Dear Rammi:

You shared that you (34) met a man (28) on Bumble in March 2020. You talked on the phone and Facetimed every day, but because of the pandemic you didn’t meet in person until May. First date: “It was fireworks and our chemistry was amazing… things were very natural. I ended up spending the night with him”.

Following that first night together, the two of you “made it official as bf gf” and spent every weekend together, Friday- Sunday, May to August. Sometime in August, he “started making other plans or not wanting to see me on the weekend”, and he didn’t tell you in advance about his other plans, “I’d almost be waiting for him to tell me what’s going on”.

He met your friends, but “besides his roommate, no one knew about me, no family, no siblings, no coworkers”, you wrote. “We are Indian, so it’s a huge deal to meet parents…  we only introduce bfs or gfs if we want to marry them”. Not wanting to move toward such a huge commitment, you asked him to meet your brother, not your parents. He refused and you argued. After that he didn’t call you or text you for a week.

After that week he sent  you a message on Instagram that he was miserable without you. You met him for dinner, intending to break up with him, but he told you that he missed you and that he is sorry. You told him that you “can’t trust him, what if he does this again”, and he told you that he loves you and that “he will be telling his parents about me.. He even told me that he wants to marry me”.

In September, you asked him if he told his parents yet, and he said he would, but he didn’t. After a few days, he told you that “he thinks things are not going to work out” and that he doesn’t love you. You asked him why he told you otherwise a month before, and his answers were:  “he didn’t want to lose me.. he said those things to make me happy and he felt pressured”.

You wrote and asked: “How can someone tell you they love you only to tell you they don’t a month later… I don’t know when or where his feelings changed. Why would he say those things… He told me he would never leave me… All the promises, broken… I reached out again last week (1.5 months later) to get closure.. he texted me saying he will call me tomorrow. He never called”.

My attempted answers to your questions: it is easy to say things. It takes so very little time and effort to say words, a few seconds and the words “I love you” are said. A few more seconds and the words “I want to marry you” are said.

A man, or woman, may mean these words when saying them, but often they are said impulsively, in the heat of the moment, when chemistry is amazing. Often, these words are not said thoughtfully, with a plan in mind, or with any practical thinking regarding what it takes to put these words into action.

Sometimes, a man will say these words because he is afraid to lose the woman and an “I love you/ I want to marry you” are magical words to many women, words that make women change their minds when they want to break up with a man. These words change the mind of an angry woman, easy to say, great results.

“I don’t know when or where his feelings changed”- feelings by nature change. They change with the passage of time, place and circumstances. What is less of a product of change is a person’s values. Some people value keeping their word/ promises. Other people don’t.

When you had your first date, he enjoyed himself very much, he liked you, had a good time, so he wanted more and more of it, spending every weekend with you.. until he had enough of a good time, and he was done.

In your previous thread, March of this year, you shared about another man whom you never met but “been on and off.. for the past 6-7 years”. He too did not keep his word/ promises to you. You wrote at the time: “When something so devastating to you happens, it changes you for life. I found myself questioning everything about myself… my looks, my actions, my words, pictures I posted, and my personality… I didn’t understand how you can do the things he did to someone you claim you love… I don’t know why he keeps taking things further when he has no intentions of being with me.. I’m just confused”-

– it seems to me that the experience with the other man did not change you for life, and it seems to me that you didn’t answer the question you asked. You didn’t understand, following that experience, that words are indeed easy to say, that enunciated, they are not carved in stone. It is too easy and quick.. and convenient to say words for the many people who lack the strong value of following their words with actions.

But you did answer one question at the time, March of this year: “I realized if a person didn’t love me enough to explain themselves to me or share their thoughts then that person wasn’t for me”- and indeed, in regard to the recent man, after the week that followed his refusal to meet you brother, a week of him not explaining himself to you, you did decide to break up with him. But you changed your mind because he said he was sorry, because he said he loved you and that he will marry you.

If you want to attempt to answer your own questions more thoroughly, and ask new questions, I will be glad to help you in that effort.

anita

Dear Rammi:

You do deserve to be loved, Rammi, and I hope you do find love soon enough. Post again anytime.

anita