To me, it sounds like neither of you is willing to trust each other or yourselves enough to be vulnerable. When you unleashed your wrath (don’t worry, I’ve done it too), it was entirely a coverup. I strongly suspect that you felt vulnerable and scared that he didn’t love you. And instead of owning those heart-wrenching emotions, and admitting them to yourself and to your bf, you took the easy route and blew up. It is ALWAYS easier to be angry than vulnerable. Always.

One of the reasons that most people aren’t willing to be vulnerable, is not only the pain of being rejected; it is the pain of wondering if you are being rejected because something inherent in you is “wrong” or not worthy of being loved. It’s not just “when I showed him who I really am, he decided I wasn’t right for him” — because in your head it becomes “I showed him who I really am and he decided he didn’t love because who could love me in all this mess. And if he doesn’t love me because of this, no one else will.” So, up the walls go. I think being emotionally honest and present (with yourself AND with another person) is the hardest thing to do. No exaggeration — I am light years away from accomplishing this, but I’m happy that I’ve finally learned this and I can work on it.

I think that the way to fix it, and to give your relationship a real shot, is to learn to trust yourself first. You need to get to a point where you *understand* (not just logically, but in your heart and in your gut) that no matter how much baggage you have, how much struggle you have, you are complete and whole and wonderful. You have to *understand* that no matter what struggles come your way (including a break up), you are worthy of love and belonging. Once you trust this, once you trust WHO you ARE, it is easier to lower the walls. Because at that point, your self-worth isn’t on the line.

On a personal note, my ex and I broke up because he couldn’t decide whether he loved me. We were together for a year and a half (We’ve been broken up for two years now). I loved him, and had been patient for too long — and yes, he had a ton of baggage. I wasn’t okay with the status quo, so I ended it. I stand by that decision. But in retrospect, I would have handled things differently before we broke up. After we had been together for around 9 months (like you), and he wasn’t sure if he loved me, I pulled away from him. I didn’t realize at the time that I pulled away, but I did. I was protecting myself. But that move of pulling away kept our relationship stagnant — so there was not growth between 9 months and 1.5 years. Now, if I hadn’t pulled away, the end result may have been the exact same. I’m fully aware of that. But I do know that he cared about me a lot, and how can you expect someone to love you if you aren’t willing to really show yourself to that person? If you aren’t willing to trust that person to care about you in your most vulnerable and honest state? If you aren’t willing to trust that you are enough, in all your messy glory, even if the relationship fails? He never saw me in a really vulnerable state. I wasn’t willing to risk it. The potential costs were too high for me at the time.

I don’t regret how things played out. I think we didn’t trust ourselves or each other enough to sustain a relationship. But I have learned a lot from it in retrospect and I hope to handle things in future relationships different than I did at the time. I hope I’m willing to keep my walls downs even when I feel vulnerable, and to face those scary situations by being honest with myself and my partner. Good luck.

Hi Alby!

I’m incredibly grateful for this post, and all of the responses. It’s refreshing to know that I am not the only person who has dealt with this (also a little creepy because it was like you were in my head!)

I haven’t quite figured out my situation yet, and it’s going on two years. We’re not quite dating, not not dating, head over heels for each other, all in a dysfunctional way. I have a luggage cart of emotional baggage, and he has an entire hotel’s worth. So it gets a bit tricky, especially when I do like you and pull away at the first chance of being vulnerable. I find myself also playing off of his emotions “he’s not in love with me? Then I’m not in love with him!” I’ve also nitpicked every action and took WAYYYY too much personally. But yet, we keep trying to power through it.

You mentioned your bottom line being the good always outweighing the bad, and that really struck me. That’s basically my personal motto with my crazy relationship, and I think it’s something that is very important. If you look at things from that perspective, what does it really matter that you haven’t told each other you love one another? Who cares if it’s been 3 months or 3 years..the important thing to remember here is- are you happy? And more importantly, are you happy with him?

I absolutely 100% understand the need for wanting to hear the words. Believe me. But perhaps look at things from an alternate perspective. Maybe the way you asked him, freaked him out. Maybe admitting to you, and himself, that he has deep feelings for someone terrifies him. Based on what you’ve said about the way you guys began, coupled with the emotional baggage, it’ seems the likely case. If he’s patiently stood by you while working through those stinky layers, he’s in it for the long haul. I think that speaks volumes.

My guy also somewhat demanded an answer of how I felt for him out of me and I can honestly say, it freaked me out and I said opposite of what I meant. I spoke rashly and thought only of protecting myself, and not the total outcome. This caused him to respond in a negative manner as well, leading to a huge fight (because even though I bruised his ego with my dishonest response, MY own ego was bruised now: “how could he NOT love me??!?”) and an awkward few weeks. But we worked through it, and I’m glad we did.

My long winded response to this may or may not have helped, but what I’m basically trying to say is: if you’re happy, what does it matter. Someone can say they love you and not mean it (and vice versa!) but if his actions and his compassion and his affection are there, then that should be proof enough. When he’s finally worked through his own walls, he will say it the right way. But I don’t think you should walk away and not give him that chance.

Good luck 🙂

So,
I really need help detangling the confusion in my mindabout 3&a half years ago I met my husbandI was kind of out playing the field and trying to get a feel for what was out there after ending a long term relationshipI had absolutely no intention of falling in love with my husband but once I met him everything was over for me all the other guys needed to go and I wanted him to stay at the beginning of our relationship everything was normal lovey dove and he seemed head over heals he was clingy and always concerned. Now I full expected that to die off as it did and that’s OK to a point. Two months after being together I did end up prego. even though I thought at the time I could it ended up I just had to keep the baby it was not an attempt to keep him traped. I just could not do do the alternative I did have two children already from my previous relationship and he was great to them (still is) everything was ok HOWEVER things quickly started to change rather it was him freaking out or feeling like now he had to stay or my hormones from being prego there was alway a lot of talk of breaking up. We never could actually do it so I’ll take you a few years ahead last year we moved our whole family across the country because I wanted to be closer to my mother (where we were I had no family all his family was there but not close to me at all so I was always scared if something happened I’d be alone with my children) so we move out here and I’m kinda getting tired of playing house and I feel like its time to get married he asked about a year prior after all my not so subtle hints. So there was basic lyrics a big fight because he said he wasn’t ready but I said I don’t care now or we need to be done. So he did. To the court house we went and signed the papers and that’s just about as much love there was to it. I always thought he would come around and tell me I deserved more let’s reschedule do it but I can’t tell the thought never crossed his mind. Hes kinda like there fine I did it shut up. A year after that here I am wondering what’s going on and the main reason for that is because over the last 3.5 years he has told me countless times through serious conversations or arguments that he loves me but it’s “all the way in love with me and says things like I’m try to be in love with you I’m learning” and my point is why stick around for the baby I guess he’s a good guy why move across country cause he’s a good guy why marry me just let me go then right? We always spent a lot of time together but would fight 1 time a month or 2 always over the same thing do you love me or not kinda thing I would make it easy for him I would never hurt him so I don’t understand why if I’m telling I understand if I’m not the one for you will he not let me go if he knows he’s not in love I personally feel like after almost 4 years you should no and if you don’t then clear you dont. Hes a wonderful man and I would take the hit on my heart if it mentioned him going and truly being happy with someone and I’ve told him this and he engages in the idea for a little bit but then comes to me and tells me he is in love with me then things go back to normal and again he accidentally says something like I’m trying to be in love with you and it just messes with my head what do I do do I walk away ? He even told me recently that he would rather stay for the next 10 years until the kids are old enough to understand and then move onso I’m like okay are you staying for the kids because I don’t feel like that is fair I’m playing for keeps I would like someone to be there after my kids are gone once we have our life back and it can be about us again I do not want to give someone the best years of my life and then have to try and find someone when I’m all old and Winkly I’m head over heals for him but I now feel myself pulling away because I feel I’ve worked so hard to be what he dreams of and I’m exhausted because after all this time it’s gotten me nowhereI do feel like I have been trying to earn the love of a man and it is an endless road with no reward at the endthere is many more details if any questions come up to help anyone figure this out with me