Dear Anita,

“unless a person is suffering a psychotic breakdown, he/ she is aware-enough of what is happening, this is why a violent parent beating their child stops short of hurting the child badly enough to kill the child, or badly enough to require hospitalization.. and why parents avoid beating their children in public (where child protection laws exist), etc.”

I agree. Yet, there were times during her crisis she really seemed to lose touch with reality, enough to make us wonder if she weren’t on edge of a temporary psychotic breakdown. And other times she can seem to be aware and manipulative. It is a thing I was never entirely able to determine with certainty with my mother, how much she was aware and how much she was unaware. The only sure thing about her was her instability.

I thought about the difference between humans and objects a bit more.

Some people would lash out at an object if it ceases to function like they want to, but they would like the object alright when it works well for them. An object has no feeling so it isn’t technically a problem to lashing out at them. If someone considers a human as their possession, as an object, they wouldn’t care to break it if it isn’t working well, or be violent to make it work right again.

I guess you’re right, there’s no love there. Some humans can chose to love and care about an object. So I guess she could have chose to do so for her children. But she didn’t. Or only temporarily.

“One more thing, my mother, as mentally ill as she was (no less than yours, I imagine), told me that one time: “You think that I don’t know that what I am doing is wrong? I am not stupid, I know. But what are you going to do.. you have nowhere to go”!”

My mother also knows what she does is wrong. I think it is part of her motivation for self-destruction. I do not remember mine telling something as obviously incriminating about herself that the thing you mother said, not without any remorse at least.

Remember when my mother hit me last week and I was alright? I defended myself, just by putting my arm in the way to prevent her foot kicks to reach another part of my body. Just pure reflex. Her foot hit my elbow. She hurt herself by trying to hurt me (at the instant it happened, I could only laugh at the idea of karma. Then I thought “oh no, she might use it against me, say I beaten her up or some kind of bullshit”, because she very often told people about how abusive and controlling her children were towards her.) I came out without a bruise, she came out with (maybe?) broken toes. She didn’t use it against me this time. But she refused to go see a doctor when I told her to. She said she had worse when she was a child, she said that “maybe she didn’t want to heal it as a way to punish herself”.

My mother’s choice to regret and to be a victim in order to wash out of her wrongdoings is a confusing factor. It always was been. She is very confusing in her ways of doing things. Trying to make sense of actions, especially in times of crisis, was making me insane. She makes everything look unreal and insane.

I will never know if there could have been any truth in her regrets because we are in a very specific situation of balanced powers.

We are (the children only) the owner of the house we’re living in, not her. That was the heritage of my father, it wasn’t very legal of him to disinherit his wife so she could have opposed it, but she let it happen, playing the self-sacrificing heroic victim.

Long after, we discovered she secretly stole a lot of money from my brother’s heritage while he was a minor. While she was doing so and we ignored it, she used the fact she was paying for our food and for the bills to, well… make us shut up when we were expressing anger at being abused? While I was disagreeing with the “I feed you so accept the abuse and shut up” logic, I accepted it, because there’s not so much we could do about it. We were paid/feeded to be abused. If she wanted it to be a transaction, well it could be. This kind of logic was the thing that killed the love for me. When we discovered she had been stealing money, it was a turning point for us. Because it couldn’t be a fair transaction anymore if she’s been twisting the rules.

She has been afraid she would be thrown out by us. Probably because she’s aware of her wrongdoings. She has been afraid in spite she has been the one to make sure we knew we couldn’t legally throw her out as long as she paid the bill of this house we own. And well, legal possibility or not, we aren’t heartless enough to throw her out. Even if we were heartless, we aren’t able to function without her yet. And she knows it. And she uses this power to keep the abuse going. But, you know, not too much, because she fears the day we’ll be able to function without her. She fears an act of revenge from us.

I personally wouldn’t do that, I don’t believe revenge or long-term resentment would do any good. My siblings? She better not push her luck too much… They are tired of fighting, but if she breaks them down until they got nothing to lose she has good reasons to fear. That might be why she’s more comfortable to take ‘’ free abuse turn’’ on me than on my siblings, my need for inner peace is stronger than the short-term satisfaction revenge could bring. If anything, revenge would hurt me more, I don’t like conflict and I don’t feel good about hurting someone, even if I had been hurt by. Because, unlike her, I know it isn’t a good enough reason.

Whether the empathy and love she expresses sometimes are genuine or fake, twisted or inexistent… in the end, she broke the relationship and the trust to a point of no return. It doesn’t change what she did. It doesn’t change I do not want to be a part of that or a part of her. Just like I wish she weren’t a part of me, within the mental wounds she created in me.

” I am scared too, I don’t want my input to scare you too much… It took me years to understand these things about love that took me minutes to type out for you. I hope you are okay, I want you to be okay!”

I am okay, I will be. The hurt cannot be avoided, it has to happen at some point. And it is helpful to have your input to help me think and I appreciate you’re keeping me company during this exploration, it would be harder to cope alone, the distress would have been greater I think.

I am mature enough to take those things, but I am not guarded enough to be above getting emotional or vulnerable (not during this conversation, not with you). If someone else had given me this input, in other circumstances, I would probably had been too focused on controlling my reaction to give the input a real thought. But I’m allowing it with you. And emotions like fear, pain, or distress can happen. But I trust you, and I trust myself to be okay once the emotions are done expressing.

The idea of being loved by her, even unhealthily, was among the few good things she brought to me. Even if it was for wrong reasons or an illusion. The idea some part of me could be lovable was reassuring, and I chose to believe that and built confidence in that. It is a bit shaking, to remove some foundations/reinforcement of these beliefs. But I guess it doesn’t make them untrue. I can be lovable, her feelings about me shouldn’t be more relevant than anyone else’s, or my own’s.

I can be okay with the idea she never loved me. But the act and the deception are scary. I guess I can still learn to recognize better, to not see what I would prefer to see in order to not risk being endangered again by an illusion of love.

Linarra.

Dear Anita,

I understand your way of answering and I see how it can be valuable to do it that way. For transparency, I will share I do read your whole post before I answer any of it. It is just anxiety-relieving to do it that way and rereading helping me process better. I am patient enough to read your words thoroughly, but my anxiety doesn’t allow me the patience to answer before I read everything.

” so, she ..breaks the child in order to show to other adults that she is fixing a broken child. This is cruelty, to break a child on purpose, for any reason.”

These words are a relief. While this statement seems obvious (from an intellectual standpoint), my emotions are still making me doubt sometimes.

I am, unfortunately, prone to self-gaslight. It is a bad habit that isn’t always there, not when at home, not when facing my mother, but when I do tell my side of the story I almost never fail to fall into the trap of gaslighting myself. What if the thing that I say isn’t true? What if I am being dramatic? What if this accusation is me abusing my mother? A most dreadful thought that nourishes my anxiety every time I speak about it. And it is absolutely born from my mother acting like she was abused every time I… pointed out what she was doing was abusive.

She was refusing this information so much she made me thought myself. Just like she denied/didn’t listen to my suffering so much I started doubting I was suffering. Or suffering enough to deserve an acknowledgment of what was happening.

There’s a memory that comes into my mind. I don’t remember how old I was. Maybe high school? I was trying to make my mother understand I was suffering (probably from her abuse, or a reproach that I wasn’t doing enough for her, I don’t remember the details but it doesn’t matter), her immediate reaction was to express how much (more) SHE was suffering. I was frustrated and after my words failed to make her understand I wasn’t trying to deny her feelings there but she was denying mine, I had an impulse. It was a desperate attempt to reach the communication the was refusing, I didn’t think much about it but I think it was an attempt to see if she would listen/understand more if I spoke her language: I slapped myself, in front of her and I told her “That’s what you’re doing to me.” I was crying, I was overwhelmed. Her reaction: she looked at me with strong negative emotions and left the room. We never spoke about it again. I felt extremely stupid and in shock. I was horrified both by my behavior, and by the fact she was out of communication to the point she would ignore my pain even when I made it obvious, and in her language. Of course, I never repeated that.

The lesson I learned from this time was about the impossibility of communication. Now, I think I should have seen there was a lack of caring, a lack of love. The woman who was worried for me for things I didn’t want her to worry, wasn’t worried when I had wish she was. Not too much, just enough for her to acknowledge what she was doing and feel sorry enough to make some change. But it didn’t happen.

And it was easier to tell myself it was because she was mentally ill than to see the truth.

“When your mother suggested to you that she does not want you to leave her, it was after she has left you long ago, emotionally… (if she was ever together with you, which I doubt). Her subjective experience of being “Really alone” cannot be undone if you keep living with her for the rest of her life.”

This is also relieving, at least for the guilt part. If it is like that, then I am allowed to… not care about her feelings as I take some distance.

“Leading the boy to his death did not invalidate the affection Mengele felt for the boy, but I wouldn’t say that Mengele loved the boy. If he loved the boy, he would have made an exception for the boy and arrange to move the boy outside of Auschwitz, to safety.” 

It is an enlightening distinction. Even if I wonder how humans manage to separate both.

“how can one lose a love that’s not there. I mean, didn’t she provide you by now with adequate evidence of her lack of love?”

She did, I am still processing it.

“taking the concept of mutual love out of a context where it does not apply (your mother/yourself),  can lead you to a context where mutual love does apply”

It makes sense. It is putting things in their rightful place. It is healthy.

“please remember that you can end our communication at any time if it scares you too much. I am surprised every time you do post for me, thinking beforehand that you may not.”

It isn’t too much, and even if it was I would probably reply. Actually, it is funny, because I feel the same way. While I do not doubt an instant that I would and will reply to you,  I am anxious while waiting for your answer. While I am at peace when replying to you. The peace easily turns into anxiety once the response is sent. “What if it is too much? What if I am too much? What if something I say might make her want to leave the conversation?” I do not censor myself, not anymore. At the beginning I was restraining a bit, to not overwhelm neither you or myself. But your answers were straight to the point and you came back, so I thought, maybe it was okay.

I am overwhelming myself, no doubt with that if the anxiety is any hint. I do not know if it is the challenge of my thoughts/beliefs, if it is because this conversation is powerful, if it is the amount of vulnerabilty I am allowing with you… I don’t know yet.  But, wow, it’s been a long since had so many lasting and intense freakouts… It is frightening, but it isn’t negative.

If my mother numbed me, our talks are un-numbing me. I wouldn’t dream of not answering even if I was at risk of some kind of anxious cardiac arrest at some point (figuratively, of course, it wouldn’t happen).

“It was very difficult for me to understand and believe that my mother was/ is dishonest. When I finally understood it, I re-evaluated what she told me before, which I automatically believed earlier to be the truth.” “she is confusing because a lot of what she tells  you is untrue. You can’t make sense of a story with a mix of some truths and a lot of untruths”

Fair enough. Outside of my moments of confusion, it has been a well-known fact for me that my mother was liar. A lot of the stories she told people weren’t true. I did witness so many times she lied about verifiable facts, twisted undoubtable truth. So it isn’t that hard to believe she could have been dishonest to me. I think sometimes I didn’t even believe when she told me compliments or when she told me she loved me. Because she lies so much you doubt everything she says. And you guess someone can’t lie all of the time, so you try to tell apart the lies from the truth. It was distressing to guess, maybe it didn’t worth it but it was a survival matter to guess and hope for the best.

“When she suggests regret for her actions, she may be lying. Look at her behavior over time: does honest regret fit into it (?)”

If she really regretted it, she wouldn’t repeat the harm she’s doing to me. So the answer would be no.

“does this mean that you can legally evict her?” “to choose to live with her, if it is a choice, would be a heartless choice for you and for your siblings.”

I think I mentioned it, but not really no. That would be too complicated to do and for not an assured win. It doesn’t worth it, since we do not want to live in this house in particular in the future. (Cursed village, cursed house. Oh, I used to love it so much, I was the last one in my family to still love it. My mother and my siblings saw the abuse of my father in it. I still was able to see the beautiful childhood memories, happiness, so so so much love for this place and my family when it still looked like one. But what happened and keep happening to my family killed the memories eventually, made me numb to the point I can’t feel the love for the place anymore. I don’t care as much about living there anymore. It is just a roof to not be homeless in case we got else nowhere to go.) So basically, if we got enough money for that, it’ll be just easier leaving. Where to? I don’t know. How long until? Uncertain. But as long as she’s alive she’s unlikely to move out before us.

” if she feared revenge, she would try to make things right for you and for your siblings, so to de-motivate revenge. I doubt she fears revenge from her adult children.”

Oh she tried some things, not very lasting and successful, but she isn’t behaving as bad as she used to. Her violence and abuse are less regular since then. It still happens, but she has been improving, and going down, and improving, and again showing it wouldn’t last. My brother pointed “Have you noticed how she acts perfectly well when she wants to convince me to come back home? And how she drops the act when I’m home? It is an act, not a real improvement.” And I trust his judgment on that. Sometimes I do not see the ulterior motive behind her temporary improvement, but that doesn’t mean the improvement will be lasting. She really could be doing it only when she tries to obtain something from us.

“You can never be sure that any piece of chocolate is free from a smear of feces. Better throw away the whole cake.”

Very pictural indeed, but efficient. I do agree. It doesn’t worth it. There are other better cakes out there.

“but part of you is still waiting for her to regain the trust (?)”

I have been until early 2020 for sure. Then I didn’t do much check because I was overloaded and kept myself overloaded with work. Or mental breakdowns after too much work. I didn’t have time to wait for her, I had to save myself. I wasn’t able to process everything. I have spent the last few years learning how to survive my situation alone, I didn’t expect recovery for my mother. But I didn’t want to exclude the possibility.

“You and I developed our thoughts in parallel ways although at different times, coming to a meeting place at the end, the same conclusion.. as if we had a conversation at the same time.. amazing!”

It is amazing indeed, and it is because it is the only conclusion that makes sense, keeping healthiness in mind. I must warn you but I can’t know if I’ll have a relapse about you. I might have to debunk and figure out a lot more before I am able to not feel like my world is on the edge of collapsing. Because I’m on unknown ground. I might have said that I trust myself, it is mostly a bet I’m making. The bet I’m not going to die or hurt myself too much during this exploration. That I will survive the fear, the anxiety, the loneliness, and the doubts. Thank you for your patience while talking with me until now, I hope I won’t wear it out too much in the future.

Linarra

Dear Anita,

‘’ I want to tell you before I close this post that I am pleased and at times thrilled to be communicating with you! ‘’
I am pleased and thrilled too, I’m happy to hear the feeling is mutual.

‘’ you can see that the statement in bold is true, but you doubt yourself because you still believe that she loves you, that she is capable of loving. So, on one hand you see cruelty, on the other you think/ feel something like: she can’t be cruel, she loves me!’’

I think it is more of a ‘’She tried to break me but I am not broken enough. I resisted her, so maybe the abuse wasn’t that bad. Maybe it made me stronger, smarter. I have been able to analyze, to be amused from the insanity at times, I was hurting but I also find interesting how mentally broken this family came to be. I suffered, but I survived. Maybe this abuse wasn’t entirely a bad thing. Maybe, if I was able to cope, my suffering doesn’t even deserve to be acknowledged.’’ I am denying my own pain because I forced myself to be okay and I kind of managed to be? But not in a way that allows me to survive in any other situation… And that’s a problem.

‘’ You still doubt your suffering.. are you still looking for it in that mirror (?) ‘’

Hm, not really? I have not been giving many thoughts about my mother for long (except for our talks of course). I live with her but she’s more of a ghost in my mind, I am not giving her my full attention.

I guess I am more looking into the few people I was able to confide in. They would be the “mirror”, but when I do confide I am acting strong, so the reflection isn’t exact. They send me admiration for being able to cope, and they do tell me I should leave my home. But they don’t know I am unable to survive outside, they don’t seem fully aware of the extent of my dysfunctionality. They see what they would do if they were me, but they don’t get the full picture.

Therefore, when I chose to stay, it’s like saying the environment isn’t that bad and that I’m not suffering that much. Which is untrue (I think?). I am just unable to find functionality in the outside world, so I would break down there. I am ashamed about that.

‘’I suppose I kept waiting for years and decades for my mother to finally tell me who is whom and outside that one sentence she said about her doing wrong to me, there was nothing coming my way from her, as far as clarity. I had to get my clarity away from her.’’

In the end, our mothers and our twisted relationship with them couldn’t give us the truth, it kept us in the dark. I understand how figuring out who we are (and who they are/aren’t) can only happen away from them.

‘’but (confused with who-is-whom and who did what to whom), she rushed to protect herself from someone long ago who hurt her, or she rushed to punish someone in her past that hurt her. ‘’

This makes a lot of sense. It was all about themselves, and nothing about us. Even this protection. This is why they never protected us the right way.

‘’You felt close to her and you imagine that she feels close to you and that she will hurt if you take some distance.  All along, not realizing that there is no distance to take, it’s already there as far as she is concerned.’’

I don’t think she’s aware either, but the distance is there. If it wasn’t, she would have seen me as a person. She would have noticed how emotionally detached I was getting from her over the years, how I had to force myself when she asked for hugs. She didn’t notice, she acts as it was all the same, as if I never stop loving her despite the regular abuse. Following your logic, it would be because she still loves the mother who hurt her… She never grew into an adult who knows better. But I still can.

‘’creating more long posts that take a lot of time and energy out of me. Maybe we can produce shorter posts. But I have no intent to no longer communicate with you. It’s the other way around, I hope to keep communicating with you for months.. or for as long as you want to. ‘’

Sorry for the length of my posts. I will try to keep it in mind and keep things shorter. I like our communication, and I like the idea it could keep on for months, as long you also wish to. I will try my best to make my posts more bearable.

‘’ Are you capable of considering it now, sort of meditating on it when you are calm enough, or tired enough and therefore calmer, thinking of this as a possibility (?) ‘’ If you mean, meditating and see as the truth or a possibility in the fact that ‘’a child is not capable of believing that her mother does not love her.’’, yes I can.

‘’By the way, a curious thing perhaps: you shared earlier that your language is French (and I assume it is your mother’s as well), so is my mother’s and her siblings’. I grew up with French (although not in a French speaking country). It was my first language, but because I stopped speaking it at 6, I can now understand casual speech only. ‘’

Interesting. You’re assuming right, it is my mother’s language as well. We’re living in France. Does it mean your mother was coming from a french speaking country before she had you?

” I wish I answered you first this morning, in case you’ve been anxious waiting for my reply. I answered you last because I wasn’t looking forward to the length of your post and the one I expected to put together, particularly given that the content of our conversation is indeed powerful for me too, and exhausting.”

It is alright. It is very understandable our conversation would be exhausting for you, I figured as much. It’s up to me to learn how to cope with my anxiety. I wouldn’t feel good if you had to go out of your way because of those insecurities of mine.  I am feeling bad at the idea of causing you discomfort, so I prefer to take it upon myself and learn to deal with this anxiety. I am very thankful that you care about my feelings though, it is heart-warming. But I also want to do things right by you.

Linarra

Dear Anita,

“What followed this unfortunate truth in my life (it was all about her, and nothing about me)- is that my life proceeded (in the home and in the outside world) to be … nothing about me.”

It is an awful feeling, isn’t it? Everywhere we go, it feels like we are a minor character in our own story. We don’t get to make the choice, we don’t get to make things about us… It isn’t right.

About that, when I observed my friends over years, I was amazed how they were so much about themselves. So much that, for a long while, I didn’t even tried to communicate with them about me. Because my mother was all about herself, and didn’t listen, so surely they were like my mother. Over the years, I discovered while it was right for a few, it was wrong for most of them. Some could care, if I dared to take some space. But until I didn’t and when I still don’t, I am/was an object in the background, even of my own life when I let others take all the space. Not everyone goes out of their way to get to know you, as their mind are already so busy paying attention to those who already know how to speak up already, and dealing with their own stuffs too of course.

All that, meaning… We are doing this to ourselves, because we were taught like this. Making things about ourselves, taking some space… It isn’t always pathological and disrespectful. It can be (and it is recognizable when someone only care about themselves), but for a lot of people… It is just the healthy way, it is just right! Just like they are allowed to exist, take some space and importance into this world, we should be allowed to.

“She didn’t see me as a person… fast forward, I lived my life as if I was not a person (one with certain rights, like physical boundaries/ privacy that should be respected. And about the distance from her, the distance she created, oh, how so very lonely I was and proceeded to be in the outside world.”

I relate to your pain a lot, as I’m still like that. Not feeling like a person. Very lonely everywhere. And don’t expect love and respect from anyone (not even myself until recently, I’m learning).

“she didn’t see your LOVE for her, she saw weakness that can be explored, or something else, but not love. If she saw your love for her, if she felt it, she would have stopped hurting you. (this is a projection I am making, which I feel quite certain to be true).”

I have no idea what goes on in her twisted chaotic mind, what she does see or don’t see. But I have came to learn a thing for sure, my love CAN’T heal everyone. Whether it is because she can’t see it, because it can’t reach her, because it won’t changer her. My love… didn’t matter. It didn’t make a difference. It wasn’t in my power to stop or change who she is, to make her love and care for me. It never was in my power, never will be…

“I feel very good answering right now, no exhaustion at all. I don’t know what you mean by taking it upon yourself to deal with your anxiety- you didn’t burden me at all with your anxiety. I perceive you as a very responsible, socially-conscious person, one who is the farthest from burdening anyone with anything.”

I am glad you feel good. And that you perceive me as responsible enough. I guess I feel the burden of my own emotions, and am very worried it could contaminate others through uncontrollable little signals I wouldn’t be self-aware of.

Too much empathy also lead me to sacrifice myself a lot in the past, which is something that someone risks when they don’t perceive themselves as a person (with rights and boundaries). If it’s anything you could be also prone to, I just want to avoid that. I don’t want to take advantage of your kindness. I value you as a person, and I don’t want any of my difficulties to be an excuse or a reason to burden you, disrespect you or make you feel like your feelings doesn’t/shouldn’t matter.

I hope it doesn’t come across like one of those misplaced caretaking behavior you mentioned in one of our previous conversation. It’s just… my way to try to makes sure communication goes right on both sides, as it is very important for me that we do not ignore our own boundaries for the other.

So it is why, I’m glad you’re able to respond either way is better for you. I am okay with you not responding everything with me (or not responding fast) I won’t take it the wrong way. It is enough if you respond what you feel like responding the most.

“isn’t it wonderful when something positive is mutual? It’s … what I always wanted in regard to my mother: mutuality of something good. Well, it feel good to experience a bit of that with you!”

I crave for this too, so I agree, it feels good.

It is silly, but during the last days I wondered if I should tell you how much I liked talking with you, “if I tell her I appreciate her, if I show appreciation… would she feel offended or threatened? Would it be inappropriate? Is it crossing a line?”
It is probably a projection, because I’m always afraid to care about someone.

But now I’m glad we established we both feel positive things about our discussions. It is a relief to know that I am allowed to care and feel invested in our talks.

Linarra

Dear Anita,

I’m not here with the intention of adding up more reading/responding work for you with this message. I just wanted to express my appreciation for you wishing me “bonne nuit”, it is very sweet of you. I was probably already sleeping by then. I responded to you so late because someone had just told me a scary story before my bedtime and it’s easier for me to fall asleep with peaceful feelings. Replying to you was successful in making me feel better and making me forget about my previous worries.

I hope you’ll be also sleeping well tonight.

Linarra