Dear Tricia:

I am trying to understand his lie: “I found out that he lied about the trip and was home the entire time.. it was completely unnecessary because I’ve always been supportive of him seeing his friends“-  the lie was that he would travel with friends. How was this lie supposed to pacify your alleged need that he does not see his friends?

anita

Dear Tricia

From your post you appear to be kind, understanding & supportive towards your boyfriend.

People who are in a tough place and feel pressurised (it can be hard to meet  what you think is everyones expectations or commitments.) even if there isn’t any, they may lie and then when they get caught out they have put them self into an even worse place.

I’m struggling to understand what’s happened to our relationship and also wondering if there are other lies. Has your trust in him/relationship been broken or is it dented? I would advise that you take this  time out as an opportunity to nurture yourself and find other things that give you joy & satisfaction so that you are in a stronger, better place no matter what the outcome of this particular episode  is.

Kind regards

Roberta

Hi Tricia

I understand very well the difficulties of a long distance relationship. Made even more difficult no doubt by the challenges your partner is facing. He sounds severely depressed.

How is he around birthdays? Does he face additional depression due to the occasion?

It is good that he doesn’t want to break up. I hope as his difficulties pass your relationship gets easier.

I think for someone who has a hard time letting you know when he needs time for himself and likes to bury his head in the sand, the lie makes sense. It would be difficult to have a conversation essentially rejecting a loving celebration. It would take some explaining and skilled communication. I would imagine he would be afraid of hurting you and damaging the relationship.

I have a question about handling challenges together. You mentioned that he likes to bury his head in the sand. How do you try and support him through his challenges?

Hi Tricia

It sounds like you’ve been incredibly supportive and don’t deserve the way you are being treat now. Stonewalling – refusing to discuss this issue is a form of abuse. Ignoring you while there are issues with your relationship is once again stonewalling. Lying to you about his trip, aka gaslighting is also a form of abuse.

I think it would be hasty to make any snap decisions about this. Has he already denied cheating on you?

I think the most honest answer you would get is if you messaged the woman in his pictures. I assume that she is tagged and in his friends list somewhere.

I don’t think giving ultimatums is a good strategy. There is a possibility that he may not be cheating. It could be another explanation. An adult man, with children would probably not have an interest in a long distance relationship if they had an in-person relationship. To do both at the same time would take a very cruel and cowardly character. How does your partner usually treat you?

Regardless, the way you are being treat right now is not okay. Good luck figuring it all out. Please take care of yourself through all this stress. ❤️

Dear Tricia:

I want to re-read all your posts and put all that you shared together before I comment further: your long-distance boyfriend of almost 3 years “has always been kind and loving” to you until May this year (3-4 months ago). Since May, he’s been depressed and struggling in regard to his personal life (work, children), and his behavior with you: “distant and pulling away“. He “asked for some space and said he wanted to work on things“. He’s gone on a few trips with his guy friends and disappeared from your life for days at a time.

Recently, you booked a trip to see him on his birthday weekend. He told you that “he was going away for the weekend with his friends” and texted you flight details of his trip to Spain, so you adjusted your trip schedule so to see him after his trip. During his birthday weekend, he told you all about his trip to Spain. Next thing, you found out that there was no trip, that he lied to you for days regarding planning and executing a trip that did not exist. (And I imagine that you didn’t travel to see him?) Next,  “he says he wants space and his feelings for me have changed (but he’s not really ready to breakup)“.

“When I asked him about (lying) he said he didn’t know why he did it… I tried to ask him about (another woman being in his life) and he shut down… I asked him if he’d been with someone else and he said no”.

And now, my understanding: he has “always been kind and loving” toward you until he wasn’t. This is how most love relationships end: they are loving until.. they are not.

It is possible that ever since May he’s been involved with another woman in one way or another, but he won’t tell you about it, and because he lied about his weekend trip, you know that it will not be out of character for him to lie about other things, such as about being involved with another woman.

At first he told you that he needed space “to work on things”, but he proceeded to work (or not work) on things without you. He did not try to work on things with you.

What is certain is that since May, for 3-4 long months,  he preferred to have less contact with you: he preferred to not communicate with you for days at a time during trips with his guy friends, and he preferred to not be with you during his birthday weekend. Most recently, “he says he wants space and his feelings for me have changed (but he’s not really ready to breakup)”, which certainly means that he prefers to have less- or no- contact with you.

“I’m struggling to understand what’s happened to our relationship and also wondering if there are other lies… I have more questions than answers… I don’t understand why he asked me for space if he’s seeing someone else… So I don’t know what to do now…I think I have to end this now… I need to move on but I’m so sad and shocked“-

-it is shocking to be betrayed by a person you trusted. He betrayed you, if not by cheating on you, then by not answering your valid questions (questions you have the right to ask and to be answered) and by lying to you. He betrayed you by omission (not telling you what you had the right to know) and by commission (lying).

Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who lived a very long time ago, wrote: “Circumstances don’t make the man, they only reveal him“. The changing circumstances of your boyfriend’s life, his struggle at work etc. (if indeed these were the reasons for his withdrawal from you) didn’t make him withdraw and lie to you; his changing circumstances revealed him: when difficult circumstances arise- he withdraws and he lies (and not just for a day or two, but for 3-4 month). So, now you know.

It means that, let’s say his work situation improves a lot, next time a different, difficult circumstance arises, it is not unlikely that he will withdraw from you again and lie again. If his circumstances improve… it doesn’t mean that his character improved, he is still the same person.

Epictetus also wrote: “Only the educated are free“- you are now educated about your boyfriend, having been given the opportunity to learn more about who he is. This education should free you from confusion.

“First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do“- if you would you like to be a strong (or stronger) woman, one who faces reality and reacts appropriately, showing respect to the truth and to yourself, then you know what you have to do…

anita