He doesn't feel a spark?

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This topic has 33 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 10, 2017 at 9:15 am #163322

Anonymous
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Dear laelithia:

You are welcome.

You wrote: “I feel this is what I must do, that I must change my focus from others to myself”, and you proceed with describing how indeed, it is he who is your focus: “as soon as I wake up, I think of him“.

“I’ve thought about asking to meet with him, to explain my perspective and to express my desire that it’s either now or never…”-

Your perspective should be your center, your priority, what you base your actions on. Your perspective should not be something for him, a stranger, almost, to consider, to accept or reject.

“I do not feel comfortable with a month off, as in that time I will heal, and I do not want to work so hard to get over someone, and then have them come back when it is too late”- your healing will take way longer than a month, for you to value your perspective so much that you do not need to present it to a stranger for his appraisal.

“I asked the universe (I am not religious) last night for piece of mind”- I know it is a typo, but you do need a piece of mind where you are the center, where your perspective matters, and then you will have that peace of mind you need.

In practical terms, it doesn’t matter if you wait for a month or not, no difference to your healing. But it may make you feel better to not wait, so don’t wait that month, contact him if you’d like. It doesn’t really matter because your healing has nothing to do with him and it is not up to him.

anita

August 10, 2017 at 12:43 pm #163334

laelithia
Participant

Oh, Anita, you’re so right. I’m so frustrated with my contradictory mindset, I want so badly to be congruent. I want to be able to say to myself “it is over, he is not important, move on” and have it happen. I want so badly not to care what he/his friends/my friends/my family thinks, and just focus on me and becoming the person I am meant to. Instead, I am obsessed, it does not feel healthy. I am obsessed with thoughts of “what could have been”, of him wanting me and me being the one to reject him, or of both of us entering in a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship. I’m obsessed with any outcome other than what it is now.

I can see so clearly that it is not really about him that I am upset about (just like the last one), but rather the chain of events, that I so deeply want to undo. I would not be surprised if he has not thought of me at all, and yet every minute that I do not call or message him feels like fighting some sort of addiction. I don’t even know what I would say, but the overwhelming desire to do something to change his mind/”fix” it is beyond distracting. I want so desperately to cleanse myself of this desperation. I find it ridiculous that he is not even in my life at all physically, yet he/the situation is dominating me psychologically.

I want so deeply to be able to trust myself, my instincts, my actions and behaviours. To know what to do, what is best for me. But I feel so disturbed that I don’t feel like I know. One one hand it seems counterproductive to contact him, and on the other, it seems necessary. I desperately want to choose what is best for me, not him, but I don’t know what that is anymore.

August 10, 2017 at 11:27 pm #163384

jon kirkham
Participant

I’m not exactly an expert on relationships. But I do have a fair bit of experience. Especially when it comes to chasing what I want; love with somebody I connect both mentally and physically. By the way the physical can’t be had without the mental connection to begin with.

Anyway: in the present I assume you desire love and a committed relationship? If you can muster the courage and acknowledge what it is you want and why it is you want this, then this might help you a little. It’s just there is a lot here to read and I have skimmed some of it. Interested me to hear about your mind set and some of the causes and different paths you have available. From my experience it is just about working out what you want, and why you actually want it. For me it is due to not having a loving or nurturing upbringing. Missing and lacking love in life can’t always be reciprocated unfortunately. Connecting with 1sepf is important. But until you’ve fully connected with every aspect of yourself then it makes it much harder to find that with another individual.

And going over ‘what ifs’ is far from helpful. You are in the present. The past is helping you learn. You don’t know what the future is going to bring for you. And that is hard to think about and acknowledge. Which is why it is so important to to work on yourself in the present. Look at the positives. Be thank ful. And if there are things you want in your life, then once you’ve worked out what these are, then work out why they are wanted or needed. Then you can start putting things in place to make things work. But still be in the present and believe you can do it. So appreciate yourself for taking these steps. B
It takes a great deal of time to get to know ourselves, let alone another individual. So go easy on yourself and don’t forget that you are living your life

August 11, 2017 at 6:26 am #163422

Anonymous
Guest

Dear laelithia:

I believe the hurt child in you is still hurting and that hurt pours itself into the present, fueling your obsessive thinking. It is that hurt projecting itself into the present, making the present mean what it does not mean. That hurt needs to be attended to so that it stops screaming for your attention in the ways that it does.

This is why I suggested you express your feelings in the language of a young child, so to attend to that hurt.

These last two men in your lives have been in your life for such a short time, both physically intimate very quickly and both were not very meaningful, in themselves. It is only your pre-existing hurt that colors these relationships with meaning. So the meaning is in your brain only, not in the men’s brains.

As I wrote to you before, you can go on year after year, decade after decade, a whole lifetime, reliving this very experience, having these kinds of quick, meaningless relationships, being obsessed about each one. And that is it, nothing else. Or you can attend to your early hurt. Do you think it is a choice that you can make?

anita
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