It really is very sad. I like to think that if I can do as much healing within for myself step by step, then hopefully when I get the opportunity and blessing to have children properly next time, I can encourage them and show them how important it is to love themselves. I would love to lead by example to them from my own experiences and show/teach them what outside society lacks. That is my hope.

Oh gosh, yes that statement is very telling. I obviously only heard his version of events and he initially played it down I feel. However when he referenced it as a divorce and I noticed his passive aggressive tone when referring to her as time progressed, I sensed more strongly that it affected him more than he had let on. He also still had the vet’s business card on the side of his fridge for their cat, it’s something he obviously didn’t want to let go of….gosh I feel so silly for not raising all these little things I perceived! I’ve learned a lot from just this small situation within the whole context, that I must stand in my own power and be assertive when something makes me feel uncomfortable. Hindsight is 20/20.

Thank you for saying that. I have actually been berating myself for thinking too much actually, as I’ve been trying to put everything into a whole picture (ruminating a lot!) so that I’m able to see where we both weren’t showing up for ourselves and each other. It’s been very very painful though. But it’s starting to help me to stop taking all the responsibility for his actions and behaviour on my shoulders. Due to the contradictory reasons he gave, I’ve had to look at the seemingly smaller remarks and non verbal behaviour to give myself a bigger perspective on him, rather than just the rose tinted glasses that I refused to take off.

You are absolutely correct about an anxious, yet loving and kind parent. Both my parents were anxious in different ways and actually showed it very boldly thinking back on it now. My mother is the eldest of 2 girls, but my grandparents always seemed to favour/praise my aunt, much more than they did my mum. They didn’t do this intentionally, but my mum clearly developed a sense of being second best early on in her life and this has continued until the present day. My mum never stood up to my dad when she was treated poorly and given silent treatment for days, even when they were dating. My dad would make inappropriate comments about other women and flirt in front of my mum in the early days, which I only came to find out later on. My mum always puts herself second to everyone in her life and ended up starting an affair with a married colleague back in 2004, which I believe is still going on to this day. She sobbed in my arms a few years ago about just wanting someone to love her and that she wishes she was dead as she feels she is ‘nothing’. I tried to get her help from the doctor but without her consent, the doctor couldn’t get her to go in for a talk. It’s as though she feels like life is supposed to be full of misery and just accepting the crumbs.

My father suddenly passed away in 2013 but had been spending half the years in Thailand away from my mum due to their constant disagreements and my mum’s refusal for a divorce (based on the grounds that she felt too embarrassed to go through with it and possibly start from scratch). Thailand was his happy place where he felt free and happy. Here he felt trapped and miserable, knowing my mum was having an affair, but she repeatedly denied it and just cried every time he confronted her. My dad wasn’t one to praise me or my brother and rarely said he loved us. He showed it by buying us gifts etc. He was very protective of me as a teenager when it came to me being in contact with a guy, however when I was in my 20’s, he seemed very keen for me to have a boyfriend, asking me regularly when he called if I had got one yet. The pressure of being single was a quite a lot yet I had no idea how to date healthily.

My younger brother is also troubled when it comes to forging romantic relationships. He also clings to old friendships that no longer are 50/50 and fights tooth and nail to get them to treat him as well as he treats and considers them. This has been a huge disappointment in his life when his oldest friends move on and don’t contact him. We have both tended to end up with people who are emotionally troubled and who lean on us for support. We both had adopted a ‘I can help them’ approach, however now my brother has completely closed himself off to any potential romantic relationship. He has a ‘I don’t care and can’t be bothered because people just disappoint me’ attitude now, which is so sad to hear him say….but it is exactly the feeling that I have on and off very recently now. We are both very sensitive and caring, easily get hurt/disappointed and over give ourselves. I think our traits say a lot about our parents relationship and individual attitudes.

I know I have subconsciously picked up my mum’s approach to romantic relationships but I vow to myself that I will have a different story and history will not continue to be repeated.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by RebirthandRestart2018.

Hi anita

You are right. It is very easy for us to think that other people seem to have it all sussed and are accepted in every way naturally by their spouses. It’s easy to fall into the ego’s trap of making us feel ‘less than’ these other women. But awareness is key in the first step to healing.

My heart lifted reading your words, thank you so much. I am making a commitment to myself, for the first time in my entire life. I know there will be mistakes and disappointments along the way, but I have started making pages of notes and reminders in a notebook that I can refer to when I am unsure and need to ‘check in with myself’. It’s the start of a new journey of not internalising blame and rejection. I’m an empath also, which makes it challenging, but I’m learning about my sensitivities that I now know isn’t a weakness, but a gift that I can learn to use to my advantage as time progresses. I’m learning to take the pressure off of myself!

Does this sound similar to what you started doing in your journey? I’d love to hear more about how you came to realise things needed to change in your life and where you are at now?