Dear yellow,

You deserve way better.

More than a year ago, i ended a 5.5 year relationship because he disrespected me and i have zero tolerance for that kind of behavior. We had been drifting away because of various reasons but never had i expected such awful behavior from him. He never apologized for it though. Now getting back to your situation – you’ve been with this man for a year – he called you a slut, whore, retard and even hit you (apparently because he was immature and had his problems). Then he broke up with you because you were an insecure person and a whole lot of other reasons.

My God, you’ve already had this much bullshit in such a short time. And now he’s been reformed, sends you messages all the time, wants to meet – all of the past will be magically forgotten? The way he emotionally and physically abused you is unacceptable.

I am sorry to say this but just because you’re 27 years and scared of being alone, doesnt mean you settle for anything that you get. Yes, people are imperfect but this is too much. Why settle for a man like this? Never trust a man who hit you and disrespected you. Please, run from this person as far as you can!! He cant be trusted and you have a whole life ahead of you. Dont do this to yourself. You’ve just been with him for a year. How much do you really know about an entire life-time anyway?

Marriage is a very serious decision and requires more deliberation. You barely know this fellow for even 2 years and he’s already done enough damage. There are much better guys out there to fulfill your needs of having a family and kids – do you really want the kids to have a father like that? who used to hit their mother? what guarantee do you have he wont hit them or abuse them? You cant subject yourself to this. Do you honestly think that once life throws its stresses at him again, he wont take his frustrations out on you? Believe me, you’ll find much better than this when you are really ready.

Despite my beliefs that i would never find love again, i did – twice in fact.. The first love story happened with myself and it was the most important one. No relationship can compensate for the lack of this one. The second love story happened when i was really ready. This time with a wonderful person who gave me the love, respect, maturity and sensitivity i have wanted from a potential partner. I dont know how it will work out with him but i do know that i have a life that has way more to offer than just a partner who’s like a best friend and soulmate. I am not alone, whether he is there or not.

And i will add this again: Never let anyone ill-treat you like that in the name of love. Absolutely unacceptable. Dont sign up for a life time of unhappiness.

– Jess

Hi Yellow,

First of all, it is important to realize that you are in an abusive relationship and your safety and mental health is first priority. Here is some information on domestic violence http://www.thehotline.org/ and here is the domestic violence hotline if you ever feel like you need it: 1-800-799-7233. They might be able to give you more experienced information. You could also always look for a non-profit domestic violence clinic in your county to help you sort out your decision.

Second of all, I am a counselor in an abuser intervention program and work with men who are abusive towards their partners. This is a behavior that is often ingrained and stems from many things that are hard to change by yourself. He could be acting like this for several reasons: poor coping skills, learned behavior from early age, problems with tolerating emotions, poor communication skills, etc. So the point of this is to help you realize that what you are going through is NOT YOUR FAULT, it has nothing to do with you, and he needs professional help.

Third, often people in abusive relationships experience what is called the “cycle of violence.” Basically it’s when things are fine, he abuses you, feels regretful and tries hard for you to forgive him, you experience a honey moon phase, and then the violence repeats itself. Here is some more information on the cycle of violence: http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

No one can make this decision for you and even if we all tell you to leave, you have your own reasons why you want to remain in this relationship. It may be that you feel a strong attachment to him, are still in love with him, are still committed, are afraid to leave because you’ve formed an identity surrounding your relationship, or may even for resources. You have your reasons and it may be important to figure those things out.

You can try doing a simple values sorting task (http://www.uihi.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/FINAL-Value-Card-Set-082313-CMS.pdf) to figure out what you value in life and see if he matches those values. Are you living your life according to your values? Does this person fit the values you want for yourself? How can you live your life so that it better matches the things you value?

But I highly recommend that you contact your local domestic violence clinic. They will be able to help you with this better than an online forum.