you see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice and in her words, you are perceiving correctly: she does like you and she is emotionally attached to you.. as a person she owns. She is attached to her sense of Power over You.

“How many times have I heard the ‘Be kind to your mother, don’t make her life harder, she’s been going through a lot, she love you a lot, protect your mother, don’t make her worrying for you…’ from strangers or acquaintances of my mother“-

– some of the strangers and acquaintances.. if they told your mother to be kind to you, your mother would get angry at them and express it (saying something like: how DARE YOU tell me how to treat my child!?). They don’t want her anger. On the other hand, they can tell you to be kind to her and no angry response. Some of the acquaintances tell you to be kind to her because by doing so, they are being kind to her, and they want her to reciprocate their kindness somehow.

“People who never saw through what was going on, or who didn’t give it much thought“- it doesn’t take much thought or seeing through for anyone to know that in the context of a parent and child, the Parent is in Power and the child is not. People (and society as a whole) are motivated to please those in Power.

“It is nice to discuss with someone who doesn’t think I have to indulge her“- I don’t want you to indulge her need to have power over you (and much of society’s need to maintain parental power no matter how abusive it is). I want you to exercise your own personal power and exit that gravitational pull which is keeping you in her orbit, owned.

anita

Dear Linarra:

You are welcome.

“Very small steps, but thank you!“- very  big steps, I say, and thank you for taking them, it makes me happy that you did.

“I would like to make it a habit“- I hope you do, the more gentle and patient, the greater the chance that you will make it a habit.

“Very effective weapons indeed. It messed up with my mind quite a lot. It made me very ashamed“- her weapons target the brain and messes it up. Shame is one big mess.

“by taming myself, or letting myself be tamed, I failed myself the most“- you helped yourself the most as a child, it was the smartest choice, nature’s choice. IF you are able to learn to live untamed, then this old taming is hurting you.

“letting my emotions be killed didn’t worth it either“- good thing that your emotions are not really dead.

“I am not my mother’s first daughter. I am her 3rd daughter“- according to my count then, she messed up five children. It’s a good thing she is too old to produce any more children.

“The one she affirms she had never loved is ironically the only one who left her, cutting ties on her own“- it is my understanding that your mother never loved any of her children. Editing this sentence according to my best understanding: The one she had never owned is understandably the only one who left her, cutting ties on her own.

* Imagine a mother kissing her daughter on the cheek with affection, and it feels very nice and warm inside, for the daughter, and maybe for the mother too- that’s loving, isn’t it.

Now imagine a mother doing the same, then slapping her daughter hard across the face, then kissing her on the cheek with affection.. then slapping her across the face, etc. Soon enough, the pain from the slapping is going to take away all the nice feeling of being kissed, isn’t it.

Now, let’s say that for the mother, when she kisses her daughter after slapping her face hard, she feels nice and warm inside, feeling affection for her daughter. My question for you, if you want to ponder it: where is the love in this dynamic?

“I’m starting to think lesser of people… which I guess isn’t a bad thing, because all my life I gave too much importance to people’s opinions, too much power over me, too much fear…“- yes, do think lesser of people who hurt people.  Don’t give them the opportunities to hurt you further.

anita

Dear Linarra:

“she was asking me to kiss her on the cheek or taking the hugs from me and I was doing it/accepting it but I took no pleasure. I let her because she was the one feeding me and driving me to school so I owed her“-

– The Exchange Principle was formed. I think that a girl giving her mother hugs and kisses in exchange for food and transportation .. is more likely to become a woman giving men the use of her body in exchange for … food and transportation (being driven to a restaurant and fed there, aka a date).

“When my mother stole hugs from me or asked me to kiss her on the cheek..  I was an object or a pet to her. Damn, when we were kids and teens she was calling us using the same orders dogs are called to make them come back to their owner, ‘Au pied!‘”-

– The relationship between you and your mother was that of ownership: she was the owner, you were the object or pet that was owned.

“we managed to make her stop when we noticed how insulting it was and it started to be uncomfortable, but before that, we didn’t question it… When we made her stop, we were aware she was treating us like dogs when she ordered us like that, but I never thought far enough to think it would make her our owner. It’s… disgusting“-

– I was thinking about our communication yesterday, before reading your recent post, I thought to myself: As I continue to communicate with Linarra, she will see her mother more and more as she is, and as that  happens, Linarra will feel more and more uncomfortable living with her mother, seeing her everyday. Being so uncomfortable, Linarra is likely to end our communication so to regain her previous comfort in her home When I read above: “It’s… disgusting”, I was reminded of my thought yesterday.

“My mother wasn’t in power with her mother, she wasn’t much in power with her abusive husbands too… but in the end she liked her role as the mother because of the power it gave her“-

– this is the story behind abusive mothers, just what you indicated: a woman feeling powerless in her life finds her Power in motherhood: she gives birth to babies who are 100% dependent on her, looking up to her as goddess (the all powerful)- bingo, she has power for the first time in her life and it intoxicates her!

* Regarding her “abusive husbands”-unless you have evidence that any of her husbands abused her (other than what she tells you, which I wouldn’t count as evidence), there is no reason for me to believe that indeed she was abused, and/ or that abuse was not mutual.

“She couldn’t manipulate her mother.. but her children… She could have power and use them because they needed her to survive. I guess I’m starting to visualize a bit more the difference between affection and love“-

– She needs you and your siblings because without you living with her, whom is she going to have power over? She will lose her intoxicating feeling of power! Remember the story I told you about the Nazi guards running from the Soviets, taking thousands of prisoners with them? There was no benefit to the Nazi guards in taking the prisoners with them while escaping other than that they took the intoxicating feeling of power with them: they loved shooting the prisoners, loved seeing them dying from starvation and exhaustion: it made them feel good.

Now, I am thinking: Linarra may not like me comparing her mother to a Nazi guard, but think of this: when your mother touched your private body parts, she knew it made you feel uncomfortable.. just as she knew other things that she did and said made you feel uncomfortable.. but she enjoyed seeing your discomfort because it meant that she had power over you (power to make you feel badly with no consequence to her, she gets away with it).. similar to the Nazi guards enjoying getting away with shooting prisoners whenever they felt like it.

If they lost all of the prisoners and found themselves marching alone toward freedom from the Soviets- I am sure that they would have missed the prisoners, they would have felt sad, thinking about the prisoners affectionately, wishing they were still there.

“I wasn’t able to appreciate the affection of my mother anymore“, you wrote earlier in your recent post- we need affection from people who see us as people with basic human rights, don’t we. Not from people who see us as objects to have power over. But a child receiving affection from a power hungry mother does not question that affection (“before that, we didn’t question it“) because the child’s brain is not developed enough and capable enough to question it.

anita