Home→Forums→Relationships→He left me for his Parents
- This topic has 202 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 5 months ago by Noor.
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September 26, 2018 at 10:13 am #227633AnonymousGuest
Dear Risha:
I don’t think it was a mistake that you met him that last time, asking him to change his mind and marry you. If you didn’t, you might have regretted not having done so. Meeting him that one time didn’t harm you because it wasn’t what caused him to proceed with his plan to marry this other woman. It made no difference in what was to happen next. But at least you know that you asked. You received his No and were shocked by it. Soon enough, that shock will stop shocking you as reality sinks in.
I understand that you are 39 and age is something to consider as we plan our future in regard to career and relationships. But I assure you, it is not too late for you to find love, the love all of us humans need.
anita
September 26, 2018 at 6:37 pm #227711MichelleParticipantHi Risha – I can assure you that it will, eventually, get better. You are still in the eye of the storm. You will one day laugh, instead of cry, at your ex. He chose what was easy. He rejected love. Love is something that every human desires and needs. Love is what makes life worth living. I don’t care what the cultural background is, I believe this to be a universal truth.
Change will eventually come but in the meantime, lean into your feelings. Cry. Get it all through your system. It will decrease over time. Don’t deny what you are feeling because you are being true to yourself. You have been hurt and need to learn from it. Denying your emotions will just prolong that.
You’re not old … I’m 38 (no kids)! Granted, I come from a different culture but I don’t believe a woman’s age determines their worth in life. You are clearly intelligent, friendly and have a lot going for you. Don’t place your value into not having a husband or children. There are many, many ways in which you can lead a good life and give back to the world. The traditional way is not the only way. My home country, Canada, is very open to newcomers and immigrants. You might be able to find success here. Having said that, if you are drawing a good salary in your home country, start saving and take a wonderful holiday. I travel solo a lot. It’s a great way for a woman to experience growth, comfort and trust in themselves.
Here are some reading suggestions. As you read them, please note how similar all of the stories are. You are not alone:
– Google “arranged marriage tinybuddha” and read the links. There are numerous threads on this site detailing a similar situation to what we’ve experienced. Here are a few:
https://tinybuddha.com/topic/losing-my-boyfriend-to-an-arranged-marriage/
https://tinybuddha.com/topic/he-left-me-after-7-years-together-for-conservative-parents-help-me-please/
– http://madh-mama.blogspot.com/2015/07/when-your-indian-boyfriend-leaves-you_31.html
– This website has a number of interesting articles, just search: https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com
https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/205041-arranged-marriage-broke-us-up
https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/114882-arranged-marriage-how-can-anyone-go-through
September 26, 2018 at 8:24 pm #227715rishaParticipantDear Anita,
Many thanks yes I actually will have no regrets thinking that I at least tried.
By the way he has posted pics with his family saying ‘my beloved family’ those were the people who hurt me and threatened me, those were the people he left me for but he still decides to hurt me by uploading those as if he’s so happy and my presence or disappearance does not matter to him at all. Like I was a bad experience.
Its really ok Anita that’s his family and I am glad that he’s happy with them and I’m glad I gave their son back to them if I was selfish I could have convinced him initially to marry me and leave his parents. But I know the value of a family I have lost my father and I Know the pain so I didn’t want him lose his parents because of me. But what it hurts is he knows why I pushed him away he knows how his family treated me, he knows he couldn’t do any justice for me but doesn’t care how I feel and what I am going through. Just doing his own thing.
Anyway all his behaviour is a shock for me indeed. He’s not the person whom I knew when he was with me. I trusted him more than myself but he has dragged me into a level where I cant stand up. he knows I have nobody closer to me other than my Mom. He knows the commitments I have. But still decides to live his own life whereas I always thought and did things not to hurt him and harm is family. Such a cruel world.
I know its not advisable for me to check his profile coz ultimately I am the one who will get hurt. But I couldn’t help myself.
All these years the drama saying he cannot live without me, he will never leave me, if I leave him he will harm him self. wow I was such a fool to fall for him I thought he was sensitive. He did all these to keep me close to him. now I realize he’s very smart and he would have never harmed himself I could have walked out long long time ago.
Now I have to come into terms that he’s not worth it. Its very hard for me but I know God will help me to be stronger.
Hope all ok at your end Anita? You take care.
Risha
September 26, 2018 at 8:40 pm #227717rishaParticipantHi Michelle yes his heart knows how much I loved him but he decided to leave me for other reasons. I very hardly like someone and when I do I will give my heart and soul to do anything for them.
I am sad but I am glad that I don’t have a selfish heart and God will someday give me what I deserve.
As mentioned in my previous reply to Anita I have mentioned that he has posted pictures with his family so that too have hurt me and now I realized I was never important to him. Yes I cry much as I can if not everything will be stuck inside me.
So you’re 38. We are in the same range and I am glad to know that. I find you as a strong person who has overcome your bad relationship and your words are very encouraging it helps me a lot.
Yes marriage is not in my books right now but I have to find some options to move out somewhere and start a new life. Travelling is a great idea yes I should try it.
Thanks Michelle for sharing the links with me. I really appreciate it. I shall go through it and let you know.
U take care
Risha
September 27, 2018 at 4:40 am #227749AnonymousGuestDear Risha:
He told you repeatedly that he can’t live without you and you believed him, that his need for you is a permanent need, that he really will never leave you. You tested him over the years, pushing you away and he kept coming back to you, so you trusted that he will never leave you. The title of your thread is “He left me”, that was/ is the shocker.
Of course breakups happen every day, people leave, hearts break, but your pain is no less for it, it hurts no less than if your breakup was unique, only one of it in the whole wide world.
Are you really planning on traveling or living elsewhere? Where in the world would it be?
anita
September 27, 2018 at 5:05 am #227753rishaParticipantHi Anita I still cant believe what happened to him. He always made me believe that important to him even the day he called me n told abt the proposal he made me feel important. After that the day i met him the last time he knew that i got to knw about this girl that its not a proposal and after i proposed him that will marry thats where he changed and acted as a stranger. I can never forget how he treated me the last time.
About me travelling i love to travel around bur right now what i need the most is move out and live somewhere else for sometime. Im planning to move for higher studies so that it will keep me occupied still not planned where to i have few places im my mind but to work on them i do not have a clear mind. I wamt to totally experience something new if i stay in my home country i will end up crazy. Maybe uk,Aussie,canada but i knw the procesd might take time but hamgoning toy present place is so difficult. I just hate coming to work. Everytime my extension rings i think its him and i get disappointed.
I dunno day by day its becoming harder for me Anita. Please excuse me for any errors im typying while am travelling
September 27, 2018 at 8:32 am #227773AnonymousGuestDear Risha:
Your typing errors are excused!
UK, Australia, maybe Canada- how exciting! Think of it, how big the world is, so much bigger than the story of you and him. So many places, so many people, so many new experiences you are yet to experience!
Clear mind is a good thing, crazy (“if I stay in my home country I will end up crazy”) is not a good thing. Clear mind-good, crazy- not good, not in this context.
anita
September 27, 2018 at 8:39 am #227775rishaParticipantYes Anita no matter how big the world is he’s no more in my life which makes me sad. I know its’s over but i still cant make up my mind.
Risha
September 27, 2018 at 8:52 am #227777AnonymousGuestDear Risha:
The world is big, but the world each one of us lives in is as big as the distance between our ears. And the most powerful part of that in-between-the-ears world is our experience as children with our parents. And so, your ex boyfriend’s world was established way before he met you. This is why he “left (you) for his Parents”, the title of your thread. This is why perhaps you wrote Parents with a capital P. For a person, his parents are God, capital G, capital P.
There was not, is not a clear separation for him between himself and his parents. He negotiated a compromise of sorts, chose a woman young enough to satisfy them, financially established enough to satisfy himself.
If I was to go back in time and was dating or available to date men, I would first learn about the man’s relationship with his parents, past and present, that will give me the information I need about the nature of his world, the world in-between-his ears, and I would choose based on that, to proceed or to stop.
anita
September 27, 2018 at 9:14 am #227783rishaParticipantYes I understand Anita. I have no choice other than making up my mind. Thank you u so much for all the advises Anita really appreciate it.
Catch u soon Tc
September 27, 2018 at 10:04 am #227787AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Risha. Anytime you want, post and I will reply.
anita
September 28, 2018 at 12:14 am #227865rishaParticipantSure Anita, What I feel is I am repeating the same thing over and over again and even you too would have nothing to say. No matter how many advises I get its me who has to make up my mind. I really appreciate all your advices and words it helped me a lot to think in a different way.
But no matter what I still feel so low and down I just don’t understand as how to move on. Everytime I think he’s with another person now it hurts me very badly coz I never expected things to happen this fast and that I will be left out without any clue.
I don’t know how long it would take to recover. I feel nobody can help me. I just hate myself and this world. I wish if tomorrow never comes coz I’m scared to live my life this way.
Risha
September 28, 2018 at 4:26 am #227893AnonymousGuestDear Risha:
“left without any clue”- but you do have a clue now, you do understand what happened.
“even you would have nothing to say”- I doubt it. Seems like I always have something to say, or type, more accurately.
“no matter what I still feel so low and down”- I know what you mean. Since you can’t change how you feel, better accept it. Make the best of your life while feeling “low and down”. One day you will no longer feel low and down, you will no longer feel anything at all because there will no longer be a you. For now, live. Learn and live, endure and hope for a better day.
anita
September 28, 2018 at 10:26 am #227955rishaParticipantHi Anita,
‘Seems like I always have something to say, or type, more accurately’ – Yes you do and I really appreciate your advises.
‘One day you will no longer feel low and down, you will no longer feel anything at al’l – I wish I can feel this way soon as possible.
Your words are encouraging Anita, I will try my best to come out of this mess.
Please keep in touch coz you’re such a wonderful person – I will get back to you soon. Until then please take care of yourself.
Risha
September 28, 2018 at 12:23 pm #227983AnonymousGuestDear Risha:
Thank you for asking me to take care of myself, how kind (I am touched!)
I hope you will feel better soon. But don’t try too hard. When feelings are concerned, giving up trying works better than trying much of the time, at least. It works that way.
anita
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