Hi Bleedlove,

I actually am going through something like this but I have the guy’s perspective (or at least my own). A girl I was seeing for two years whom I really do love and think is just awesome…decided she didn’t see a future with me while we were in a long distance situation. At the time I was out of the country and had to focus on work and staying sane. Her decision blindsided me and I didn’t ask her to explain and just stopped talking to her, emailing, etc. I was super hurt by it but I was trying to respect her decision as an individual. One of the great parts of a relationship is knowing that someone else wants to be with you by their own free will. In my mind, if I had fought for her, I wouldn’t be respecting her as a woman, as a person and as a thinking, intelligent individual. It’s been a number of months and I miss her every day and constantly think about her. I can’t claim to know her reasons, what she was thinking…nothing. I am lost. My question for you is this: Did you break up with him as some sort of test? As in did you end your relationship silently hoping he would fight for you? Someone sending dramatic romance laced emails and frantic texts may be ‘fighting’ for you, but a guy who keeps silent and holds his pain inside can be loving you just as much if not more. The best thing you can do here is to contact him and ask for his opinion on the matter. I didn’t have this benefit and my ex girlfriend never asked me how I felt about her, or what my plans were with her…and in her mind she didn’t think I liked her at all when in fact I believe she is the best woman I have ever been with and I can’t stop thinking about her. If you really want to be with this guy, then be with him and don’t ‘test’ him. If you really don’t want to be with him and that’s why you broke up with him, then please (as a guy) don’t do the “let’s be friends” thing. As a guy who has gone through this, it is really painful when a woman you love wants to keep you in her life but only in the limited way she chooses, which only serves to bolster irrational hope for the guy, but ultimately will just drive him crazy. Just my two cents.

TL/DR: He could love you more than you know and maybe he just respects you as a woman and as an intelligent individual capable of making her own decisions.

Hi Bleedlove,

I’m glad to hear it sounds like you’re moving on well. He may have actually just not cared as you said. But I hope my situation enlightened you to the idea that maybe us guys are bad with emotions and the best answer is never games but blunt direct communication. If my ex had told me she thought we had issues I would have been surprised but I would have been honest enough with her that maybe should wouldn’t have spent months making our problems unfixable in her mind. I’m not sure that would have worked but I have a lasting sadness that she never simply asked me.

Hi Dreaming,

I know because she told me. She ended things and I was in self protection mode in my job OCONUS and just couldn’t deal with both situations, when I returned to the states I told her again that I never wanted to stop dating her and that I loved her. So she told me that in her mind I didn’t think she was pretty or great or anything. Nothing was further from the truth. I wouldn’t date a girl for two years that I wasn’t crazy about and I showed my love in a practical ways like getting her supplies for her classroom when she complained about being out…I had a bad engagement end as well and I’m a bit scarred from it and don’t toss the L word around lightly. I told her this and thought she knew it but again, communication isn’t always so clear and it could have been solved by a few very candid talks but I didn’t recognize there was an issue and she didn’t tell me. I’m currently going through the process of blaming myself over and over again but I think she would have had your same thoughts initially, that I didn’t care at all. The truth is I care more than I think she will ever fully know but I didn’t communicate that effectively while I had the chance and she didn’t bother telling me until after she ended it. I think I’ll repeat myself and say that games and such are never good, if you want a relationship with a guy but you feel there are problems, sit him down and don’t let him leave until you have honest answers (we will talk), because like me, he may not even recognize something is wrong and it would be a shame to waste a potentially beautiful relationship when it’s a simple issue that could be fixed but instead it cascades into something irreparable.