Dear Cali21:

I agree with you that he has “some sort of physical or emotional problem that would not allow him to feel passion or lust”- but not just for you, for any woman.

If he was able to feel passion and lust for other women, but not for you, he wouldn’t have gone on for five years with you and asked you to marry him. He would have looked for another woman with whom he felt passion.

Reads to me that he has a significant problem with physical intimacy and he knows it, that’s why he didn’t look for another woman, he knew all along that the problem is within him.

It may be, a possibility, as an example that he has this anger within him, anger at all women, and although he can display non sexual positive attention, affection and care to a woman, he can’t do that within the sexual context. The sexual context is too raw and too .. naked  for him to be able to put aside his anger. So within the sexual context, he disassociates, sort of becomes objective to the experience, making it a practical, nothing-personal kind of interaction.

Before I attempt to answer your question: “what would you do?”, I need to  know what you think about what I typed here.

anita

Dear Cali21:

Him being in his early 60s, having low testosterone and high blood pressure is important information in the quest of trying to understand him and the situation.

“He bragged plenty how he couldn’t take his hands off his ex girlfriend”- bragged plenty– that’s  insensitive, even cruel.

Can you tell me what did you say to him over the years regarding your sexual dissatisfaction and his unsatisfying performance?  (There is a possibility that you were insensitive to him as well, and maybe he reacted to your insensitivity with his own).

* I wish I didn’t have to ask questions on a matter that is so personal, but there is no way for me to understand better if I don’t ask. Answer only if you feel comfortable answering.

anita

Dear Cali21:

I am glad you “never bluntly or otherwise made him feel less of a man”. No doubt though that he knows that you are unsatisfied. Bragging that he “couldn’t take his hands off his ex girlfriend”, is his way to shift the blame for your sexual dissatisfaction to you, suggesting that it is you who is not turning him on, not that he is not capable of being turned on.

“so exactly why does he love me? as a roommate, or a sister, or a companion???”-

– seems to me that his sexual drive is very low, that he is uncomfortable regarding sex, that he is not interested in it and has it to get it over with and set it aside, and that he loves you like a companion.

He can’t help having a low sex drive, and he can’t help the fact that his high blood pressure doesn’t allow testosterone replacement therapy. There is nothing wrong with having a relationship, even marriage, that is not based on sex and does not include sex, if that’s okay with both parties.

I think that it is time for a serious conversation between the two of you, as calm a conversation as you can manage, aimed at getting the information that you need: is it indeed that he wants you as a companion- wife; is it that he would prefer to establish a non-sexual relationship with you; is it that he had been forcing himself to have sex with you so to get it out of the way for the next few days or a week.. exchange information, so that there is no guessing and no wrong assumptions made.

I’d say, if an honest, calm conversation like this can not happen, then a marriage between the two of you is a bad idea regardless of the sex issue.

anita

Dear Cali21:

You are welcome, thank you for wishing me to be safe, and same to you. Seems to me that not going ahead with the wedding is a good choice for you. Post again anytime you want to.

anita