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He left me for his Parents

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  • October 2, 2018 at 12:19 am #228545
    risha
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    How are u? just wanted to tell you that he has been calling me today since morning. Now its 12 noon and so far around six calls to my office phone. But I didn’t pick it up.

    I was sad that he never bothered to even call me but for today its been exactly two weeks since the last incident happened and I really don’t know why is he calling me. He was clear with his decision the other day or maybe he wants to check how I am.

    whatever the reason is I decided not to answer or respond to any of his communication. What do you think Anita?

    Risha

    October 2, 2018 at 6:58 am #228579
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Risha:

    I thought about you this morning before turning on the computer, planning on looking for your thread and posting an how-are-you message to you, and here you are!

    I am fine, thank you for asking. Regarding him calling you repeatedly. I think that it doesn’t matter whether you answer him or not. If you can emotionally handle it, then it doesn’t matter. It will not change the situation either way.

    So, yes, it doesn’t matter. It is up to you then. If you do talk to him, expect nothing, no big news, just some of the same-old-same-old with at best some interesting piece of news that will make no difference to your life. I suppose it is better that you don’t talk to him, but what I am saying is that it makes no practical difference to your life.

    anita

    October 2, 2018 at 10:17 am #228639
    Michelle
    Participant

    I feel you should ignore it. Responding shows (to him) that you care. It could be an ego boost he is looking for.

    But moreso for your own wellbeing, you may fool yourself into thinking there is something there that isn’t. The situation isn’t going to change and I feel talking to him will just prolong you from moving on.

    October 2, 2018 at 2:35 pm #228695
    Bubba
    Participant

    Risha,

    I just want to tell you to stay strong. I read your post and our stories are very similar. I read how you are feeling and the fact that you can’t understand how someone that showed you they loved you so much and told you they couldn’t see their life without you just flipped the switch on you suddenly. I’ve asked myself the same question multiple time and unfortunately do not have a confirmed answer but one thing I can tell you is he probably did not show it but he thought it out before he made the decision to end it. He never showed it but he evaluated the situation and went over it before he came to the decision. He did not just make the decision, he did it behind your back without showing it and talking to you.

    I know how painful this is, but realize that this man never truly meant what he said and his feelings fa were “conditional” while yours were unconditional. He is a “fake” and god or higher power removed him from your life because you deserve better. Everything happens for a reason is a good way to look at it. Even though you don’t see it now, there is a reason for everything.

    Sending you positive energy and healing. Over time the intensity of the pain fades and I am sure the more time that passes eventually our pain will subside completely.

    Remember one thing though, you can forgive but never forget how he treated you and that he left you. He wants you to be in his life secretly, that’s my opinion but don’t fall that low, you are so much better and you deserve a man that will stand up for you and love you regardless of other people’s opinions.

     

     

    October 2, 2018 at 8:39 pm #228733
    risha
    Participant

    Anita – Its so nice of you to think about myself.  I am touched by your words coz I always feel down thinking how someone you love so much treat you so badly as if all the years I spend with him doesn’t matter at all. but glad to know there’re good people in this world who cares for each an every soul eventhough they know a little about them.

    Yes Anita I didn’t answer because  I know I might have to listen to his sob story again and I am not gonna gain anything by that. But I was a bit worried also when he called me coz I really cant see people suffering and the attempt he takes to reach me etc.

    Sometimes I feel so am angry with him and  sometimes I feel sorry for him too after all what he did to me. I really don’t understand myself coz how can I be so caring towards the other person without even thinking  what I am going through because of him. This has always been the case – everytime I pushed him away he is restless and struggles to reach me so I didn’t want to hurt him coz I cared too much. But when he decided to move he didn’t even think twice about me and he said he cant help if got hurt by his decision so that proves he never felt sorry for me the way I did for him.

    No matter what I still do love him Anita and I miss him so much but it hurts to know that he’s with another person while am still suffering. The man who promised me he would stick with me till the end.

    Michelle – I totally get your point talking to him will hurt me even more I am not in a situation where I can cope anything negative and hurtful. I find myself so weak and I look so pale. it was so depressing to see myself in the mirror yesterday coz I look so sick I felt so sorry for myself. I have always been a very strong person who took care of myself. But today every person who sees me asks ‘Are you ok, u look unwell’ So that shows how much I have been suffering mentally and physically where others could also notice the change.

    Bubba – Thanks for reading my post – ‘He evaluated the situation and went over it before he came to the decision. He did not just make the decision, he did it behind your back without showing it and talking to you’ – This statement of you is so true that’s why am so hurt the betrayal and pretending to be it was a proposal and in few months he decides she can be his life partner whereas knowing me for 7 years he couldn’t do any justice for me. I have no words to explain how much it hurts.

    Yes he wants to have contacts with me secretely. He has been dragging this so long coz he wanted his parents and me both he couldn’t take a decision all these years and finally decided to please them by finding a person as per their choice while he still wants me to accept him and forgive him and still to have contacts with him. So that he has everyone by his side and he can live Happily ever after. But that way doesn’t work with me. The day I found he cheated me I seriously don’t want to be a part of his life.

    By the way Anita /Michelle/Bubba – When he called me at one point I did think should I answer and tell him all I what I feel because no matter what there’re loads of untold things to him which is buried deep down me. I can share only half of the story with u’ll and my friends but there’re loads of things where I cannot share with any of you other than him. But I couldn’t do that.

    So I felt if its ok to send that email which I was trying to send few days back – I know I’m not gonna gain anything from it, I don’t want to make him feel bad or I don’t want him to be sad, regret or anything. I just want to tell him whatever that’s in my heart and release it for my ownself and I will tell him clearly I don’t need any response to it.

    I really dunno if its an good idea or not, please advice

    Risha

     

    October 3, 2018 at 5:52 am #228777
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Risha:

    I appreciate your kind words! After I posted to you yesterday, while on a walk away from the computer, I thought to myself that I was wrong: if you answered him and talked with him, it could make a practical difference in your life. After all… I thought to myself, maybe he will ask you for money, needing money for this or that and maybe, just maybe you will give him that money. That would make a practical difference in your life. Sure, that would be foolish, unimaginable.. but life is often enough stranger than fiction.

    Then I read your recent post: “I feel sorry for him… No matter what I still do love him.. and I miss him so much”. Last month you wrote: “I feel there’s some stubbornness in me which is holding me back to move on. I still enjoy living in that fairy tale world”.

    If that fairy tale world overflows into real world, it is possible that indeed he will ask you for money to perhaps finance a better honeymoon with his chosen wife and you might give it to him. I cringe as I think of that. And so, I changed my mind and agree with Michelle, that you should ignore any and all his efforts to contact him, not responding to him and not communicating with him at all.

    Regarding the email you are re-considering, I say No then. Not a good idea. No communication at all on your part. Shouldn’t he suffer or enjoy the consequences of his actions? He chose to leave you. Don’t give him the attention he doesn’t deserve from you. Let him get his needed attention, and whatever else he needs, from the woman he chose.

    anita

     

    October 3, 2018 at 4:28 pm #228907
    Bubba
    Participant

    Risha,

    In my opinion I wouldn’t answer the calls and I would cut all of communication with him. I say this because if I could go back in time and take some stuff back that I did such as cry, express my deep love to my ex, intercourse, asking him was he sure, basically begging and trying to understand why he made such a choice I wouldn’t have done it look back in hindsight. The reason I say this is because you show him you are available to him, you show him that even if he treats you bad you are there and “can’t” see your life without him. Don’t give him that satisfaction. Trust me he knows how you feel and he knows what he did to you. If anyone should be spilling their feelings, it should be him. He is the bad guy in this situation and by telling him how you feel it will only boost his ego and you’ll be putting him on a pedestal. From experience I say don’t answer any calls, don’t send emails, don’t answer texts. This gives you some points and you have some power once you don’t respond. As soon as you respond the ball is in his court once again. He doesn’t deserve you because he is not a good man.

    October 3, 2018 at 4:44 pm #228911
    Michelle
    Participant

    Totally agree with both Bubba and Anita – do not respond. You will only regret it. When I wrote my ex after he messaged me, I told him how I felt and how hurt I was by his actions. His final text to me was just: “You should know I’m not good at texting or explaining myself”. A two-year relationship devolved to that. No apology. No admission or acknowledgement that what he did was terribly wrong. It was pathetic. I ended up feeling more used.

    Your heart wants you to write him with the (faint) hope that things will change. But they won’t. You will end up walking away feeling dehumanized (this is the most accurate word I can think of to describe this unique situation … it is totally dehumanizing to be left this way, like one is an inanimate object that can be replaced with another model).

    Your mind wants you to cease all contact. It knows you need to start taking baby steps to letting go.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Michelle.
    October 3, 2018 at 8:50 pm #228931
    risha
    Participant

    Hi Anita, Michelle & Bubba,

    I totally understand what each one of you have explained. But my concern is that I couldn’t tell him ‘that I know this girl was not a proposal’ I found out so many things as what he was doing with her while he was with me. I want him to know that I know everything that he did while I was trusting him. He is conveniently pretending its a proposal and moving on pretending he’s innocent. He must be laughing at my foolishness. So that’s the reason I want to tell him what I found about him.

    The day I met him I did tell him that I know this girl she’s someone who worked in one of our office project. Then he was quiet but i didn’t question him further because at that time he did tell me that he will try to speak to his parents and stop it. After I came home and when he refused my proposal and told he cant do anything I told it’s fine he can go ahead with it. Thereafter I sent him a voice note explaining him that I kind of know its not a proposal. but unfortunately those voice notes aren’t  clear coz even I couldn’t hear it by myself so I don’t think he heard me properly. This is what is bothering me.

    He also told me that we lost each other and we are not able to be together in this world. But for sure we will be together in our next birth. As a Muslim I do not believe in next birth. But this is the value he gave me to meet him during his next birth. Those words hurt me a lot because it was clear that he cannot do anything for me further.

    I know nothing will change by me sending the email but don’t u think he should know that I am aware of all the cheating that he did while with me? and I surely know that he wouldn’t respond and I am not expecting a reply.

    But if you still say its not advisable then I will not send. because I’m still confused. I am sorry if I am acting like a kid.

    Risha

     

    October 4, 2018 at 1:34 am #228949
    risha
    Participant

    By the way Anita,  Since you have mentioned about the money – I have helped him plenty of times with money. but everytime he borrows he makes sure that he returns to me as soon as possible except for one instance where he forgot and I too didn’t bother to remind him because it was not a big amount. But that I think he didn’t do it purposely he simply forgot I guess.

    Also today I got a notification saying his new GF have viewed my LinkedIn profile. I have deactivated all my social media accounts. However since I’m not active on linkedin I totally forgot about it. I was very irritated to see her name and to know that she had tried to view my profile.

    October 4, 2018 at 5:30 am #228957
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Risha:

    Maybe it is okay to send him a one time message, one where you are not asking for a response. Not only you will not be asking for a response, but you can state: this is my one and only, last communication to you. Do not respond to me! However you send it, block him from responding if possible. If he tries somehow anyway, do not respond to him. Will that be satisfactory to you?

    I wonder, and let me know what you think of it, if you should send this message indicating his deceit, not only to him but copy it to his girlfriend? Maybe this information of his deceit, as long as it is true, will be helpful to her. I wonder if you should copy it to his parents as well. Your thoughts?

    anita

    October 4, 2018 at 9:44 am #228993
    risha
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Copying the email to others is something I wouldn’t do and I know you were just trying to tell me that its not a good idea at all.

    So I get it and I agree with you because today I saw his pics posted in different places and I think he’s hanging out with that girl and looks very happy.  I was very hurt to see how conveniently he has moved out. So I feel not to send the email bcoz I m very disappointed about his behavior.

    Its ok I decided not to tell him anything at all. I have to accept that its over now. I have to think hard and wake up from my fairy tale world and face the reality I guess.

    Thank you Anita your advise  helped me a lot. I have no close friends except for my family. I wish if I had friends like you Michelle and Bubba in real life because u’ll are so kind and I love u all !

    I will keep you posted as how I feel, Until then take care!

     

     

     

     

    October 4, 2018 at 9:58 am #228999
    Bubba
    Participant

    Risha,

     

    I don’t think that it’s a good idea to send the e-mail and here is why… He is very well aware of how unfair, sneaky and terrible of a person he was.  Sending him that e-mail would show him even more that he hurt you deeply and that you care. It’s unfortunate but some people get satisfaction watching or knowing other people suffer emotionally because of them. They feel powerful. Please remember that you lived happily before him and you will after him. Just think of it this way, if he can live without you then you can live without him. The fact that he hurt you so much and treated you terribly after all this happened shows that something is wrong with his reality and his emotions. It shows that he doesn’t care. Sometimes we think that the person was our true love because they treated us so well but in reality that was maybe the best treatment we have had and we think that’s all their is but in reality there is so much better. You will survive this and get through this pain. He is not worth your tears!

     

     

    Love ove you too!

    October 4, 2018 at 10:34 am #229007
    risha
    Participant

    Hi Bubba,

    Yes ‘He is very well aware of how unfair, sneaky and terrible of a person he was’ – I know deep down his heart he knows what he did. One day he will realize it by that time I would have moved out totally.

    Anyway I don’t want to hate him or feel angry towards him because I truly loved him. I can be happy at least he’s back with his family. If he had chosen  me he would have lost them. So if he’s happy with his choice and decision then that’s it. It’s definitely a good bye from me coz I don’t want to be a part  of his life anymore nor do I wanna have any connections.

    It is very hard to move on because I am very hurt the way things ended up. But I have forgiven him. I think that way I can have a peace of mind. But I will make sure he can never reach me again coz if he does I will be weak again.

    Yes I have lost my Dad and if I can live without him then I should be able to make up my mind as nothing remains permanent in this world.

    Thanks again Bubba…really appreciate you advise. Will get back to u soon take care.

    Risha

    October 4, 2018 at 10:48 am #229011
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Risha:

    I sincerely asked you in my last post to you what you think about copying such an email to his girlfriend and maybe to his parents as well. I didn’t suggest you do so, or that you don’t. Instead I brought it up as a possibility for you to consider. The purpose for such is not to punish him or anyone else, but regarding his girlfriend, since she is aware of you and checked your Linkedin, maybe she herself is concerned about his honesty and your truthful input may have been helpful to her.

    Reads to me that you made up your mind to not send any email to him and have no contact with him. I think it is a good choice to “make sure he can never reach me again coz if he does I will be weak again”. And so, I wish you more strength. Anytime you’d like to post, please do.

    anita

     

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